Dislongingness

Sometimes festivals and celebrations become too peopled. They are fun but can lead to a loss of equilibrium. Or maybe years of seclusion make it so. PhD changes a person such that you keep longing for it to be over but once it is, it also leads to withdrawl symptoms. You tend to miss the the quietness of lab. That one place that you can anytime go back to. That one work that is all yours for what seems like forever.  And though, it torments you in different ways throughout the years, when all goes wrong in the world, it is like a refuge where you can rush to. Of course being surrounded by natural beauty makes it even more inviting and more solitude inducing. 

This is about that state of 'dislongingness' (using the poetic license as no other word describes the feeling as well) that one experiences after years of solitude and aloneness. It comes out at odd times like an unruly toddler and you know not what to do about it.

Dislongingness

Where do you go when you want to run away?
When there is no longer any single refuge
When the heart feels a dislongingness
A disenchentment from the world in general
And longs for not quiet time but solitude
Away from peopled loneliness towards aloneness

Is there a way I wonder
To achieve equilibrium
A perpetual calmness

We all have our good and our bad moments
Our loud and our quiet moments
Our alone and our peopled moments
Our pensive and reflective moments

We smile through the good
Wince and move on through the bad
But then come the moments of loud silence
Moments of peopled loneliness
Which disturb our inner peace
The inner child wants to run away
But with you remains trapped within masks of social obligations and pleasantaries
The inner child seeks familiarity
But finds familiar strangers
Smiling outworldly, ignoring blindly the silent pleas

This time lets give that inner child a chance to be free
Lets run away with it and all inhibitions forgo
Lets follow it and see where it leads
We may find a once lost refuge from long ago

The Tragically Tiny Tales@Diwali

This is the second part of #TTT. These are some Tragically Tiny Tales of Diwali. The TTT was expecting some sweet tales of Diwali but what came out from here was a different perspective of the festival of lights....the light within a person....when it lights up and when it dies out. So here they are!

#TTT1: This Diwali also they couldn't travel. As they lit crackers and celebrated, far away the light from her eyes faded and her wait ended.

#TTT2: This Diwali she had no crackers. No sweets. Just two twinkling eyes which erased the pain of that Diwali that had wiped her world.

#TTT3: This Diwali she got a unique gift. Her eyes saw light for the first time as his once kind act paid out once the light died out from his.

Hats off to all #metoos

A wave of #metoos are there on social media. All women were in some way or the other sexually harassed or assaulted put the status as metoo signifying that "yes, it happened to me too" so that the world can wake up and see how many women get downtrodden everyday.

Such exemplary courage these women have to change their status to #metoo. Because this metoo doesn't signify  rape but any form of sexual assault or harrasement. This includes the supposedly minor things that get hidden under like lewd remarks, horrible stares, the bad touches and the physical discomfort in crowded transports which almost every woman faces. Most of them ignore these as minor ailments thinking that it's not big. Big being rape. But noone has the right to assault anyone at any level. Or make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. So back to these women. When they post #metoo, they open up and the world doesn't know how badly their dignity was battered, just that it was. Each will assume the worst and that itself is enough to pull one down a little. A person may only have been the victim to a bad touch in the bus but the world may think they were raped. And the world may forever treat them differently. And that is why I say they have courage.

Not everyone has that courage and that's ok too. "The victims don't owe anyone their story" as someone very rightly shared. 

Lots of men are sharing their status as #wetoo , #iapologise to signify that it hurts that so many people close to them have been suffering because of uncultured people of their gender. Well why am I writing this? What is my story? For now,  I am just an observer who wants to appreciate this movement. Does that make me a coward? Who says a woman can't be just an observer?

My third home

My third home
Where the heart smiles
Where we walked miles
Where flowers bloom 
And natures serenity was a constant companion even in my gloom

Where there is a spring in step to reach
Ten years with this place
Never has arriving here been without joy and a smile on my face
 
And now as new joyous homes abound
Its good to still have an old surround

P. S.: (My third home@IITD)

The Tragically Tiny Tales

I was recently recommended Terribly Tiny Tales which seems like an entirely new genre. An interesting one at that since one has to write very short stories. In some cases just as big as 160 characters. Well, I coudn't resist trying my hand at some of those, though it seems that most become "Tragically Tiny Tales", tragedies and twists being easier to portray in this format. Writing in this format seems like walking on a tightrope: it's very easy to slip and fall on the floor of ridiculousness or worse, ordinariness rather than walk along the line of genuineness. Thus would love to know which of these do manage to toe the line!

TTT1: All the people she longed to have tea and long conversations with, had time now and were having tea and long conversations, at her funeral.

TTT2: "Your place or mine", she asked. "Ours", he replied slipping the ring into her wrinkled finger.

TTT3: "She survived cancer!", he rejoiced, speeding up as he sailed overboard and couldn't survive the car crash.

TTT4: Theirs was a story of words. Yet they never talked.

TTT5: In her childhood, she longed to settle and they used to wander. In her youth, they did settle, while she got used to wandering.

TTT6: Ten years ago, we talked for the first time, enthralled in each others words till 4am. Ten years, a marriage and a kid later, we still do sometimes!

P.S: I had started this post much earlier with the title. In retrospect it seems less tragic at least in the literal sense of the word!

Long weekend: Part 3 ( What mask will you don today?)

As the long weekend draws to a close, there is that slight natural resistance to move from a relaxed carefree state to the daily rush. The weekend which seemed too long was good after-all. But it's a good life where Monday (or in this case Tuesday) and Friday both bring some amount of joy.

However, it is not so for all or maybe not for any all throughout the life. When the joy dies out of either workplace or home, people experience blues. Monday blues for some. While others have weekend blues. Some have social blues. Ever wonder why it is so? Because we all wear so many masks. We wear masks as defence against the world. Some of us might wear as many ten masks when in an unfamiliar environment.  As the environment and people become familiar, sometimes these masks may fall with time.  Sometimes they may even increase. It all depends on what we expect from the people around us. Every one of us has that fear of a jab at our self respect. Be it in an unfamiliar environment by  strangers or by acquaintances in terms of ridicule. Or harsh words by people which have the power by position, relation or closeness. At times it could in the form of doubt by people close to us. It could be in the form pity by people who witness that slight or vast downfall of our pride.  So we wear masks.

Masks which may say 

"I am not afraid"

"I am not alone"

"I didn't just mess up"

"I don't fear/mind getting yelled at"

"I am not ill or worried about my health"

"I am not tired"

Or even positive situation masks which may say...

"I am won't show I am too happy"

"I won't show my delight at that praise or compliment "

"I won't show that I feel lucky in my current situation"

And so on....

Some are professional masks and some are personal masks. At times a team may see certain professional masks getting created for outsiders and falling away within. Acquaintances become friends as they see masks falling away one by one. Sometimes people see through your masks and they fall apart. Sometimes you yourself let them fall away as your fear dies out for a particular person or group of people. However, at some basic level these masks stay. Some as temporary based on situations and some permanent ones. Some we acknowledge and some which don't admit even to ourselves.

When do they start getting created we wonder. Well I would say as the innocence of childhood and trust of childhood decreases. As children start getting judged and being put to task, their trust crashes. They start having that first fear of getting hurt. Maybe when a small child literally hides to eat that chocolate. Or that teenage who keeps that big secret for the first time. Maybe once they would have told but now they don't expect the understanding from the person in front of them. It could be parents, teachers or peers. Slowly we realise physically hiding is not possible. Maybe it happens after the first public scolding. You wear your first public mask then..."It doesn't hurt, I am not embarrassed" mask. Next time it maybe a peer who breaks your trust and you wear the "You are not close enough to hurt me, I don't care" mask. With time, they masks keep getting added to our faces and we start wearing them as a prevention. Sometimes it's a common "I am feeling great" mask to hide all stresses.

There are some places still where all these masks fall. All of us generally have one or maybe a few people who have seen all our masks fall.  It may be the partner, the best friend or parent. They are those who see  all masks falling apart, who see the worst in us. Maybe snot-crying, maybe the temper, maybe the lost state or maybe some other. But they witness that, gather the pieces and judge us none-the-worse.  They become our lifetimes. Our homes. Homes are where the heart is at peace.  A place away from all masks.  Until next time when we move out of that comfort zone. So, ever wonder, how many masks are you wearing?

Long weekend: Part 2 (The Half-dead Tree)

A few days ago I came across an interesting sight. While walking across a now familiar lane (isn't it strange, the transition between an unfamiliar lane becoming familiar .....more than time I think it's comfort that makes some place familiar, but I digress...), I came across a half-dead tree. Half of its leaves were bright green while the rest were wrinkled and dead.  Right next to it was a younger plant in its flowering stage. To me it was as if a standing poetry was greeting me but I couldn't find words for it. It seemed to evoke so many strong symbolism as if endless. As if there was a lesson which Mother Nature was trying to teach naive old me but I couldn't grasp it.

I still don't know what it was exactly but here are some interpretations which it seemed to evoke.

Stages of life: Shakespeare might have given Seven Stages but this scene showed the four very basic stages of life: childhood, youth, middle age and old-age. It showed so vividly how each stage affects us and how close each stage is to the next. How each needs the next to co-exist.

Familiar environment, different outcomes: People of same roots, same  environments can sometimes turn out so differently like branches of this tree. Why so? Maybe even  with the same roots, their environment varies or maybe it's just individuality. People take different paths as they grow and with their decisions, some prosper and some wrinkle out.

The half-dead parts within each of us: I think this impacted me the most as I gazed at that tree.  Some words came the next day, jumbled  and hurried as they were, they demand to be written as they were....(sometimes I feel words control writers more than vice versa!)

The half dead tree

The half dead tree
A tree which is half dead and half alive
What does it need to thrive?
Water, care and a little sunlight...
Why then did the Sun shine on only half of its hide?

Reminds me of our halflight
The hidden, frozen, sometimes swished, half dead parts within us
The parts which are by the world trodden
And then by us forever buried and hidden
Together they weigh like lead
Bringing us with them down
Like dry leaves, some may fall with time
while others remain..
Tarnishing us, our outward perfect bright lives

The half dead tree
Causes the heart pain mingled with longing, regret and doubt
Really what is life all about?
Why the deadness in live things
When life itself is so short
And with moments of danger so fraught?

The dead leaves here are a painful sight
A longing to make it all right
A reminder to follow the path of light
Why do we gave way to might over what is right?

Why is it that the display is always bright
While the backend murky and dark
why make life seem to be just a lark
when in depth we find our spark

Bring it out in the open the half-dead parts say
Don't wait for the leaves to die
Let the sun shine today
Before it's too late
Don't wait for that one fine moment, that right date
Life won't keep giving chances
We can't not do our deed
And then 'tis all  fate!

Save the half dead tree
Save the half dead you and me

Long weekend : Part 1 (Follow your bliss)

A long weekend generally means lots of activities and hustle bustle and before you know it you are at the end of Sunday night and back to the daily rush. It's good, it's fun but sometimes quiet weekends are also nice. When nothing big happens but you just relax and peel away life pleasures at your leisure. Sometimes we are wise enough to keep time for them while sometimes these are enforced upon us. God gives us various signs to slow down. Sometimes it's as simple as a common cold which puts you in bed and prevents you from making elaborate plans. Irritating though it might be, sometimes sickdays are just what we need to slow our pace and have a little quiet time. Well having one such quiet weekend at hand, I plan to complete a series of half-filled or even half-thought posts. Lets see.

Part 1
Follow your bliss...

This is the first such one. It started as a simple thought and a response to it. Sometimes it triggers a more elaborate thought process where you realise upon reflection there is much more you want to say or express.  For yourself. To free your thoughts. Some thoughts, though very simple, just want to be written. Well here's where all such all such half thoughts end up....as posts to be kept forever.

Follow your bliss whereever it leads you, it seems simple enough. Or do we follow life's practicalities? The practicalities would say there's "our daily bread" to earn,  there are responsibilities. Yet who says that we can't do both?

It's possible to follow bliss at some level everyday. It could be for a few minutes which leads to a lifetime practise. It means saying yes to your heart, to your instinct. It starts with simple stuff that makes one happy like chasing butterflies and watching clouds. Smiling at people without a worry. Not analysing or hesitating before you say something good to anyone. Goodness does no harm. Writing blogs, reading that childhood book again. Feeding your soul with at least one worthy conversation everyday. Maybe even eating that dessert. Buying something ridiculous which catches your fancy. Or bigger stuff like going for that much awaited trip. Taking up the job that makes you happy. Giving more time to that much  awaited, half-forgotten hobby. Learning something new regularly.  Sometimes taking an off day just to pause, reflect and recharge. Slowing down at times in between the daily rush. Removing negative people from your lives. Surrounding yourself by positive ones.
Following your instinct. Following your bliss. Following all that makes your heart smile.

One done, lets see how many others get coverted to posts!