Mandi trip: reflections (Part 3)

Well there is a whole lot that can be captured about Mandi trip and maybe I will continue but here I pause and add some reflections before the new year steals attention. Just some random thoughts that pop in mind when you live alone, even for 4 days.

People/things you miss...
When you are away, you tend miss certain parts of daily life more than others. When you are alone, you tend to miss certain people more than others. It depicts the important parts of your daily life. Sometimes those can be surprises also. For example, during IIT days, in each conference I used to miss IIT's nescafe tea and the talks I shared with people during those times. This time, I had moved on. I longed my kid as any parent would. But there were surprises. For example, I missed not the extra funtimes but taking care of him. Bathing him, wiping his nose...simple activities...
Being alone I read and wrote a lot but I also longed to talk to people and reach out. One also wonders more about what is happening in that daily life. Technology certainly helps. Phone calls and photos play a big role.

When scenic beauty is enough
The view of the mountains. The stillness of the river, it gave great bliss to the heart. It quietened all frenzy and there were moments when there was a stillness in the air and I felt at one with nature again.  To have a great view on waking up, great lunchtimes views and some half hour slots otherwise was enough. People planned trips for sightseeing but for me, just this quietness was enough.

Tea and long talks
The best part of every day would definitely be coming to be the room, switching on the heater and making a cup of tea with a novel, diary or phone call. Of course chocolates also helped! Oh, what peace it was. Sometimes it was early enough to see daylight, mostly it was night. But what bliss it was to end the day with a cup of tea. Well tea has played an important role in so many aspects. Be it the pampered lazy luxurious cup of tea as a child, the tea and long talks with friends discussing every aspect of life, the multiple cups of tea during PhD and its struggles, the romantic cup of tea  or just the daily cups of tea coming home or even "teddy tea parties" with child. Teas are made special by the company.  Be it new friendships or old, light hearted discussions or discussions on the intricacies of life, nothing beats tea and long talks. Tea is the best beverage for a conversation. The varieties are numerous: sweet/ creamy/green/black/flavored, enough to cater to moods, health and types of people. They are hot enough for us to start a conversation and take it to some kind of conclusion where the cold beverages would fail. They soothe us unlike coffee which instills greater excitability. They soothe us and make us more lucid  and in a greater position to understand unlike any alcoholic beverage.  So next time, there's a conversation pending, start it with a cuppa. Tea and long talks can make a great New Year resolution ....to have tea and long talks regularly with all people who are important parts of your life or were or may become important or even those who seem to require it or  sometimes just when you require a conversation.

Mandi Trip: the journey and thereafter (Part 2)

The journey and thereafter

Then there it was. The much dreaded journey. Well the journey was made much easier by company...which was also a last minute decision and coincidence. But how it helped. There are few people with whom you speak as comfortably as you can be quite. Or even fall asleep, reassured.  The journey went smoothly. More smoothly than expected. When best friends meet, they always have enough to catch up on. The time goes faster and troubles become shorter.  We had a stopover at one place and went out just for the sake of it. It was freezing and we shiveringly ordered what turned out to be the worlds worst tea! There was still something to say about sitting there in Ambala, nursing that cup of tea as it warmed our hands.

When the journey started again, a group of college kids started playing Antakshri and music. Oh, were they a young lot! I felt suddenly that there was a huge difference between 20s and 30s. And then I saw a white haired old couple right ahead me. Well life is a full circle. As the songs soothed me and lulled me towards sleep, I realised I missed doing that. Going out on a trip like this with a big group of friends and just being carefree. But as my friend stated, "that won't have been us". Or more importantly, this now was enough for present. I was exploring boundaries, in good company,  in my own little way.

The much dreaded journey slipped away as we entered the unforgiving winters of Mandi at its peak early in the morning when even the Sun felt lazy coming out. Somehow we reached our exact destination...college guest house. It was ....literally in the middle of nowhere! There seemed noone about for a while and we had a new set of misgivings but then we entered our rooms and life was good again. Ahh, what a welcome site it was to find that huge heater. For the next half hour I did nothing but freeze in front of it until the body felt as if there was life in it yet. Slowly my eyes went to the desk in the room....how appropriate! Thrn the kettle. Ohh to have tea with the heater in the backdrop of that cold. Surely nothing could beat that! Well, that was until I saw the view. Majestic! Full window view of the hills and I knew I had made no mistake in arriving. Just this sight for four days would be worth the ride.

All this gave me the much needed respite for two hours by which time we were welcomed by enough to be secure that there was humanity even in the middle of nowhere. This idea would only be re-enforced further in the next few days. Well, the two hours passed by quickly and it was time for a full day ahead. Who would have thought I would be ready to work after a 12 hour journey! Well, welcome to the grown up world!

More to come in blogs ahead....the first day fall, research, reflections and much more....

Mandi Trip: A trip that almost wasn't to be (Part 1)

This trip almost didn't happen. Well there's a lot in it to tell so I will divide it into parts....

The decision

I had planned it long ago for research purpose. But then that time it didn't strike me how difficult it would be to reach to such a place or how the situation might vary with time. So my health fell, again and again and with it fell my confidence. I couldn't do a 12 hour bus trip. Heck, I even hated train journeys and would take flight whereever possible. I didn't do long journeys. Never had. Flights were different. And now with bad health...a weak stomach, recovering from a bad case of viral, well it seemed impossible. And there was the extreme cold which seemed equally terrifying right then. I even feared going alone. What if one of the terrible stories of incidents with girls came true? What if the bus fell due to bad weather. Fears engulfed  where there had been none. And I couldn't cancel. I had asked for this. I felt trapped and terrified.  Terrified to refuse. Trapped into going.

Then it changed. I remembered how we should always do one thing that terrifies us. So this would be it for the year.  And then I realised I didn't have to go.  Nobody would kill me if I didn't. I was even given the choice not to go. I could easily settle back into routine and have a relaxing weekend additionally. But I would always feel I wimped out. Of course there was still the need to go not just to overcome fears but also to learn and to keep my word. To do what I took as mine to be done. But it certainly helped to have it as a choice till the very end. Now I wasn't trapped into going, now it was an internal choice.

And I was off. Off to a new journey. The thought in mind ...there's a difference between foolhardiness and courage. Often we don't which we are doing this much later. I wondered which this was. Of course for many, it would be trivial but that varies from person to person and also in different situations.

More to follow....the journey....the trip, the reflections it brought and a lot more...

Cycle of influenza

Warning: This may be a cribopost!

December, a month I always look forward seems to have taken a strange contrary turn this time. Things which can go wrong, are.  And that doesn't even include the unexpected. Lets take the long, strong bout of flu. A normal flu flutters in and out as we solder on. We may even welcome a day's rest for it. This one  however, had all sorts of stages:

1. Collapse: I am dead to the world. Help.
2. Hopelessness: My life is over. This will never get better. Maybe it is some deadly disease....maybe I need to reevaluate my life at every level.
3. Too far off: Ok, maybe it will get better but too late for me to ever catch up in this race called life. Maybe it will last into weeks or months gobbling away all my leaves and thus leaving me helpless and clueless about the world. 
4. Desirelessness: There is nothing that I want anymore. I am too fed up. What was it that I wanted from life?
5. A stray hope: So I found a single thread towards what gives me/ used to give me  happiness. So now, holding that tiny thread forth,  lets see the next tiny step. Desires are coming back!
6. Alive again: Life is good and I am alive again.
7. Haziness: Just as life seems better again, the aftereffects of illness and medicine turn grey in the form of weakness and a thick veil of haziness. I am physically better but the mind refuses to work. I am only 50% of what I originally was. Help!

And there we are! A cycle of flu eating time up time, health and sucking up all joy.

Haircuts and style changes

There is a theory I have developed with experience about haircuts and changes in styles. A change in haircut or hairstyle invariably leads to a change in personality.  Whenever I am looking for some change, I go for a change in style. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes for worse. But it's a new journey. It's tougher of course when you are not looking for changes and still want a change in look. Because it WILL still affect life. Besides experience there is also a logical basis to it. As we change our look, something in our personality undergoes a delta change. We become more carefree with a shorter cut or more ready for experiencing changes with a wilder or more experimental look. A traditional, long style may depict more maturity and a greater need for stability.

This may also be true for beards and moustaches though that would be based more on theory and observation than experience! A moustached look would represent a more traditional and also somehow more responsible outlook. A  clean shaven look may represent a disciplined personality. An unshaven look may reperesent a transparent, confident nature with no need to prove anything to the world. A more experimental look again may be a way of reaching for different flavors of life. 

With that said, lets see where this new journey takes me.

Quotable quotes

During my college days, we would find a quote on the board which we would see everyday before setting about on our floors. Soon we began to look out for it. It was interesting and a good way of setting about the day. So around 6-7 months ago, when I got a chance ( board),  I recalled those moments and started writing a quote a day, most weekdays. At first it was exciting and easy and a good conversation starter for a new person. It also was good to see people stop by and read them. Later it seemed tougher, you don't feel as equitable each day and not all quotes are appropriate everywhere. But slowly I realised it helped me the most. No matter what else was happening, I was bound to start the day with a positive or at least interesting thought and that definitely set a better tone for the day.

When you read quotes everyday, you do tend to develop some of your own reflections also. Here are some reflections of the past 6 months:

Only the graceful and open hearted deserve apologies.

Too much and too little time are both equally deadly.

In the age of texts, there lies a tiny tale within the original undeleted texts and the final ones that actually 'qualify'.

Many come in for chatter but the ones who mean to stand by you, stay for the silences

Just like on diving in the sea takes some time to get bearings, in the same way, after being wordless, it takes a while for words to come again.

Don't count the minutes, makes the minutes count ( ok this exists in the form of days but I find it more appropriate for minutes)

Life is about those stolen "just happy moments" that come in between those "so hectic moments"

Gathered leaves wear coats of endless colors, each one painted  by time (I think I wrote this but this written a long time ago so only 90% sure)

Some of the greatest memories have no photos, no status updates, just a satisfaction of a moment well lived.

Just like our technological devices, we also need rebooting at times. Sometimes it's ok to pause, reflect, smile and then restart.

This Childrens' Day, glad to be grown up!

Today is Childrens' Day and as different people recall their childhood and glorify those times, I seem to have a different perspective.  This time, right now is the best. There have been many forwards about single life being great and maybe it is so for many. To each his own. But this post is for those married people in their 30s leading normal, stable lives. This time is the best. You are married, maybe with a child or two, a stable job  or if lucky then career, you have a set of stolid friends and are more or less "settled". And that's actually great!  Lets rewind and see why.

Childhood is a time of dependece, unstability and uncertainity. You don't know who your friends are. You get bullied. You fear being  a laughing stock the most during this time. You don't know what you will do with your life. You are complete "dependant". This starts somewhere  in school.  For some this starts during middle school and for some, earlier. The phase before this fades with time and preserves fewer memories. Homework, marks, competition, discipline and peer pressure define a typical child or typical Indian child. Maybe some hobbies come to play at some point of time.  They come with their set of guilt of "not  studying". The child becomes a teenager. Their priorities change. Friendships, crushes and latest trends become more important. There begins the start of their push for independance. Teachers' and parents' opinions suddenly seems very remote. Friends matter though that may or may not help. This is also the time maximum hearts are broken. Sometimes even by so called friends. This is the most unpredictable age as interests and dreams start taking directions and many plans made earlier go haywire. An aspirant doctor may want to become an actor, a would be scientist may suddenly want to be a writer and so on. Sometimes there is a basis and sometimes it is just an exploration. But as they push boundaries, some may feel too bound and unable to explore which could be the start of a lifetime of regrets and blamegames. Others explore, push and thus starts the phase of uncertainities. College starts and suddenly the freedom  becomes variable.  You are in a transition  from childhood towards adulthood. Future becomes important. Relationships become serious, friendships more selective and careers more result oriented. You measure everything in terms of how it will affect your some remote future.  You also experience some "in between" pleasures. You also make great memories. But the rest of the time the future looms a ahead like a gray hazy cloud of smog.  As you approach forward, you realise, moving ahead paves the way and that's all there is, different paths for the rest of the life. Crisscrosses which never end but do decrease with time. As you make more decisions, you move away from the mesh and more towards a major direction with minor diversions. Of course, conditions apply !

A few hit and trials, a few setbacks, some success earlier or later in different aspects of life and you are here. You are settled.  You know whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are "home". You know what you want to do in the rest of your life. Another direction settled.  You live with your own little family. You are independent. You can be as slovenly or neat as you wish. As lazy or adventurous as you wish. You meet your little one. Suddenly you can explore a fresh childhood without the pains of actually experiencing it. Or maybe those pains of helplessness increase for parents later but not for the next 6-7 years probably! You have a set of stolid, trustable friends. People you can depend upon. You have more confidence. The world, in which you have your own niche is no longer scary. Ridicule is no longer as feared. You can revel in  your uniqueness and best of all, the little things are just that, little. They are no longer the end of the world. You are cushioned by stability in different aspects of life. Life has an entire spectrum to offer as you get ready to taste its diverse flavours.

Discovering Life: PG Express: It's worth the wait (Part 2)

This is it. The Convocation. The recognition of years of effort and all that is much more than effort. And suddenly student life is over forever. Or maybe that has just been formalized now but it got over much earlier. Between thesis submission and defense, a PhD scholar slowly weans away from student life, towards another world. That happened. After defense, one loses all fears of uncertainity so convocation remains a mere formality. And that's what it seemed like until the Vedic mantras started. It was just the rehersal. The person conducting it explained that they meant that the institute and teachers have done all they could and now it is upto the students to take this knowledge further. Next came the oath. And subsequently the goosebumps. And the memories. The memories include the pride of being able to gain  knowledge from such great minds,  to learn at such a great institute, of achieving more than expected. And all the good stuff. There is a lot. But there have been posts about it. This post is not about that.

Because somehow this time I remembered all the tough moments. The tears. The toil. The time before it all started....how unreachable it seemed, right from school...yes it was an early dream.  The victory of joining and then the fears. The time of struggle when one could just plod on with no clarity. More tears. The harsh questions. The determined answers. The constant feeling that "it WILL work out somehow". The sleepness nights. The weekendless months. It was tough. Tough in so many more ways than just academic. And finally there was also the time when I also finally wondered whys of doing it. It comes to everyone in some or the other phase. For me that started when it was nearly over. When the next steps became hazy.   When you know that you that are oriented for a specific field. Yes, field matters after so many years. When you  can't bear the experience and effort not being acknowledged.

Yes, soon it all worked out and the questions became long forgotten. Until these chants. Was it worth it? Yes. Would I do it again if given a chance. Yes, of course.  But that doesn't change it WAS tough. What did it teach me? Confidence and persistance. There is nothing that can't be done. Somethings just take longer and some just need more effort. Just like after childbirth, one gains the courage to bear any kind of pain, with the reminder that it is minisculine compared to that,  same is the case with PhD. You gain the courage to take up any task and know that you can do it, because you have crossed  much bigger and stronger hurdles. And survived. 
You come out stronger.
And realise it's ok to cry a few tears of joy at that final moment.  They validate all those other tears.

Some places are just humane

Though there are many pending posts, this one deserves to be written today. It's been 6 months for me at the new work place now. 6 months of learning, fun, excitement and a sense of accomplishment. 6 months of new stuff which keeps happening. 6 months of flurry.  Some jobs are good, some are bad, some to be tolerated, some for timepass and some to be enjoyed. And then there are those rare ones which become a way of life. They directly or indirectly touch other aspects of your life. They change something internally. For me it was a sense of respect and a sense of humanness. You lose it in student life especially PhD. You are meant to do as instructed. But suddenly you realise that you are amongst the human race again...people who have personal lives and a sense of individuality and don't mind stating it and understand that you do too. With time you lose a sense of constant fear. It's like school for geeks (people who actually look forward to it!). Of course there are ups and downs, days of busyness and days of laziness, days when you are eager to go and days when you just wana go back to bed. But it's the right place when the work part is still fun.
It's the right place when you have smiles coming and going put.

How is it compared to other places for me? Well PhD has seen enough posts to it.  The other places, the work was good but they made me wonder if one can get too old for new friendships. Or too whatever after PhD. Yes, no lucid words for that state. They made me miss that one best friend terribly.  And I so longed for it...to have that one great friend to have tea and talks, to nag when sleepy, to just be with.  It was lonely and somehow having less work can make such situations harder...you end up watching the clock after a while.

  So it's always good to be in the thick of things. To be given responsibility and new opportunities. It makes you want to grow and learn and when learning is fun and appreciated, you don't mind a bit of extra effort. It's also good to be part of all the celebrations that keep happening: festival celebrations, writing competitions, dress up days and lots more. At one point my mom felt I dressed for occassions as much as my 4 year old!

On the other hand, on the people front, no, I didn't get that single best friend here either.  In fact being in an all guys group reduced that possibility right at the onset. But I got the next best thing. I got to speak to a whole bunch of people on a variety of topics. In others places there were generally two versions of groups....either the news or the food/homefront gossip....both felt like misfits. Here when you don't have that one person, you talk a lot many, you hear a lot. And yes a great many of those discussions would involve bikes, beards and gyms but they can also be amusing. You get to meet readers, writers, artists. You get to discuss technology, philosophy, books, movies and family....just maybe all with different sets of people or maybe all in one.  You get freshly inspired. You meet parents, single people and those in transitions. You meet the females in unlikely places...or most likely places! And you know you fit in when there are  those who care enough to ask you when all is not great and also those to go and tell when something exciting happens. And you realise that noone is  too old for friendships though the degree and type changes. Many times there is no time to talk or even pause at all but those are also good days knowing that you got something good done. Or sometimes even knowing that you are not going to be swordpointed if you do get stuck/stressed/sick. Sometimes that's all you need. To be able to remain human. Maybe that's what they mean by live and let live.  And maybe that's what  sustains one in a particular place. Flying is great but it's a whole lot easier when you know that the ground is safe.

Dislongingness

Sometimes festivals and celebrations become too peopled. They are fun but can lead to a loss of equilibrium. Or maybe years of seclusion make it so. PhD changes a person such that you keep longing for it to be over but once it is, it also leads to withdrawl symptoms. You tend to miss the the quietness of lab. That one place that you can anytime go back to. That one work that is all yours for what seems like forever.  And though, it torments you in different ways throughout the years, when all goes wrong in the world, it is like a refuge where you can rush to. Of course being surrounded by natural beauty makes it even more inviting and more solitude inducing. 

This is about that state of 'dislongingness' (using the poetic license as no other word describes the feeling as well) that one experiences after years of solitude and aloneness. It comes out at odd times like an unruly toddler and you know not what to do about it.

Dislongingness

Where do you go when you want to run away?
When there is no longer any single refuge
When the heart feels a dislongingness
A disenchentment from the world in general
And longs for not quiet time but solitude
Away from peopled loneliness towards aloneness

Is there a way I wonder
To achieve equilibrium
A perpetual calmness

We all have our good and our bad moments
Our loud and our quiet moments
Our alone and our peopled moments
Our pensive and reflective moments

We smile through the good
Wince and move on through the bad
But then come the moments of loud silence
Moments of peopled loneliness
Which disturb our inner peace
The inner child wants to run away
But with you remains trapped within masks of social obligations and pleasantaries
The inner child seeks familiarity
But finds familiar strangers
Smiling outworldly, ignoring blindly the silent pleas

This time lets give that inner child a chance to be free
Lets run away with it and all inhibitions forgo
Lets follow it and see where it leads
We may find a once lost refuge from long ago

The Tragically Tiny Tales@Diwali

This is the second part of #TTT. These are some Tragically Tiny Tales of Diwali. The TTT was expecting some sweet tales of Diwali but what came out from here was a different perspective of the festival of lights....the light within a person....when it lights up and when it dies out. So here they are!

#TTT1: This Diwali also they couldn't travel. As they lit crackers and celebrated, far away the light from her eyes faded and her wait ended.

#TTT2: This Diwali she had no crackers. No sweets. Just two twinkling eyes which erased the pain of that Diwali that had wiped her world.

#TTT3: This Diwali she got a unique gift. Her eyes saw light for the first time as his once kind act paid out once the light died out from his.

Hats off to all #metoos

A wave of #metoos are there on social media. All women were in some way or the other sexually harassed or assaulted put the status as metoo signifying that "yes, it happened to me too" so that the world can wake up and see how many women get downtrodden everyday.

Such exemplary courage these women have to change their status to #metoo. Because this metoo doesn't signify  rape but any form of sexual assault or harrasement. This includes the supposedly minor things that get hidden under like lewd remarks, horrible stares, the bad touches and the physical discomfort in crowded transports which almost every woman faces. Most of them ignore these as minor ailments thinking that it's not big. Big being rape. But noone has the right to assault anyone at any level. Or make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. So back to these women. When they post #metoo, they open up and the world doesn't know how badly their dignity was battered, just that it was. Each will assume the worst and that itself is enough to pull one down a little. A person may only have been the victim to a bad touch in the bus but the world may think they were raped. And the world may forever treat them differently. And that is why I say they have courage.

Not everyone has that courage and that's ok too. "The victims don't owe anyone their story" as someone very rightly shared. 

Lots of men are sharing their status as #wetoo , #iapologise to signify that it hurts that so many people close to them have been suffering because of uncultured people of their gender. Well why am I writing this? What is my story? For now,  I am just an observer who wants to appreciate this movement. Does that make me a coward? Who says a woman can't be just an observer?

My third home

My third home
Where the heart smiles
Where we walked miles
Where flowers bloom 
And natures serenity was a constant companion even in my gloom

Where there is a spring in step to reach
Ten years with this place
Never has arriving here been without joy and a smile on my face
 
And now as new joyous homes abound
Its good to still have an old surround

P. S.: (My third home@IITD)

The Tragically Tiny Tales

I was recently recommended Terribly Tiny Tales which seems like an entirely new genre. An interesting one at that since one has to write very short stories. In some cases just as big as 160 characters. Well, I coudn't resist trying my hand at some of those, though it seems that most become "Tragically Tiny Tales", tragedies and twists being easier to portray in this format. Writing in this format seems like walking on a tightrope: it's very easy to slip and fall on the floor of ridiculousness or worse, ordinariness rather than walk along the line of genuineness. Thus would love to know which of these do manage to toe the line!

TTT1: All the people she longed to have tea and long conversations with, had time now and were having tea and long conversations, at her funeral.

TTT2: "Your place or mine", she asked. "Ours", he replied slipping the ring into her wrinkled finger.

TTT3: "She survived cancer!", he rejoiced, speeding up as he sailed overboard and couldn't survive the car crash.

TTT4: Theirs was a story of words. Yet they never talked.

TTT5: In her childhood, she longed to settle and they used to wander. In her youth, they did settle, while she got used to wandering.

TTT6: Ten years ago, we talked for the first time, enthralled in each others words till 4am. Ten years, a marriage and a kid later, we still do sometimes!

P.S: I had started this post much earlier with the title. In retrospect it seems less tragic at least in the literal sense of the word!

Long weekend: Part 3 ( What mask will you don today?)

As the long weekend draws to a close, there is that slight natural resistance to move from a relaxed carefree state to the daily rush. The weekend which seemed too long was good after-all. But it's a good life where Monday (or in this case Tuesday) and Friday both bring some amount of joy.

However, it is not so for all or maybe not for any all throughout the life. When the joy dies out of either workplace or home, people experience blues. Monday blues for some. While others have weekend blues. Some have social blues. Ever wonder why it is so? Because we all wear so many masks. We wear masks as defence against the world. Some of us might wear as many ten masks when in an unfamiliar environment.  As the environment and people become familiar, sometimes these masks may fall with time.  Sometimes they may even increase. It all depends on what we expect from the people around us. Every one of us has that fear of a jab at our self respect. Be it in an unfamiliar environment by  strangers or by acquaintances in terms of ridicule. Or harsh words by people which have the power by position, relation or closeness. At times it could in the form of doubt by people close to us. It could be in the form pity by people who witness that slight or vast downfall of our pride.  So we wear masks.

Masks which may say 

"I am not afraid"

"I am not alone"

"I didn't just mess up"

"I don't fear/mind getting yelled at"

"I am not ill or worried about my health"

"I am not tired"

Or even positive situation masks which may say...

"I am won't show I am too happy"

"I won't show my delight at that praise or compliment "

"I won't show that I feel lucky in my current situation"

And so on....

Some are professional masks and some are personal masks. At times a team may see certain professional masks getting created for outsiders and falling away within. Acquaintances become friends as they see masks falling away one by one. Sometimes people see through your masks and they fall apart. Sometimes you yourself let them fall away as your fear dies out for a particular person or group of people. However, at some basic level these masks stay. Some as temporary based on situations and some permanent ones. Some we acknowledge and some which don't admit even to ourselves.

When do they start getting created we wonder. Well I would say as the innocence of childhood and trust of childhood decreases. As children start getting judged and being put to task, their trust crashes. They start having that first fear of getting hurt. Maybe when a small child literally hides to eat that chocolate. Or that teenage who keeps that big secret for the first time. Maybe once they would have told but now they don't expect the understanding from the person in front of them. It could be parents, teachers or peers. Slowly we realise physically hiding is not possible. Maybe it happens after the first public scolding. You wear your first public mask then..."It doesn't hurt, I am not embarrassed" mask. Next time it maybe a peer who breaks your trust and you wear the "You are not close enough to hurt me, I don't care" mask. With time, they masks keep getting added to our faces and we start wearing them as a prevention. Sometimes it's a common "I am feeling great" mask to hide all stresses.

There are some places still where all these masks fall. All of us generally have one or maybe a few people who have seen all our masks fall.  It may be the partner, the best friend or parent. They are those who see  all masks falling apart, who see the worst in us. Maybe snot-crying, maybe the temper, maybe the lost state or maybe some other. But they witness that, gather the pieces and judge us none-the-worse.  They become our lifetimes. Our homes. Homes are where the heart is at peace.  A place away from all masks.  Until next time when we move out of that comfort zone. So, ever wonder, how many masks are you wearing?

Long weekend: Part 2 (The Half-dead Tree)

A few days ago I came across an interesting sight. While walking across a now familiar lane (isn't it strange, the transition between an unfamiliar lane becoming familiar .....more than time I think it's comfort that makes some place familiar, but I digress...), I came across a half-dead tree. Half of its leaves were bright green while the rest were wrinkled and dead.  Right next to it was a younger plant in its flowering stage. To me it was as if a standing poetry was greeting me but I couldn't find words for it. It seemed to evoke so many strong symbolism as if endless. As if there was a lesson which Mother Nature was trying to teach naive old me but I couldn't grasp it.

I still don't know what it was exactly but here are some interpretations which it seemed to evoke.

Stages of life: Shakespeare might have given Seven Stages but this scene showed the four very basic stages of life: childhood, youth, middle age and old-age. It showed so vividly how each stage affects us and how close each stage is to the next. How each needs the next to co-exist.

Familiar environment, different outcomes: People of same roots, same  environments can sometimes turn out so differently like branches of this tree. Why so? Maybe even  with the same roots, their environment varies or maybe it's just individuality. People take different paths as they grow and with their decisions, some prosper and some wrinkle out.

The half-dead parts within each of us: I think this impacted me the most as I gazed at that tree.  Some words came the next day, jumbled  and hurried as they were, they demand to be written as they were....(sometimes I feel words control writers more than vice versa!)

The half dead tree

The half dead tree
A tree which is half dead and half alive
What does it need to thrive?
Water, care and a little sunlight...
Why then did the Sun shine on only half of its hide?

Reminds me of our halflight
The hidden, frozen, sometimes swished, half dead parts within us
The parts which are by the world trodden
And then by us forever buried and hidden
Together they weigh like lead
Bringing us with them down
Like dry leaves, some may fall with time
while others remain..
Tarnishing us, our outward perfect bright lives

The half dead tree
Causes the heart pain mingled with longing, regret and doubt
Really what is life all about?
Why the deadness in live things
When life itself is so short
And with moments of danger so fraught?

The dead leaves here are a painful sight
A longing to make it all right
A reminder to follow the path of light
Why do we gave way to might over what is right?

Why is it that the display is always bright
While the backend murky and dark
why make life seem to be just a lark
when in depth we find our spark

Bring it out in the open the half-dead parts say
Don't wait for the leaves to die
Let the sun shine today
Before it's too late
Don't wait for that one fine moment, that right date
Life won't keep giving chances
We can't not do our deed
And then 'tis all  fate!

Save the half dead tree
Save the half dead you and me

Long weekend : Part 1 (Follow your bliss)

A long weekend generally means lots of activities and hustle bustle and before you know it you are at the end of Sunday night and back to the daily rush. It's good, it's fun but sometimes quiet weekends are also nice. When nothing big happens but you just relax and peel away life pleasures at your leisure. Sometimes we are wise enough to keep time for them while sometimes these are enforced upon us. God gives us various signs to slow down. Sometimes it's as simple as a common cold which puts you in bed and prevents you from making elaborate plans. Irritating though it might be, sometimes sickdays are just what we need to slow our pace and have a little quiet time. Well having one such quiet weekend at hand, I plan to complete a series of half-filled or even half-thought posts. Lets see.

Part 1
Follow your bliss...

This is the first such one. It started as a simple thought and a response to it. Sometimes it triggers a more elaborate thought process where you realise upon reflection there is much more you want to say or express.  For yourself. To free your thoughts. Some thoughts, though very simple, just want to be written. Well here's where all such all such half thoughts end up....as posts to be kept forever.

Follow your bliss whereever it leads you, it seems simple enough. Or do we follow life's practicalities? The practicalities would say there's "our daily bread" to earn,  there are responsibilities. Yet who says that we can't do both?

It's possible to follow bliss at some level everyday. It could be for a few minutes which leads to a lifetime practise. It means saying yes to your heart, to your instinct. It starts with simple stuff that makes one happy like chasing butterflies and watching clouds. Smiling at people without a worry. Not analysing or hesitating before you say something good to anyone. Goodness does no harm. Writing blogs, reading that childhood book again. Feeding your soul with at least one worthy conversation everyday. Maybe even eating that dessert. Buying something ridiculous which catches your fancy. Or bigger stuff like going for that much awaited trip. Taking up the job that makes you happy. Giving more time to that much  awaited, half-forgotten hobby. Learning something new regularly.  Sometimes taking an off day just to pause, reflect and recharge. Slowing down at times in between the daily rush. Removing negative people from your lives. Surrounding yourself by positive ones.
Following your instinct. Following your bliss. Following all that makes your heart smile.

One done, lets see how many others get coverted to posts!

Trees

Trees swaying their greens
telling you what life means
leaves come and go
but trees stay, they belong to long ago
winds can blow leaves right out
but the stronger ones stick out
leaves with their changing hues
driving away all blues
still they eventually fall and say bye
but sturdy branches don't die
this is story of the tree
but it could well be of you or me
do we with our roots stay
or with wind do we sway away?
………………………………………

Wordless days

Wordless days, hungry days
Sleepless nights and sleepy days
All end in an equal haze....
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Wordless days,
Sightless gaze
Smileless face,
It's all a needless chase...

Food for soul: Books n music

Novels, the storybook land of wonder leave a part of themselves within us.
But in music we leave a part of ourselves
Ultimately going back to those phases whenever we read or hear that piece.
Or get transformed by mood, thought or action at first go.
Such is the magic of creativity
At times to me it surpasses even beauty

Some things never change...

Sometimes the internet with it's strong memory can teach you about yourself. I recently realised this through Facebook and this very blog. Facebook has a feature called "On this day" which shows what we posted on that day some years ago. I saw a post from three years ago in which I had photos of clouds for two successive days. What is strange is that that's exactly what I have been doing recently!
Coincidence? Well here's more. Recently I was browsing over my old posts, specifically poems. And they still seem as relevant to me....even those which were over ten years ago! The words may seem crude but the words still make sense to me. And I think that's unusual even for writers. Or maybe it's just hard to acknowledge.  Or have I not grown at all? Or is it that some basics remain constant despite the ever-changing world? Like outer coverings to the inner soul.  Maybe  we remain the same, our individuality ageless while seasons and years change and with it what changes is only our response and mannerisms.

What do you think? Would love to have some thoughts here.

Kuch pal

Zindagi mein mukaam to kai hote hai,
Kuch manzilen, kuch raaste banke reh jaate hain,
Kabhi thehro to dekho,
Kuch pal apne nishan chod jaate hain...

Why being a scientist can broaden your views

As a researcher, one learns to value data and not go by face value. A small dataset may give great results. However, it may not be easy to reproduce those results on slightly larger dataset, say 1.5 times the size. And if the dataset is huge, maybe 100 times the original one, why, the original results would be quite pointless. How then can we generalise characteristics of people based on religion, region, caste or gender? In our limited lives, a human would only come across a limited set of people, a very small subset of the populace. And even within that, there would be contraints. In data, especially image processing and vision dataset, a solution is expected to work for specific costraints. Yet in real life, we expect an entire community to behaive similarly. We judge individuals based on our experience  with other individuals of similar community be it region, religion, caste or some other social category.

In research, if a solution works for lab conditions, it may not work at a real field. If it works in a field in India, it may not work at Austria. It is not expected to. A daytime solution is not expected to work at nighttime. Yet when it comes to individuals, we generalise. We forget the contraints that people live under. What is easy for one individual may be a struggle for another. What is a negative in one may work as a positive for another living in different conditions.

The poor one shouldn't be the assumed thief. A given community may be not full of misers. A given religion may not be all about violence. Women need not be the weaker sex. The man need not always be a hero or a villain. The illiterate need not be less intelligent. The hungry beggar isn't a nuisance.  The quite one need not always be proud. The jolly one can also sometimes be serious. And finally, the small children are not as unknowing as they may seem.

There is no common man. There are only special individuals, each uniquely created with a very precious life of their own. Each has an entire, little world of their own. Humans are not data points to draw patterns and make conclusions.

A New India

Recently our office held a poetry writing session /competition for Independence Day....well in addition to dressing up in tricolor! Finally a workplace which encourages writing, even creative writing! Well, what a great way to celebrate Independence Day! All were encouraged to write and a selected few were asked to read out their creations. What a great session! And what a wonderful way to make you think about your country.
Here's my entry as selected to be read for the same. Just some thoughts woven together to rhyme but mostly just a raw form. But it felt good to reflect and polish the writing cells a bit.

A new India

A new India has emerged recently in our society
Full of technology and all things IT
The largest number of social media users has it drawn
With malls, MNCs, supermarkets, daycares and metros is it adorned
A greener India, a cleaner India
A happier India it seems to be
But a freer India do my eyes still seek

Where the old and gold remains the same
Taking along values of our forefathers
Of strong family systems
Respecting elders,
We march towards a peaceful India with yoga, prayers and meditation
Practising unity in diversity
We strive for equal rights for all without any deviation

Towards a healthier and happier India we strive
Where technology reaches the poor India
Distance learning at villages becomes a reality
A digital India with vegetable vendors having paytm and bank accounts
A decrease in corruption as pressure for transparency mounts
And a decrease in social tabboos at all counts

A free India
Where all biases obliviate
And everyone can just be
Women can walk, wear, work in a manner completely free
Where religion is practised in private
And nationalism in public
Where students study in colleges
And educated adults go to politics

And seniors citizens retire and can relax and smile
While the youngsters for social wellfare go that extra mile
Where there’s always someone to wipe the tears of a hungry child
To aid the helpless and needy gain employment and prosperity
So the entire populace has a basic dignity
And all join hands in whenever there's a calamity

This is it

This is it
This is real life not high school
No awkwardness required
Noone's waiting to call you a fool

You can be free
You can be "me"
You can smile n shine
You can call someone "fiiine"
It's not a landmine
It's real life
Be it yours or mine

Midyear Reading list

It's nice to record the reading list of the year. It gives insight to the overall mood of the year. And it's nice to know the new books read over tge year. Each year comprises some new books and old books, some new adventures and comfort from some old ones. So here it is , the list from the first half:

1. Enid Blyton: Malory Towers and St. Claires ( junior series) ....new books in your favourite, well they just can't be missed. And yes, I still love Enid Blyton books! They take you right back to childood. Of course now I have the added advantage of sharing them with my kid!

2. Robin Cook: Chromosome
3. Robin Cook: Crisis
4. Robin Cook: Marker
5. Robin Cook: Coma
( all rereads except Crisis. Nice and thrilling and good use of medical terminology. Makes you think where technology will take us.

6. Lindsey Kelk: What a girl wants...Don't recall but couldn't have been bad

7. Danielle Steel: The Apartment...a great feel-good book. Danielle Steele never fails to inspire.

8. Mitch Album: The Time Keeper ....eead another Mitch Album after a long time but it has all the magic to captivate you and a strong message

9. J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter: The cursed child....not upto the mark...would have been good as a book maybe but screenplay missed out too much of what this reader wanted to know. Or maybe we can just not get enough of Harry Potter.

10. Chetan Bhagat: One Indian Girl...tolerable...worth one read. Chetan Bhagat wrote two great books and then there were others....

11. Zoe Sugg: Girl Online ( part 1)....loved it....perfect for travelling...light, fun and humorous ..reading teenage books makes one feel light, fresh and young

12. Sophie Kinsella: Shopaholic to the rescue....long wait for this one....it was OK....could have been better

13. Agatha Christie: Miss marples final cases: Good like all Agatha Christies

14. Sabrina the teenage witch: it's a miserable life....reads like a comic

15. James Dashner: Infinity Ring: A mutiny in time....very absorbing after the first few pages....waiting to complete the series....the bad part: they leave ypu hanging for more!

16.M&B: Medical Romance: A family Christmas....can't remember so couldn't have been great or very bad

17. Lauren Weisberger: Devil wears Prada: Not as great as hyped....I have read better books woth similar theme. The author makes a light theme dark for no reason.

18. Danielle Steel: Wings....reread but again worth it

19. Agatha Christie: Death on the Nile: Good.

20. Carolyn Keene: Nancy Drew: sisters in crime...new book...was fun!

21. Carolyn Keene: Nancy Drew: Smile n Say murder ( and the next 2 after it)....good timepass

22. Ann Martin: Babysitters Club: seaside, seacity, Abby's Twin....perfect summer break fun!

23. Anne Digby: Summer term at Trebizon ...cotinuation of summer break

24. Cecilia Ahern: Perfect...a good concept but I like tge first part "Flawed" more. This was mostly running and struggle instead of that concept.

25. Lindsey Kelk:  I heart Paris:
26. Lindsey Kelk: I heart London:...This is a great new series. Light, fun yet with its own charm and  works well for travellers also. I read first one "I heart Vegas" when I was in Vegas and absolutely loved. It captured the essence of the city completely. The same with London, I understood the city better and wana go there.  The Paris one could have better in terms of description of Paris.

27. Melussa Nathan... The waitress: ....not bad but won't be reading more books of same author.  The book drag on too long with little to give.

28. The Martian:....there are some books after which it is tough to find another book to read because onlly rare ones match its level. This was one of those.

29. Roald Dahl: The Magic Finger....makes me want to read Roald Dalh again....can't wait to read it to my child!

30 Enid Blyton: Wishing Chair and the Faraway Tree...ohhh its fun to be in the world of fairies, pixies,  gnomes, treats and all that is magic!

Old is gold

A new friendship is like new book which one is eager and curious about. This is true even for mediocre ones. The new experience is still fun in the first reading. However the real gems are the time tested ones. The ones we go back to and want to read again and again and on each reading we feel comforted and gain a new understanding.

Interesting places visited in Mumbai

As promised here's the list of places visited in Mumbai. I didn't even get a complete year so it's less than 50 but then there are some others to see later someday:

1.Atriya Mall...Barbeque Nation...the best eventhough the mall is not worthy.
2. Phoenix Mall.. lower parel....
3. Marine Drive...the best way to explore is a walk from choupatty through the entire marine drive
4. Choupatty
5. Dadar beach
6. Dadar market....you will get everything there!
7.Cinemax Goregaon
8. Oberoi Mall goregaon
9. Shivaji Park
10. Viviana Mall, Thane
11. Mannat
12. Hanging Gardens
13. IIT Bombay....perfect like all IITs
14. Bandra beach
15. Mahim area...there is a unique charm in living across the railway track....large coconut trees all around and the train going along its way parallely...a great place for walks
16. Our Lady of Salvation Church/ Portuguese Church...Dadar
17. Matheran...ok not part of Mumbai but is a very charming place
18. Worli sea-link....a great structure...very beautiful and enthralling....visible from many places
19. 5 gardens....a good childrens park....there several clustered together
20. Siddhivinayak Temple
21. Bandra Marathon....a walk from Bandra Fort across Bandstand through to Linking Road
22. Shopping at Linking Road....a must!
23. Phoenix Mall kurla...Snow world...a lot like some of Delhi's bigger malls.
24. Bandra Barbeque Nation
25. Got to Work near bandstand....had the entire view of sea for many days. I had SRK as my neighbour (even if for workplace!)
26.  Ferry Ride from Gateway of India....saw the bluemoon :)
27. Gateway of India
28. Carter road....famous for Sachin's bat and house to many film stars
29. Elephanta caves...a little disappointing but the Ferry ride is worth it
30. Sewri jetty
31. Alibaug....the most common beach getaway for Mumvaikars.
32.Drive through Aarey area....the hills of Mumbai. Such a marvellous city to have both sea and mountains.
33. Juhu beach
34. Khar area...worth attending some fete or social event there
35. Naturals ice cream....ok so not a place but no Mumbai visit is complete without this....out of the world ice cream....you will forget all others  like Gelato when you try Gajjar halwa ice cream!

Some other places worth visiting

Mount mary church
Flora fountain
Prince of wales museum
Marve beach
Bandra worli sea link at night
Jain Temple
Iskon Temple
Walk of stars
Taraporewala museum
Film city Goregaon
Sahara hotel
Rajesh Khanna park
Joggers park bandra

When did 2017 fly by?

It's been a long time. Again. This time I didn't even realise it. It was when I opened the link for a share that I realised that 2017 has seen no blog so far. And here I had plans to keep have incremental posts each year again. I had plans to write more this year. Today I mentioned that I blogged only to realise I hadn't for over 8 months. But that's what's special about this space. I can come back as and when there is a possibility OR an overriding desire.

It's been a year of changes. Strife followed by peace. I came back to Delhi. So now it's time for the "Top 50 places of Mumbai" as promised. Also a time for comparison between the two places, my way.  Well I may be biased...and not towards Delhi maybe. That Mumbai time was like a slice of heaven. A life away from so much, a lot of struggle, but was such fun, such absolute freedom. It was like playing house! Only with a real child! We learnt a lot. We played a lot.  We created our first "home". And for the first time, I had no desire to go out. Just being home on hols was also great fun. I lived for weekends and evenings and that was despite liking my work! I found my peace. There was joy, laughter, dancing, play and peace. And then I came back. And found my calling. Or at least what seems like the perfect job for me. Where all pieces just fit together in so many ways. It's a  rare combination I know.  Instead of a wait, it's seems like an arrival. A happy place. Rest time will tell.