Papaji's homeopathy gyan

My grandfather had studied homoepathy. We followed his medicines. Then my dad carried on rhe legacy. For 90% of ailments, he had those drops which he would put in a swig of water and make me take. And I would be ok again. He was my family doctor. Recently he would often repeat the most commonly used medicines and ask me note them. I didn't. And now I do in my attempt to continue the legacy.  These are just some basic medicines in case of minor ailments but very effective

1. R1: sore throat, swelling of throat or other swellings. 10-12 drops every 15minutes.

2.R6: flu like symptoms. 10-12 drops every 15minutes. Can be alternated with R1.

3. Kali Phosphoricum: Anxiety and stress. 4 tablets thrice a day

4. Influenzinum: prevention of flu. 2 drops directly on the tongue every day for 5 days and then every week. Or 10 drops in water.

5. Hephur sulph: cold like symptoms

6. Aconite: sudden flu like symptoms , also anxiety

7. Selenium: for gaining strength. 7-8 or less drops thrice a day or less.

8. Alleraid: sinus. 1 tablet thrice a day

9.Carbo vegetalis: oxygen. 2-3 drops thrice a day, also gatric discomfort.

10. Verat alb: low BP, vommitting

11. Arsenic alb: burning in stomach

12. R55: Injuries, broken bones. Only thrice a day. 10 drops? 

13. Pulsatilla Nigricans: loss of smell. 10 drops in water thrice a day

14. Kali bichrome: Stomach fullness, gas, sinus, ear ache. 4 drops in water thrice a day.

Where she went: quotes

"Where she went" is a sequel of "If I stay". It has some really good words and defines closure and moving along with grief so well. Not moving on but living on. If the first book was about an internal struggle stay, this is a roadmap on how she stays. The good, bad and the ugly which is what makes it realistic.

"Needle and thread, flesh and bone

Spit and sinew, heartbreak is home,

Your suture lined sparkle like diamonds,

Bright stars to light my confinement,"

For the first few weeks, I'd wake up in a fog of disbelief. That didn't really happen, did it? Then I'd doubled over. Fist to gut.  It took a few to sink in. 

Accepting other people's generosity was itself was an act of generosity that might help people in the community feel better.

Good intentions can wind up putting us in boxes as confining as coffins.

That's the thing you never expect about grieving, what a competition it is. 

I loved those pictures. They always cut off half a head or were obscured by someone's finger, but they seemed to capture something true.

I think I'm kind of getting the concept of closure. It's no big dramatic before-after. It's more like that melancholy feeling you get at the end of a really good vacation. Something apecial is ending and you're sad but you can't be that sad because hey, it was good while it lasted and there'll be other vacations, other good times.

Concert doesn't mean standing up like a target in front  of thousands of strangers. It means coming together. It means harmony.

"The clothes are packed off to Goodwill
I said my good-byes up on the hill
The house is empty, the furniture sold
Soon your smell will decay to mold
Don't know why I bother calling, ain't nobody answering
Don't know why I bother singing, ain't nobody listening"
"Disconnect"
Collateral Damage, Track 10

Someone wake me when it’s over
When the evening silence softens golden
Just lay me on a bed of clover
Oh, I need help with this burden

First you inspect me
Then you dissect me
Then you reject me
I wait for the day
That you’ll resurrect me

If I stay by Gayle Forman

A very different but interesting read. It about how someone copes when they lose it all...all that they could call their life with interesting out-of-body experience details thrown in. It brings out hope and the intrinsic fighting strength of humans.

The following are some interesting quotes from this book. They are keepers!

"How do you get over jitters? 

You don't. You just work through it. You just hang in there."

"The people who would normally pass along pertinent information that something has happened to me are in no position to do that."

"People believe what they want to believe"

"This is the first time someone has acknowledged what I have lost...the permission he just offered me -it feels like a gift."

"Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimed choices make you."

"Seventeen is an inconvenient time to be in love. All relationships are tough. Just like with music, sometimed you have harmony and other times you have cacophony."

"Losing me will hurt. It will be the kind of pain that won't feel real at first and when it does it will take her breath away. But she'll deal. She'll move on. And I bet she'll be a stronger person because of what she's lost today. I have a feeling that once you live through something like this, you become a little bit invincible."

"Maybe if I'd had more devastation in my life, I would be more prepared to ho on."

"It makes me happy to imagine them drinking tea or going to the movies together, still connected to each other by thr invisible chain of a family that no longer exists."

"But I'm also feeling all that I have in my life, which includes what I have lost, as well as the great unknown of what life might still bring me."

 

" transcendent grieving  doesn't last. Gloom descends, the awfulness of your loss hits you again and again. Real life gets on with itself. And eventually your loss normalizes, it integrates into part of your everyday life, and you find yourself 3 or 5 years later doing OK, changed but ... but still able to hear your friends' voices, still telling stories about them, still thinking of them every day. "

" In a way, they have never left me

 And that's just it, isn't it? That's how we manage to survuve loss. Because love never dies; it never goes away; it never fades. As long as you hang onto it"

Before Green Gables

This is a book which depicts Anne Shirley's life before she was at Green Gables. It flows seamlessly to the next book. Even with the change in authors, it seems a very realistic versionof Anne's past. It depicts Anne's passion, romanticism and her hardships. 

It adequately describes the characters mentioned in Anne's early life including her imaginary friends. It also narrates a brief about Anne's parents' life and death. It displays physical and other resemblences with her parents. Like her perfect nose and hatred for geometry. It also goes on to show Anne's struggle to bring up kids while still being a kid. 

It also portrays very beautifully, the origination of Anne's love for long fangled words and how she starts to read which is very endearing. It makes one understand her love for education. Though it does contradict with the way Anne goes into a self imposed school exile over a little provocation in the next book. This Anne is longing to go to school desparately. But overall it's a book which made me want to yet again revisit my favourite series from this refreshed perspective.

" I want to stay exactly where I am, looking at my beloved muddy river ambling along, and waiting for the return of Walter. I want things to stay exactly the same for ever."

"Your anger has to go somewhere. Some people get waful stomach ache and headaches"

"Anne was going to be able to stand up to whatever life threw at her. She would Prevail."

"I feel so bad about being so deep in the pit of despair just because I couldn't go to school. I didn't know that the only important thing in the whole world was that my Noah, your Noah - was alive and well. "

"Anne, thank you for showing me again that words are important. Also that teaching is fun. And that forgiving is possible."

"Go.If you stay here because of  Anne,  you'll be hating her in a few years"

"She longed to tell the history of her own. But how she could do that when there was no one to tell it to?"

Imagining things is not wicked. It's good. It's what makes  people write books and paint pictures and make music. It means pretending things. Go on doing that...It can often rescue you from the depths of sadness"

"But getting angry makes me almost more upset  than the thing that makes me angry."

"It wasn't perfect but Anne should surely have learned by now that life had a lot  of cracks on its surface. Everything would be fine."

"What do you suppose I was before that happened? Was I really nothing? What are you when you're not? That?'s even harder to figure out than what you are after you die"

"I learned to read today. That's why it was just the most important day of my life, except for the morning I was born. Today, I felt like I got born all over again"

"Listen carefully. It will get better. Probably not today. Maybe not tomorrow or next week. Or even next month...But it will get better"

"But you, you often get the right answer even when all the numbers seem to be all wrong"

I don't feel so good about standing up myself. I'd like someone to be helping me. Yes, I'll help you. But someyime I hope I get a chance to be young before I get too old to enjoy it'.

I just can't  understand why it's necessary for people to die. When they go, they leave such a chasm of emptiness behind  them. I thought I'd fallen into the pit of despair before, but nothing was ever quite like this" 

" She wanted to put them all in a large nox and keep them in some sort of memory place where she could take them out and look at them as often as she wanted. But right now, she wanted to put a lid on that box and keep in securely locked for a little while. She needed a look ahead rather than behind."

"She had lived long enough to know that floors didn't become like that (shiny) on their own."

"...captivated by the limitless expanse of sea,..., the smell of salt and seaweed. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life"

"Even a crying baby delighted her because she knew she didn't have to carry it, comfort it, or feed it."

" she felt as though she's absorbed enough happiness to keep her warm and safe and satisfied for the rest of her life."

The last cup of tea

What won't I do for another cup of tea, with you Daddy,

We know the first, we know the inbetweens but we don't know, we never know the last,

The last cup of our tea together,

It passes away, it rushed away with life and its strife,

How I long for another cup of your tea and favourite bread,

With conversation that would bring peace, make the hear glad,

Not having that for the rest of my life fills the heart with dread,

We know the first, we know the inbetweens but we don't know the last

The last cup of tea and favourite bread

Oh how I miss you my wonderful dad!

Grieving

When you lose a parent it's almost like a physical loss of a part of yourself. The grief is there to stay though it will hit harder in the beginning then the frequency may taper to more bearable hours and that may be days much later on. That later on varies for everyone. Here's my take on the grief:

1. The first few days you feel a huge loss of even physical strength that it's tough to even get up.

2. Being alone can be very tough in the beginning. Even a few moments.

3. Walls can seem to close in.

4. You may have huge bouts of crying and it seems unstoppable. Days and days this can continue.

5. Or can't seem to cry at all for a while

6. The same last scene can keep recurring in your mind

7. And then one day it goes out such that you can't see it again at all.

8. You may dream of the lost loved ones a lot

9. Or can't seem to meet them even in dreams.

10. You may have palpitations or other stress related physical symptoms

11. You may want to be busy all the time

12. Or not at all want to be too busy

13. Or there are times when you can't do anything

14. Tears can fill your eyes suddenly when not expected

15. You may cling to old albums

16. You may find each new thing a huge ordeal, not to be able share with those loved ones. So that entire first year is going to be extra hard.

17. You may get a little better and then slip back again remembering any little moment.

18. You may want to talk a lot and build up a huge support system

19. Or may want to withdraw much more or with specific people

20. Random moments will remind of your lost loved one and how your life changed

21. Even seeing that relation, for example, parents with  their kids in a random place or even on the TV can tear you up

22. You may keep getting hit by the realization again and again each time you wake up initially. You wish it was a bad dream. But it doesn't go away. And then with time the frequency changes a but. Instead of many times a day, maybe the realization hits you just once or a few times every day. 

23. You may eventually turn spiritual or  perplexed by questions of life and death

24. A particular time in the day may be much harder for you for the void will remain.

25. Sleep patterns may change

26. So can food habits

27. The same physical space may seem very confining suddenly

28. Yet, you may be wary of any variability in the routine or that same physical space.

29. You may take a shaky step ahead and fall back two steps.

30. And it feels like a huge abyss.

Then, just hold onto yourself. Hold onto anything that gives a bit of peace to you. One small step to the next. It happens. It is toughest part of life, at least so far. It will take time. But one day it will be more bearable, you will be better. Though you will miss but slowly you will take good memories in your heart and remember that horrible moment when you lost your loved one, less. The realization will set in. But it will never be the same again. It will change you iŕrevocably in many ways. It will age you irreversably. The pain may go to the background for a while but it can pop up anytime. You will learn to live with that much pain and sense of loss. But you will be functional and will live life fully again someday. And it will feel wrong also at times. But remember it is not. Because your life is linked to other loved ones also who are there. Because life is too precious to be frittered away. It needs to be lived every single day. 

List of movies to watch

So far, I have created a list of some great feel good movies and now this lust contains some good movies to watch ahead which may then get into the next lists. These a good mix of movies whose story I know as have read the book and those which I need to see. So here it is: 

1. 5 feet apart

2. Little women

3. Anne of green gables (cartoon)

4. Anne of green gables (CBC series)

5. Anne of green gables (1985 movie)

6. Anne of green gables (2016/17 movie)

7. The fault in our stars (again)

8. The secret garden: cartoon

9. The secret garden: movie

10. Heidi : cartoon/movie

11. Casper( cartoon, again)

12. Polyanna :cartoon

13. Polyanna : movie

14. Confession of a Shopaholic (again)

15. Percy Jackson series of movies

16. Big little lies (maybe)

17. Through the looking glass

18. Sleepless in seattle

19. Sound of music

20.It's a wonderful life

21. Inception

22. Matrix trilogy

23. LOTR

24. Vampire diaries: series, try

25. Parasite

26. Casablanca

27. Farewell (Chinese)

28. Life is beautiful

29. Dead Poets Society

30. Legally Blonde

31. The Dark Night

32. Eternal sunshine of spotless mind

33. Breakfast Club

34. Forest Gump

35. Four weddings and a funeral

36. Gravity

37. Interstellar

38. Matilda

39. Famous five series BBC

40. Nancy drew series

41. Sweet Valley  series/movie

42. Flintstones (again)

43. I dream of jeanie (again)

44. Hyacinth videos (more)

45. Everything everything

46. Midnight Sun

47. Sisterhood of travelling pants (again)

48. Angels and demons (again?)

49. Da Vinci Code (again)

50. Cast away

51. The theory of everything

52. The imitation game

List of hindi movies

Some recent unique, unorthodox Hindi movies (mostly amongst newer ones):

1. Hichki

2. Dear Zindagi

3. Chak de

4. 102 not out

5. Saina

6. Panga

7. Mary Kom

8. Mardaani

9. Queen

10. Chhichhore

11.3 idiots

12. Dil Chahta hai

13. Rocket Singh

14. Pyar ka Punchnama

15. Chhalang

16. Big bull

17.Sanju

18. Lagaan

19. Helicopter Eela

20. Mission Mangal

22. Sonu de Tittu de wedding

21. Guest in London

22. English Vinglish

23.Taare Zameen Pe

24. Lunchbox

25. Munna bhai

26. Lage raho munna bhai

27. Neerja

28. Bheja fry

29. Hindi medium

30.Chillar Party

31.Badaai Ho

32.Kapoor and sons

33.Udaan

34.Padman

35.Suidhaga

36.Newton

37.Shakuntala Devi

38. Thappad

39. Lakhya

40. Rock on

41. Bhaag mikka bhaag

42. Dangal

43. Secret superstar

44. Manikarnika

 Wow! Thi proves how much Bollywood has grown in mindset recently! Now for some, simple, repeatable feel good movies:

Some older feel good movies

1. Kya Kehna

2. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum ( just because it's my favourite)

3. Abhiman

4. Kabhie Kabhie

5. Padosan

6. Yaarana

7. Namak Halaal

8. Dil toh pagal

9. Kuch kych hota hai

10. Bunty and babli

11. Jodha Akbar

12. Hum Saath saath hain

13. Guide

14. Maine pyar kiya

15. Hadd kardi aapne

16. Diwane

17. Bol radha bol

18. Hum aapke hain kaun

19. Mohabattein

20. Hum dil de chuke Sanam

21. Dilwale dulhania le jayenge

22. Akele hum akele tum

23. Papa kehte hain

24. Raja hindustani

25. Silsila

26. Har dil jo pyar karega

27. Mujse dosti karogi

28. Soldier

29. Yeh jawaani hai diwani

30 Jab we met

31. Hum tum

32. Band baja bharat

33. Humpty sharma ki dulhania

34. Kal ho naa ho

35. Hasee toh Phasee

36. Golmal

37. Chupke chupke

38. Veer  Zara

39.Jab we met

40. Dil dhadakne do

42. Shadi ke side effects

43. Chalte chalte

44. Taal

45. Don

46. Dostana

47. Chandini

48.  Ghar ho toh aisa

49. Mr. India

50.  Love aaj kal

51. Khoobsurat

52. Aaiysha

53. Haseena maan jayegi

54. Bade miyan, chota miyan 

55. Border

56. Sir

57. Dil

58. Hum hain rahi pyar ke

59. Partner

60. Mujhse shaadi karogi

61. Dil kya kare

62. Pyar kiya to darna kya

63. Hum aapke dil mein rehta hain

64. Ki & ka

65. Aakhen

66. Bhagban

66. Salaam Namaste

67. Karna

Some movies yet to be seen

____

Wake up Sid

Life in a metro

Piku

Vicky donor

Do dooni chaar

Shubh Mangal Saavdhan

I am Kalam

Tu hai mera Sunday(?)

Kahani

Black

Bucket list

The sky is pink

Talaash

Raazi

Mughalaiazam

Zero

The intern?

Tribhanga

Badla

Aarakshan

Feel good movies list (English)

Here I am creating a list of feel good, pick-me up movies which can then be watched in times of need. So here are some movies which I feel are worth watching again (in no particular order):

1. If only

2. A walk to remember

3. Mrs. Doubtfire

4. Love actually

5. He's just not that into you

6. Two week's notice

7. You've got mail

8. The notebook

9. P.S I love you

10. The confessions of a Shopaholic

11. Bride wars

12. How to lose a guy in 10 days

13. The runaway bride

14. Twilight: all movies

15. Erin Brockovich

16. Marlie & me

17. It takes two

18. The internship

19. Lego movie

20. Father of the bride: both parts

21. The sisterhood of travelling pants

22. Malificient

23. Beauty and the beast

24. Tangled.

25. Ratatouille

26. Stuart little

27. Finding nemo, dory

28. The fault in our stars

29. The princesd diaries

30. Mouse hunt

31. Harry Potter: all parts

32. Charlie and the chocolate factory

33. Home alone

34. Baby's day out

35. I am legend

36. Kung fu Panda

37. Up

38. Bruce Almighty

39. The proposal

Some good movies but maybe not rewatch: 

1. Jaws

2. Baywatch

3. Speed

4. Jurassic Park

5. AI

6. Gravity

7. The sixth sense

8. Contagion

Parents and parenting

"All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;"

If the world is a stage and we the actors, then parents are the audience. They are the stars around which we revolve. We perform for them and do so by sharing our daily lives, our joys and grieviences with them. 

This starts right at childhood even before we start to speak.  The infants cry out their needs. And it is vice versa. For parents, the new role they get is irreversible and changes their being. They start seeing everything in life from the perspective of how it will affect their children first and foremost. From global warming to covid to a random television advertisement which suddenly tears them up. They begin to empathesize with other parents, including theirs own.

And for children, parents validate their lives, the little-little incidents of their lives become manifolds more important to their parents. The shared joy and sadness makes it real. The advice is taken by children as a gift, as optional, oft taken for granted, with the expectation that it will always be there, whether they follow or not. 

Sometimes they tug for more freedom. And sometimes they reach back. They touch base and hold onto reality check. Celebrating together adds that extra zing. And that's what diminishes when we lose a parent. The teether breaks. And we fall and are lost. The validation, the zing, the audience is gone when suddenly one realizes that one is performing without an audience. And then they realize that the stage is set for someone else. That though, they are performers, they are also audience. And the story of life continues as it has for eons.

Grieving: a restructuring of life

Grieving is a different process for all of us. Recently I realized that it's very different from the regular tough times. In those times, one tries to overcome or wait out a time after which things become ok or at least that is the hope.

Here, there is no such hope. One can't ever get out of the situation. It is more like a chronic disease or a disability. It never goes away, one has to learn to live with it. One has to rewire oneself, restructure life and then just wait to get used to the pain, the change till it is part of every day life. One can never overcome. One can just learn to bear it. And live with it. 

Papa ke nuskhe

This is my first father's day without my father in this world. Parents teach us everything right as we enter this world so. How to say the first word, how to take the first step and then the in betweens and the 'thereafters'.  Here I list out just some of those vital lessons my dad imparted to me. Please excuse the random order (due to randomness of state of mind ). They are varied enough but in no ways complete. Just a small snapshot  which I wanted to record and keep.

1. Eat healthy

2. Eat fruits

3. Drink hot water, green, tea

4. Eat healthy veggies. All colors.

5. Practise homeopathy wherever possible.

6. Chicken curry/soup cures all ailments/weaknesses.

7. Walk. Don't  neglect  Yoga/exercise/meditation

8. Always follow rules

9. Be extra careful

10.  Be patient. No needless arguments.

11. Studying is the key to success.

12. Enjoy the finer things of life

13. Dressing style matters. Dress with dignity.

14. Travelling is good.

15. Family is foremost.

16. He perfected balancing family and work life.

17. Care and know more about those around you : be it workers, friends or colleagues.

18. Help those in need.

19. It doesn't hurt to tip.

20. Be careful what you post on social media.

21. Music: I grew up listening to him sing. Always. Even when recovering,he kept music close to him.

22.  Don't forget to lighten up things

23. There's always room for tea with family.

24. Speak with confidence.

25. Work with sincerity but don't hesitate to show your work or speak up for yourself.

26. He always stood out. I don't know how.

27. It's actually possible to have 20-50 absolutely close friends.

28. No controversy ever anywhere.

29. Be considerate of all others, even neighbours.

30 Know the  names of your help.

31.  Stay updated on news.  He was my news channel.

32. Cleanliness.

33. Declutter

34. Use the good cutlery now. Don't wait for a special occasion. Today is that occasion.

35. However, special occasions are worth the celebrations

36. Keep contacts handy and think all possibilities of things which can go wrong also so that you can have the safety net ready. The embassy everywhere was an extended family.

37. Keep learning and trying new things. New technology.

38. Friends are gems in oldage.

39. Destress.

40. Adequate sleep.

41. Choose the right for the kid at every age.

42. Keep in touch with not just their teachers but also the Head.

43. There's no such thing as too many toys for kids

44. Extra patience with mummy.

45. Create memories.

46. Keep in shape.

47. Eat  yogurt, eat salad.

48. Birthday cards and gifts, chocolates, cakes are not overrated.

49. Don't  make noise at night. People sleep. This one is tough with a kid!

50. You alone are enough, sufficient to be responsible.

51. Go out and take ownership.

52. Be alert.

53. The peace and calmness of mountains.

54. The touch of sand on the beach.

55. Feeding birds and squirrels in sunlight, in a park, in the middle of the week. Because thats what ypur family needs. This is a memory closest to my heart, of my childhood.

56. Childhood never ends if you have parents.

57. Let go of the worrisome stuff.

58. Footwear matters.

59.  Words matter. Check and recheck.

60. The confidence of public speaking: believe that you are the only expert on required subject matter.

61. There's always time for family.

62. Keep kitchen clean. Always.

63. Celebrate all festivals fully.

64. Maintain your decorum in all situations.

65. Quality and brand matters. Be old school in those.

66. Have flax seeds, walnuts.

67. The importance of cross ventilation.

68. Less maggi.

69. He gave me my strength by his sure, strong and constant backing.

70. That I am so very loved.

71. Use a little oil at the end of kneading to avoid jagged edges on rotis.

72 Finally, that  I will be ok. Because he was finally. Eventhough he was as shocked and devasted when my grandfather passed away.

Famous books in which key characters lost their parent/parents

Famous books in which key characters lost their parent/parents

1.The little princess

2. The secret garden

3. Heidi

4. Harry Potter

5. The railway children

6. Nancy Drew

7. Rebecca of Sunnybrook

8. Pippa

9. Emily of new moon

10. Anne of green gables. Paul, Davy, Dora also, in the same series.

Yes, these were all children. But then we are all children for our parents.

Dos and don'ts when talking to a grieving person/family

Recently it has been of great comfort to talk to/message close ones. It is in these hard times that one either closes down completely or leaks words. For me it is the latter. The silence is still too scary.

I also noticed how uncomfortable it is for people to talk in such tough, grieving times. And I remember how it used to similar for me earlier. I used to wonder what to say to people when there are no words which can help. Well, being at the other end, I decided to form a list of pointers which may help those trying to make that phone call:

1. Do call them up if your hesitation is between calling and not calling. If possible, give a few days unless you are extremely close and needed by them.

2. Don't make them relive that moment  to satisfy your curiousity unless they seem to want to. It's ok to ask what happened but don't probe. They will have to repeat this over and over again and keep reliving those moments again and again.

3. Don't dwell into the why's of what happened. It's extremely painful. And it won't help anyone.

4. Especially don't dwell into what you feel could have been done. The grieving family would have done and probed every inch of possibility and its beyond aggravating to have to explain that to any third person. 

5. Do call back if they are not able to answer your phone. They are not ignoring you, just sad or busy in rituals or in another zone.

6. Remember any small help you can do is manifolds at that time. It could be simply the act of calling regularly while they stabilize or some small practical help.

7. Do share any good memory you have of the person. It provides a lot of comfort to relive memories together.

8. Don't freak out if they start crying. It is natural, they can't help it.

9. Don't try small talk. It's too early to hear about the world going by normally.

10. Instead try any words that give strength. Maybe remind them of any tough time you or they overcame. It tends to give a little hope.

11. Finally, don't worry if you don't have words. It's ok. There are no right words. Just being there and being kind is enough. Grief is a very lonely place. It helps to have a hand or some hands to hold onto, someone to talk to.

My father: the complete man

It is with profound grief that I announce that on 1st June,  my father, Mr. Rajesh Kapoor passed on to his heavenly abode  Here I am penning down some thoughts about him.

How do you describe a person who represented your whole life? There was a Raymond advertisement a few years ago : the complete man. That was my father. The complete man. In style, personality, kindness and relations.

In my childhood, I saw him being the perfect son. Every  single weekend, we  would visit my grandparents. He would be there for them for all occasions good and bad. 

I saw him being a wonderful brother and husband as I grew up.

And we come to me.  

I, being the only child was extra special to him. He took me for all exams, interviews. Every single one, even MTech, PhD and interviews! And he would wait there. He encouraged me to study, to work. He motivated me. He was my guide, adviser, doctor, teacher, friend, role model and so much more.

He had so many close friends: close, so very close. He knew exactly what each his kids did and where they wete settled and then the little anecdotes which he would regale. He would give advise to all regarding health, career and education. 

He was a retired IFS officer who was very dedicated to his work and an exceptional orator and leader. He travelled the world and touched the hearts of people everwhere. He was there to set up the first embassy in South Africa when apartheid ended. He took us all over the world: Canada, Bangladesh, South Africa, Mauritius, USA and in between. He has friends everywhere.

He was loved amongst  friends, colleagues, neighbours. He knew  all guards, workers and their families. He would switch off the RO at night so that the old neighbours would not get disturbed! 

He of course was never old. He learnt the latest video games from my son and played. 2 years ago trecked to Lal Tibba in Mussourie with us.

He loved our child, his granchild and took care of him. He would bring from school, wait while he played and then take for all kinds of juices: coconut water, sugarcane juice and others. He helped him cycle and raced with him.

He somehow always made time for all: family and friends and never once was busy for me. He was a giver, adviser and doer. He loved music, homeopathy and astrology.

He was stylish and loved all good things of life. He was fun, funny and full of energy. 

On his last day, he talked to so many friends, happily mentioning that he would walk soon and meet them.

He is missed so very much.

No right age to lose a parent

Is there a right age to losing a parent/parents? We all know that the death of all who are alive is inevitable. Yet, it shocks and grieves us. The level of shock depends on the suddenness and nature of passing away. The grief depends on the closeness.

It leaves us isolated and desolate and inconsolable. Is there a right age? It's not childhood when we don't even know love or the world. We need them to show us what love means, what life means. It's not youth, when we need maximum guidance and direction. It's not the stage when finally things somewhat settle down and we begin to become almost like friends to them as we get along and understand them so much better. It's not middle age, when we have had them and depended on them all of our huge life. And it's not old age when the shock and grief is so much harder to bear than our aged body and mind can handle.

There is no right age to lose a parent. Yet it happens. And it breaks the heart as nothing else can till then. It dims life's joys and the ability to look forward.

I am not OK

There was a challenge to write a post titled "I am not OK". What better time than now with COVID infection.

I have lost the sense of smell and taste. Literally, no sense of any smell and taste. I put on cream and nothing. Soap, nothing. Even with perfume. It started with me not liking chips. Well, sometimes, pringles can be a little off I thought. But when I couldn't even taste a mango, I realized there was something wrong. It felt bland, slightly sweet but no flavour and tang. And that is how my life continues. Flavorless.

Corona has weird effects. There is the tiredness. On days, actually several times a day, it's tough to get up from lying position to drink water but the throat keeps drying. A trip to the washoom or kitchen is exhauting enough to demand the rest worth of a few kms walk.

Why a walk to the kitchen some may wonder. Well, when corona hits the family, one stills needs to cook and clean. It is not a break. Except from easy breathing. Easy reading. Easy anything.

For days, lights troubled. I couldn't tolerate the glare of any light.  I couldn't read. And I read a book a day.

Any day. Every day. Until suddenly it hurt to roll eye balls. Reading and grasping became beyond me. I saw just words. I couldn't even read sitcom brief descriptions on the TV.

Then there have been the bouts of crying. Full blown wailing and crying. For the fears. For me. For family. For the isolation. For no reason. Corona brought about a weird sense of depression which kind of continues. It's too easy to cry. Too tough to sleep. The weird insomnia continues. I need to see broad day light to fall asleep now. Darkness brings about too many lurking shadows. 

Now there is also a haziness around my brain and ENT. I can hear very little and process just as much. The rest goes off in a fog of haze. If I hear 5 fast sentences from my son, I have to ask him to slow down. I forget terms. Does a person remain fully functional after the fever dies does in corona? No. Not by far. Do they ever become fully functional again/ when does that happen. I have yet to find out. That haze around my head, throat, eyes, ears and nose persists and wantomly entangled any of these into not functioning.

So I am not ok. Not right now.  No excuses. No niceties. Just the bland truth to go with bland corona times.

Go away Corona times!

This is to record where life has taken us all with the hope that some day this will seem unbelievable, like a fable.

There are no beds in Delhi hospitals. And where people are admitted, some have died due to lack of oxygen.

No oxygen! Finally we have come to stage where easy breathing is slowly becoming a luxury.

Last year, mostly the most vulnerable were getting infected and becoming seriously ill. The motto was "If you go, you may be ok but you may infect someone vulnerable close to you". Now even the healthy are getting hospitalized. Last year, people feared getting hospitalized/quarantined. Now people are fearing for their lives. Last year, lockdown was  novelty, a challenge to overcome. Right now it really does not matter whether lockdown opens or not. People are too busy in isolation and struggle for survival to go out.

Gone are the days when the common cold was a bit less common. Now it can be lethal. Families are isolating themselves because of it. Parents from kids, partners from each other and in some cases different members get isolated in different rooms. This is to isolate and fight the virus. We are isolated yet together in this fight. 

When it seemed like a last stretch, started a new journey with its own set of new challenges. We reminsce pre-covid times. Someday, there will be a time post-covid. When the world will be mask free again. When gatherings will be happy. Travelling fun. And cold, just a 2 days rest for the body.

We have probably all dreamt of high-tech society. Flying cars maybe. Robots as slaves. And of course driverless cars are in a way here. But for now, let us all come together and pray for the populace to be able to breathe easy. And then we can all hug our loved ones freely again.

What color am I?

The hues of sunset

The tints of baby shells

The soft hint which shows on baby cheek and feet

The color of blush

And skin warming with a rush

The color that lies between the ears of so many animals newborn

A color from early morn

A fight to nothingness

I fought to be heard,

I fought to talk,

I fought for freedom and breathing space,

I fought for companionship,

I fought for all that was important to me.

I fought mightily,

I fought all,

And now there is noone, nothing.

I am nothing.

As my nothingness dissolves into open space,

The world continues at its regular pace.

I wonder why I fought at all,

I wonder what I fought as I look at the empty space.

This women's day, acknowledge the individual

A woman is not a supporting role. She is not there to be a mother, daughter or wife, she is an individual with her own life. Who may need a man in a supporting role just as vice versa. Her purpose in life is to fulfill her destiny, not that of the people around. Though she may choose to do so if that brings her joy. But it is her choice. Or rather it is supposed to be. 

So, this women's day, wish women but not in the context of any relation but as individuals. That by itself is enough. Acknowledge that she can be self sufficient. 

Lessons from "The Lego Movie"

Recently I saw " The Lego Movie" which my son had been longing to watch. An animation movie which turned out to contain pearls of leadership wisdom. It was the kind of movie which made me immediately take notes which I am sharing below.

It's protagonist is Emmet, this worker who believes in following rules and tries his hardest to fit in by being as "normal" as possible. He forgets to be himself and is only remembered as the "yes" guy when he gets lost. However, when he is told he is special, he achieves wonders. There is a powertug between the imaginators who want to create with freedom but are derisive about rules and the ruler who wants everything to stay as is to the extent of glueing everything together. I will not add more to avoid spoilers. Watch to see how it finally turns out!  Here are some special thoughts from this special movie:

• Everyone is special, interesting and extraordinary if they believe so. Tell them, they may not have heard it before

• It is not necessary to micromanage

• But the rules and process are necessary

• Invention and imagination go hand in hand

• But teamwork is necessary for implementation and that requires a process

• There is no need to be rigid like glue, one needs to adaptable

• Unexpected people can create great things is they are given a chance

• We shouldn’t lose our individuality to fit in

• Instead of looking superficially positive, sometimes just be honest.

• Normalcy is underrated

• It’s possible to learn from anyone

• It’s good to just play at times

The pink fairy with the iron sword

"Lets harvest the smiles and success of the previous year and sow the seeds of nascent, fanciful dreams for the year ahead"

Happy New Year (being January, it still holds for me!)

After long last, I fulfilled a long term dream! With all your good wishes, I finally published my poetry book. 

This book is titled "The pink fairy with the iron sword".

Description: This is a collection of poems across a decade depicting the life cycle of a woman from teenage to womanhood to motherhood. The hope ebbs and rises and the maturity of writing changes throughout the chapters as we proceed chronologically. It depicts the balance of the pinkness of the femininity with the strength of the iron sword which are all held together with a tinge of magic which we all have within us.

It is a collection of poems reflecting various stages in a woman’s life from teenager to motherhood. An attempt has been made to touch upon diverse experiences visualizing about a decade long typical journey of a woman. It dwells upon her joys and sorrows, dreams and fears, achievements and failures, pleasures and pains, desires and disappointments, mental conflicts, and their resolution.

The poems have been written in a sublime manner to stir the imagination of the reader to appreciate these stages of femininity. The journey takes you through the dreamy, dreadful stages to a stage of fulfilment encompassing her childhood, academic journey, career, youth and finally motherhood.

The poems symbolize the dilemma of an ambitious woman who faces the pressures of academic excellence coming in the way of her desire to lead a carefree life. The poems also bring out the inherent fragilities of a woman in her day-to-day life and how she resolves to overcome the challenges of a male dominated society to emerge triumphant in her career and life.

Words about the book: "Once you pick up this book, you have an insatiable appetite to finish it, just like a racy and juicy novel. She is a significant signature in the eminent list of Indian writers in English language. Her poems force you to think about the endless aspects of life. Her unique style is awe inspiring. She is destined to soar higher and higher and touch every heart. Readers shall want more; such is the force of her writings. "

As readers, you have already gotten a preview of some poems, do book your copy today for the complete list.

Link on Amazon: https://www.amazon.in/dp/B08RBFT426/ref=cm_sw_r_wa_apa_L5f6Fb9A3Y3WR?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

 A journey has started. A tiny step in a new direction, looking forward to moving ahead with leaps and bounds.