Sunday, February 21, 2010

The rollercoaster continues.....

Again it's been long since I wrote. Well for once there was nothing to write. I am still stuck in the PhD Rolllercoaster. Technically, I took the infinite ride so stuck may not be the right word.To be exact, it seemed as if I am in the down phase of it. But luckily that changes every few days. I make lists of things to do and get frustrated when some of them never get done. But then not everything is within my control even if it is priority to me. I try different things but none work for long. It gets discouraging, then there is a glimmer of hope, my heart soars with it to fall again and the cycle repeats. It's exciting, but it gets a little frustrating to say the least.

What really helped was a conversation I had with a friend. I experienced this saying:

"A friend is someone who sings your heart's song
back to you when you have forgotten the words."
~ David Coppola

.......and it felt great. It helped me realize what was missing. Made me realize that I needed to feed my soul at regular intervals. It's ok to do that. It's necessary to do that.

But the "me time" works only when you are stress free. And that couldn't happen till I had got "proper" work done and not just "everyday" work. Don't ask me the difference!

To sum it up, I took time off to get some work done and suddenly felt whole and relaxed again, at least for a few moments...

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Facts of life-Kabir

Kabir gave pearls of wisdom ages ago but they are still so valid...

Chalti Chakki Dekh Kar, Diya Kabira Roye
Dui Paatan Ke Beech Mein,Sabut Bacha Na Koye

Translation :
Looking at the grinding stones, Kabir laments
In the duel of wheels, nothing stays intact.

Pothi Padh Padh Kar Jag Mua, Pandit Bhayo Na Koye
Dhai Aakhar Prem Ke, Jo Padhe so Pandit Hoye

Translation :Reading books everyone died, none became any wise
One who reads the word of Love, only becomes wise

Bada Hua To Kya Hua, Jaise Ped Khajoor
Panthi Ko Chaya Nahin, Phal Laage Atidoor

Translation :In vain is the eminence, just like a date tree
No shade for travelers, fruit is hard to reach

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

PhD -The Rollercoaster Begins

This is going to be a tough. PhD does try its best to turn you into a geek. It's almost like a physical transformation and each day, I see it in amazement and then I revolt!

Let me give an instance. It's been a little over two weeks since I got back from a 10 days intensive workshop. And today I felt frustrated because I haven't done any concrete research till now! It's not as if haven't been working but at the same time it's not as if I have either! There's a lot " extra work" which doesn't really fall under any concrete category. What's weird is how I secretly felt glad and proud to have been given it so I could have a chance to "learn" instead of resenting the take over of my free time.

It's been the other way round. I resent free time in a way. I go out to enjoy and I come back and feel guilty and upset that I didn't give that time to work when there's so much I "want" to do. One (or rather any geek) would wonder why I go out then at all. Because I want to. I want to remain NORMAL and remain ME.

And what I see around me people enjoying their lives. And I realize that I can't just wait because by the time I am out of here , I will be ancient. Already I feel old. Recently I saw a typical MBA group working. In the field where they went so that they could "make noise" and discuss. And that was their assignment. Sometimes that is it. With no exams!!!

And here I snap if anyone gets me a little late. I seem to make life hell for close ones. This is now. What happens later? I see married people giving "home" priority over work. And sometimes I just can' imagine myself doing that. Study is not just work. It's a form of meditation. It's sometimes even sacred. And it takes over life.It's like being married to work. And I feel guilty for what this would do to someone close. Is the only alternative to remain alone? I don't want that.

For a few moments I wondered why I am doing all this. Then I realized..I enjoy it. Hell! Heaven! It's all here. It's my life. It's the only place I belong. I could never exchange it for any amount of "fun" or any high paying job.

But yes, I do also want to enjoy, love and relax. And I WILL.
So.................................. minors and deadlines get nearer...............I blog! And look for time management techniques! Maybe the best one is not to think at ALL.