Saturday, December 22, 2007
What we read affects us......so if you want to change soemthing about yourself , one good way is to read something similar to the habit that you want to inculcate...........
Usually after the initial few days ,we get bored and start waiting to catch on friends, go back to college......even study!
But sometimes you get so drained out that you just don't want remember any other world except your shell...where you chill completely...be it by partying meeting up friends or being with your family. Or just relaxing ,sleeping, indulging in food, reading ,music,light movies...with hot cups of tea/coffee to tide over the winter....
And some chats with close ones:)
Friday, December 14, 2007
But once this security settles in you realise you still need to know where to go or else you will just wonder aimlessly......
I feel directionless, goalless, thoughtless
As in an automata which is stateless
You say that’s impossible,
But it’s true
See it if you want to
I talk but don’t converse
I walk but don’t traverse.
I am happy but empty, hollow,
No dream to follow.
I am content but not satisfied
Wish someone could get all this clarified
There is no question
So no answer
And so no solution
Bad times don’t break me
But then good times don’t thrill me
Life is a plane
Wish to seesaw even if not rollercoaster again
Oh fear me
Oh so near me
Oh rightly steer me
Don’t jeer me
Oh do please hear me
Just bear me.
Friday, November 30, 2007
I guess what tells me that I must continue and keep trying is this which I read before entering this institute:
"Education is irreversible. Once you have tasted the pleasure and hardwork
of learning , the joy of knowledge , you cannot thereafter imagine yourself
Friday, November 23, 2007
Usually the quickest way to attain any desire is to pay the full price. Do the work.
Thus dreams have a price.
If you don't pay it then you are punished.
To bear that required courage.
But nothing is the end of the world.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My faith in the above statement has been restored.
This was never meant to be a personal blog but sometimes there is no other way of explaining things except by sharing experiences.
Today I am glad to be part of PG,part of IIT.You might wonder who wont be?Well ask anyone who is there...most will complain. After a while the pressure gets to everyone.
I guess I have seen a lot in this first semester. First it was the emotional challenge of being away from closest friends....changes in life you move to different parts of respective lives is not easy.
Done.It became fine after a while.
Enjoyed my 1st TA experience a lot...enjoyed giving 1st minors,enjoyed all new methods of studying,enjoyed attending 1st seminar from here,winning in freshers,1st dinner at freshers enjoyed esp the way profs talked about us learning,getting tranformed here...felt as becoming a swan from an ugly duckling.
All this time heard complains all around but I persisted with faith...loved being here...loved the environment...
Then somewhere in between I realised things weren't stricking very well always...somewhere in between I lost my rule of "to each his own" and moved onto "share and care"...couldn't help it.
Suddnely I realised attending seminars was a luxury which we couldn't afford with assignments pilling up.....I must say I have always been secretly glad of being "herded" into the seminar hall by one prof who truly believes in knowledge for the sake of it... even in it was an hour or so before my demo!
Then came my nightmare...fibonacci heaps...seemingly a simplistic program...which never turned out that way for anyone...with it came alive my worst nightmares...
I literally lost sleep!
Then came resubmissioon...still not tooo great...
Then came...minor results....
Suddenly forgot why I was here...had it happened by mistake?Could I even think of doing a Phd?Why did I want to?Would get any kind of job at al?Would I fail?Would they kick me out?
Such thought haunted me day and night...
Then came tears and more tears....
Thne came helplessness...
Thne came part2 of that submission..the project..then came loss of confidence...a broken down spirit...3weeks no progress as too much fear.....
What helped was friends...in between even enjoyed staying up till late (night) there ....
being with frineds...having good weekends...the fest...(that was really cool)...wathcing movie in lab!
But the nightmare continued...increasing day by day...became snappy,irritable and "hyper" in short
seeing ppl breakdown after their "demo" when they seem so much brighter is anyday disheartening....
I became terrified.......shaking and wondering what would happen...all I knew was that I couldn't compromise on my values..I would be straight with the prof and own up just how little I had managed to do...
Kept remembering all the worst vivas I had given in my entire life...few in which ppl took pleasure in hurting selfpride of innocent minds.It had hurt then but that time I had a whole class almost backing me ,believing in me.
And now I didnt even seem to have myself on my side.
Then the viva started....with general introduction...calmly enough...suddenly I found myself pouring out my fears,even saying" I like the system but don't know if the system will like me"...and felt being calmed by the teacher...being given hope...being told that marks don' t matter...that they just mean that you can learn that much more. The fact that I am here means I am good, I can only getter better...
if I am learning...if I am improving my process of thinking,if I feel that I getting all out of this system then that's all that matters.Suddenly I had hope...I could see my dreams again...I could feel my interest back,my passion back...
Then the actual viva....on confessing that I couldn't do the entire exercise,I found myself involved in a discussion about debugging techniques.And becoming so interested that forgot it was a viva...actually even being able to put forth my points without worrying whether they were right or not...
I went in tears and came back in smiles...after an hour!
Suddnely I am glad I am here..suddenly I know I will make it here and do well also...
And won't try to escape assignments but do them so as to learn and not fear them...
I may have lost marks allocated for particular points in today's viva but I gained back my hope, my confidence,my "selfsufficiency".
The journey continues.....
Monday, November 19, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Does it really exist in truest sense of world of optimism?
Suddenly one day he is pushed into the water(goes in by mistake thinking it to be shallow) without the board.Now if that is a sea where he can see no shore anywhere near then he may simply freeze out of fear and drown.But if he can see a shore,not very far away, or if he can see a lifeguard coming to his rescue and knows he just has to hold on a while,he will just kick out....and voila!!!(because when he has hope and he knows has to do something for survival ,he will his lack of confidence,and actually he can because he has done so for many months and knows what to do)He will be swimming.
And once he realises that he can swim, he will love it and be happy and never use the board again.
Well this seems to me very much like the transformation from being spoonfed as UGs and in deep water in PGs.Except that I dived myself thinking water to be shallow.
All there is to remember is that the last part of the story is also true.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
And its not as if we aren't interested...people go for degree after degree if its like a dream....at least some do...then why its charm fades when we are there?
Why toughness of course alone is enough to shake us up to dreadfully???
Whatever happened to joy of learning for the sake of it?Does that never come and stay in its truest form?
"Relaxation is :letting go , trust, surrender, love, acceptance ,union with existence, egolessness and ecstasy"
(Read it in the paper.)
Well personal desires also get included in relaxation.For me spending time with loved ones, doing something truly productive...even writing ...even blogging would be included...as long as it is not enforced.
"Living totally in the moment and going with the flow are great virtues"
Well then whatever happened going to less travelled paths???I always believed that more.
A prediction:Taking one step at a time will let you achieve you goals sooner than expected.....
Saturday, November 10, 2007
This is the tag.....from her.
"At this moment, I am so very stressed, exhausted, hurt and depressed; and this tag may actually help me realise all the good things that I have, and this may help me come back to normal. So here it goes.==================================This is one tag I think is really interesting to do. Maybe because it tells you how greedy you really are, inspite of howmuchever of a saint you think you are! It's called "Thoda aur chalega". The rules are simple. You got to write five things that you do have and are quite fond of/proud of because they really are good/feel-good (at least in your own perspective). These things can be anything...qualities, people, pets, clothes, goodies etc. Then you have to add one adjective to each, indicating what else you'd wish (dream, fantasise etc.) these things to also have. Like the extra free chocolate topping on a five scoop hot chocolate fudge with nuts, chocolate sauce, raisins etc. An example could be: My super cool super fast car....I wish I had a red-coloured super cool super fast car."
THODA AUR CHALEGA.......
1) My parents and close ones....their love ,support and constant advice and a so complete belief in me and ability to hear me crib at anytime carries me through it all....
Thoda aur...I wish I didnt snap at them...I wish I had more to offer from my side in terms of happiness.....and I wish my 2 worlds would unite.......
2)My dream of "studying" here came true....it was a long cherished dream ,one for which I had truly strived.....
Thoda aur.....I wish I could actually enjoy studies now that here.I wish the constant pressure would ease such that I could work hard and actually understand what's happening....I wish so much I had work satisfaction sometimes at least. I am in depair for it.
3)Glad to be settled here at institute with frnds here also.......and to be in touch with few wonderful collegetime frnds.....
Thoda aur....I wish I didnt have to feel constantly like the dunce in group.I know I am not overall but still it's been happening too often recently....
4)For novels and diaries......my lifelong companions...to be give peace and hope always......
and also need to add....good food!!!..chocos,maggi,soups,tea,list goes on.....
Thoda aur......I wish I wasnt so obsessed with novels when underpressure.Same goes for food.If I had goodies a little less often I would appreciate them even more and everything wouldn't become routine.
I wish I would write my diary more often ,openly again....need weeks since I did that I think...too lazy!!
I wish I would write poetry ,blogs,stories again,........
miss that part of my life which has been more or less dormant since "she's" been away...one of my very closest frnds...who used constantly inspire me to write by writing herself and telling me she liked me my pieces also...who used to pester me night and day to write a new blog....
along with her msgs at midnight to see and comment on her posts "or else...."
...and of course the heartfelt discussions that gave food for thought...
I miss you taps...
5)My ability to spend time by myself,to enjoy nature,to contemplate ,to draw a line when I need to relax.....to enjoy the little joys dat life offers with true childlike excitement...
Thoda aur....I wish I would work with true vigour and not laze so much when frustrated....
This was supposed to be a happy blog and its turned out to be a "venting machine".
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sometimes I think.....
OHH its all sooooooo funny,
like a facepack of banana and honey
its not about the money,
its about being crazy like bugsbunny,
Work is not about work, its about sticking,
OHH like a chewing gum,
Only you can be dumb,
but must satiate your tum ,
even if have rum,
no need to be glum,
Coz, hectic means fretting
free means boring
challenge means betting
book means poring
Then what is rain?
Its riding in an empty lane.
Lain means tired
but tired means fired
fired means going to mommy
where all is sunny
OHH its all so funny!!!!!
Friday, August 31, 2007
- The best time to write blogs:one day before exams.....!!!
- The best time to think of life and everything else onder the sky:same as above
- The best time to write poems:same as above but also when in agitated state of mind. So most poets must be the most frustrated ppl on earth!!!
- The best way to remove agitations:.....tell me!
One would be to think simple thoughts,escape for a while into pleasures,like some song,dance out ,simple discussions, to live in the moment and not worry about how changes would affect the future.As changes are to be experienced in that moment ..not in future.Some things as simple as watching birds can be refreshing.
But what's most important to have hope and maybe a smile.Well that leads to reasons to smile....so you its cycle....but wont call it vicious...
Oh what blunder!
Oh why wonder!
Fighting fighting, fighting in life,
Oh what strife!
Slicing through me like a knife!
Crying crying,crying to me,
Rescue me away from me.
Fear engulfs me here,
Getting hard to bear,
Reach out to me,
As can't see thee.
Memories are ghosts I hold onto,
Scared of darkness to plunge into,
Resisting lonliness calling,
Afraid of falling
Falling falling ,falling to eternity,
Nothing's a certainity
Situations not such a severity but shocked by my temerity
Lost,seeking that same security,
(To be continued.....)
Monday, August 20, 2007
All this is described so well in a friends blog....here are some lines in continuation to it...........
Ek safar ek dastaan ki talaash hai"(her line),
Bahut kuch paaya ab kisi naye khwab ki talaash hai,
manzil to mil gayi par fir kisi raah ki talaash hai,
Humsafar se zindagi khili hai par thamein haath saath chalen jo un yaaron ki bhi talaash hai,
Zindagi tham si gayi hai,kuch naye khayalat ki talaash hai
Muskaan to hai par fir kisi naye jasbaat ki talaash hai
Aansu to hain par ghum ki talaash hai
Haasil to bahut kiya par ab aur maangne ki "chaah" ki talaash hai
Soch ke shabdon ki talaash hai
kisi geet ki in labzon ko talaash hai
Sunday, August 05, 2007
and at times changes can scare a lot also......
they can make us grumpy as we are used to being in our comfort zones.....
but once there is no growth in them,changes are necessary....
there is a need to explore and widen our horizons .....
And if we are too lazy or too fearful to do so...God pushes us towards them.......
Just like with baby birds...when they first fly......
The best tihng is to accept them...open our eyes and look at the beautiful world around us...enjoy our being.....make the most of those changes and really live...
Sometimes even when dreams come true,we get more afraid than excited....afraid of how it be now....but we must remember that we have been rewarded for something we truly believed in so it can only be good:)
Monday, July 02, 2007
A mild form of severity can also feel equally harsh to someone not used to it.
It doesnt necessarily depend on the strength of the person....
But what IS strength?To endure unfavourable circumstances well.But what does "well" mean? I mean one aspect caters to how the person manages his/her duties and maintains an equilibrium during sucha situation.But another aspect also exists...
What we make easier for ourselves by escaping the situation partly and escaping well....and also without any negligence.Is it good?Don't know 'coz sometimes it makes you feel like a machine ...sometimes it seems as if you arent allowing yourself to feel the full extent of grief even when you care simply because you tell yourself you need to manage well.Is that ok?It doesnt change anything except that despair comes in glimpses rather than continuously.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Stolen moments like a treasure
Moments of pure pleasure.
Yet they bring a fear
Now parting’s too hard to bear.
When near all worries cease
Into the magical moment we freeze
Yet moments borrowed
Moments soon escape
Stolen moments of pleasure
Will they ever be ours forever?
(based on same theme but yet to decide whether to take them as 2 separate poems to be completed or as a single one)
Hold onto to you I do,
Faithful I am,
Yet will destiny allow this dream to come true?
Positive I am,
Yet, can this moment be sealed eternally wonder I do,
Scared I am,
Distance is easy to bear,
Partings’ all I fear.
Though in different directions we may at times fly
Yet no need to cry
Fulfilling duties, staying united under the sky.
Give me magical wings to fly
To be near you, never to say bye.
So at each dusk in peace we lie
In relief we sigh.
But in music we leave a part of ourselves
Ultimately going back to those phases whenever we read or hear that piece.
Or get transformed by mood, thought or action in first go.
Such is the magic of creativity
At times to me it surpasses even beauty
Friday, June 01, 2007
Sometimes it helps so much when dear ones persist inspite of telling them that you want to be alone.
In life people don't really need help,or
encouragement, or support , they just need to be loved truly. They need to
be cherished and valued.That's why sometimes it helps so much to hear "all will be ok" when said and meant.
greatest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone wants you to be
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
If i am not for myself,who is for me?
If i am not for others,what am i?
If not now,then when?
The best to contribute in ths world is not to look for what the world needs but to do what makes you most alive, the world needs people who are most alive.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
i wish at times to remember...sometimes doubt your doubts...
But in the darkness of morbid human thoughts...everything becomes an exaggeration and seems hopeless.
And we seea ray of sunlight and realise all is well and only our eyes were closed out of fear....which mostly turns to be ok..at least in the end
Friday, April 13, 2007
Friday, April 06, 2007
The only way out seems to restrict it as close to our hearts as possible,as far from the outer world as possible.Narrow its path,hold it ,convert it to circle.Give it a well defined boundary.That will give shape and reality.Don't allow it to escape it wants to,because it won't...it will just spread further in that case.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
So true.And emotions cannot be thought,they can only be felt.They have no logic,only instinct.Think about it...joy,fear,love,peace,excitement.....how many times it happens that we feel all this but can't undestand why so.So many times we just have a good or bad feeling about something but can't explain it.So many times our heart beats in a way which we understand but only silently.Not houghts are required to truly feel or understad the language of heart.Its all so well defined in Paulo Coelho's Alchemist.But i won't quote.Those qoutes need to be imbibed in the flow of the book,not just read.Even 11minutes defines certain aspects of life so well.That's how it is with certain novels.Some aspects are there to be imbibed and the rest is only there to provide the background for what the author is trying convey,or rather our interpretation of what the author says.Like in these 2 novels,the story is like a background and the hidden lessons are the theme,at least for me.
But care also requires thought.It should be given to those who deserve it,need it and appreciate it.To show appreciation is not necessary.But it's a wastage of emotions,of energy, of time to care for people who don't value it simply 'cause they don't need it or acknowledge it. That's a mistake we may make but it doesn't make us bad,just makes u sad!Makes situations in life seem hopeless.Makes life a nightmare,from which we wish to wake up.
The other case is to truly care or love and be cherished even without expecting it.That's lucky and that's what makes life so beautiful.And makes those other sad moments worth it.Makes everything in life seem perfectly wonderful.Makes life seem so dreamlike ,that we feel afraid to be woken from it.
Just like this sentence!
For all this ,we need to be independent and responsible for our own selves...our feelings and our actions.To depend on others,not matter how important to us, for happiness for instance, hampers not only the relation but also our own emotional well being.Yes external factors do influence us,and yes, people close to us do affect our emotions.But to be affected and to depend on are differemt issues.Its ok to be sad due to external factors ...it just goes to show we care.But there's a problem if we "only" find happiness externally.If, in spite of all that's happening in our lives externally,we can take time out to find solace within ,or to find joy in some simple activity when totally on our own,we are in control.True happiness comes from within....at least the form that is permanent.
External situations may make us feel great and that's good.We should be grateful to life when that happens,but at the same time not start waiting for those situations to be repeated to feel happy. In other words,don't expect much from the world but be happy when it gives a lot...still knowing that you will at least survive if you are deprived.Knowing that you have that much courage.
Friday, March 02, 2007
"Life is a burden to be borne as long as one must,but cast away at the earliest oppurtunity"
What's sad is that at times of misery,it's so easy to believe this and get a kind of comfort in it for all its negativity.
Why am i writing it if its so sad?Because at times we all feel low and sadness has a way or exaggerating itself.This quote should read when you happy...to make you realise when you are sad that its an exaggeration to feel it too deeply.Ultimately life is how we take it....a burden to be cast away or a gift that has been lent to us....depending on our mood.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
But sometimes dreams do come true......and then its important to live them fully.We need to accept the fact that if God bestows them to us then we deserve them.And they won't be snatched away unless they have served their purpose and are replaced by better ones.What is essential is that when we are given happiness,we should be grateful for it and value it instead of worrying that it will disappear sooner or later.At times we need to stop worrying and take time to realise how beautiful life really is.
That's how i define it.But i am told its a fuzzy thing."It can't be exact ...it can't be discrete...either 1 or 0.It's usually in between" i am told.But well that's just not the way things work according to me.
If we trust someone then we don't try to protect ourselves from them.And if we have to do that then we don't truly trust them.
“And yet not a dream, but a mighty reality-a glimpse of the higher life, the broader possibilities of humanity, which is granted to the man who, amid the rush and roar of living, pauses four short years to learn what living means”
This seems to sum up all that college represents to me. It’s a transition phase, a phase when we haven’t fully crossed childhood and still on the verge of embarking the world of adults. A transition made so much easier and pleasant by MSIT amid the comfort of its warm red-brick structure. I remember how many of my friends used to complain about the building seeming half-built but I always loved the way it looked, red brick building in the canopy of beautiful greenery.
!st year brought about with it, a series of changes, making me realize that life would never be the same again .It also gave a sense of independence-from choosing what to wear each day, to boarding buses, to going to the Freshers’ party- I knew college was DIFFERENT from school. Slowly the changes started to settle in. The laughter, the yawns, the moans and groans with same people everyday brought friends together- friends worth keeping for a lifetime. Together we had canteen discussions, bus discussions, together we bunked, together we slogged, together we went to District Centre- a favourite haunt of all MSITians and together we went participating in fests and of course not to forget-the Ed board meetings.
Finally when placements started, I saw how vividly college had bonded people from different grounds together. The joys and sorrows in placement processes can never be forgotten. These 4 years have helped so much in the overall growth.
Ultimately credit goes to MSIT for giving all a solid ground to stand on after college. Many careers have been made here but more importantly, it’s equipped us to go into the adult world that now beckons us.
During this last year most people have been busy in various entrance exams and college has not seemed the same with half classes empty. But it does make me realize the value of these beautiful memories created over the span of 4 years .Ultimately we take the best of each phase forward for me that includes all the lessons learned here –about life and of course my friends-some there since the start and some of us got to know each other so late that I wonder why we waited so long. But each is a treasure worth keeping. Thanx MSIT for such glorious memories and for making this journey so beautiful and experiences so enriching.
Monday, January 01, 2007
A new year....new hopes..new dreams and lots new goals...isn't that what it holds for all of us?
But somehow i believe life is not really divided that way.....a new year,though an ideal time,is not the only time to make fresh beginnings.We need to make them as and when required...and in fact when we don't then we are forced to...
Life is divided into various phases...each bringing about new people,interests and dreams in our lives.Somehow once a phase gets over,those doors close forever and we are never really able to go back..even if we want to.But we carry the best of each phase ahead with us in this journey called life...the rest the are left behind but remain in our hearts as treasured moments...'coz each phase has something new to teach us and has some beautiful memories to leave behind...
Sometimes that makes it tough to accept reality...we wonder if we will lose what we have today but we need to realise that ultimately everything becomes ok.God doesn't ever put us in a situation from which we can't get out.So we need to have faith and enjoy each phase...after all the best continues.....and the rest well...it come again in a different form in the new phase....
Stop your inner strife
Don’t battle with your life
What will be,will be
You can’t find every lock’s key
So sometimes just giggle with glee
You are capable,you are good…believe it.
You deserve a beautiful life…accept it
You deserve love…value it…
There is joy in this world….feel it.
Life is scary when dreams come true..
Life is scary when something is new...
Life is scary when you get more than your due...
Life is scary when happiness fills it and moments of sadness are few...
A fear uncomprehendable ...
Of losing all that seems dependable...
But in this fear there is bliss so deep and rare ...
As if even happiness is more than easy to bear...
We get so used to crying ...
Done even realize when our problems die...
Fail to see beauty of life..oh !so undying ...
But all our hopeless notions does life defy...
And emerges victorious making hearts fly ...
So soar along and let fear pass u by…