Here, there is no such hope. One can't ever get out of the situation. It is more like a chronic disease or a disability. It never goes away, one has to learn to live with it. One has to rewire oneself, restructure life and then just wait to get used to the pain, the change till it is part of every day life. One can never overcome. One can just learn to bear it. And live with it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2021
Grieving: a restructuring of life
Grieving is a different process for all of us. Recently I realized that it's very different from the regular tough times. In those times, one tries to overcome or wait out a time after which things become ok or at least that is the hope.
Monday, June 21, 2021
Papa ke nuskhe
This is my first father's day without my father in this world. Parents teach us everything right as we enter this world so. How to say the first word, how to take the first step and then the in betweens and the 'thereafters'. Here I list out just some of those vital lessons my dad imparted to me. Please excuse the random order (due to randomness of state of mind ). They are varied enough but in no ways complete. Just a small snapshot which I wanted to record and keep.
1. Eat healthy
2. Eat fruits
3. Drink hot water, green, tea
4. Eat healthy veggies. All colors.
5. Practise homeopathy wherever possible.
6. Chicken curry/soup cures all ailments/weaknesses.
7. Walk. Don't neglect Yoga/exercise/meditation
8. Always follow rules
9. Be extra careful
10. Be patient. No needless arguments.
11. Studying is the key to success.
12. Enjoy the finer things of life
13. Dressing style matters. Dress with dignity.
14. Travelling is good.
15. Family is foremost.
16. He perfected balancing family and work life.
17. Care and know more about those around you : be it workers, friends or colleagues.
18. Help those in need.
19. It doesn't hurt to tip.
20. Be careful what you post on social media.
21. Music: I grew up listening to him sing. Always. Even when recovering,he kept music close to him.
22. Don't forget to lighten up things
23. There's always room for tea with family.
24. Speak with confidence.
25. Work with sincerity but don't hesitate to show your work or speak up for yourself.
26. He always stood out. I don't know how.
27. It's actually possible to have 20-50 absolutely close friends.
28. No controversy ever anywhere.
29. Be considerate of all others, even neighbours.
30 Know the names of your help.
31. Stay updated on news. He was my news channel.
32. Cleanliness.
33. Declutter
34. Use the good cutlery now. Don't wait for a special occasion. Today is that occasion.
35. However, special occasions are worth the celebrations
36. Keep contacts handy and think all possibilities of things which can go wrong also so that you can have the safety net ready. The embassy everywhere was an extended family.
37. Keep learning and trying new things. New technology.
38. Friends are gems in oldage.
39. Destress.
40. Adequate sleep.
41. Choose the right for the kid at every age.
42. Keep in touch with not just their teachers but also the Head.
43. There's no such thing as too many toys for kids
44. Extra patience with mummy.
45. Create memories.
46. Keep in shape.
47. Eat yogurt, eat salad.
48. Birthday cards and gifts, chocolates, cakes are not overrated.
49. Don't make noise at night. People sleep. This one is tough with a kid!
50. You alone are enough, sufficient to be responsible.
51. Go out and take ownership.
52. Be alert.
53. The peace and calmness of mountains.
54. The touch of sand on the beach.
55. Feeding birds and squirrels in sunlight, in a park, in the middle of the week. Because thats what ypur family needs. This is a memory closest to my heart, of my childhood.
56. Childhood never ends if you have parents.
57. Let go of the worrisome stuff.
58. Footwear matters.
59. Words matter. Check and recheck.
60. The confidence of public speaking: believe that you are the only expert on required subject matter.
61. There's always time for family.
62. Keep kitchen clean. Always.
63. Celebrate all festivals fully.
64. Maintain your decorum in all situations.
65. Quality and brand matters. Be old school in those.
66. Have flax seeds, walnuts.
67. The importance of cross ventilation.
68. Less maggi.
69. He gave me my strength by his sure, strong and constant backing.
70. That I am so very loved.
71. Use a little oil at the end of kneading to avoid jagged edges on rotis.
72 Finally, that I will be ok. Because he was finally. Eventhough he was as shocked and devasted when my grandfather passed away.
Wednesday, June 16, 2021
Famous books in which key characters lost their parent/parents
Famous books in which key characters lost their parent/parents
1.The little princess
2. The secret garden
3. Heidi
4. Harry Potter
5. The railway children
6. Nancy Drew
7. Rebecca of Sunnybrook
8. Pippa
9. Emily of new moon
10. Anne of green gables. Paul, Davy, Dora also, in the same series.
Yes, these were all children. But then we are all children for our parents.
Sunday, June 13, 2021
Dos and don'ts when talking to a grieving person/family
Recently it has been of great comfort to talk to/message close ones. It is in these hard times that one either closes down completely or leaks words. For me it is the latter. The silence is still too scary.
I also noticed how uncomfortable it is for people to talk in such tough, grieving times. And I remember how it used to similar for me earlier. I used to wonder what to say to people when there are no words which can help. Well, being at the other end, I decided to form a list of pointers which may help those trying to make that phone call:
2. Don't make them relive that moment to satisfy your curiousity unless they seem to want to. It's ok to ask what happened but don't probe. They will have to repeat this over and over again and keep reliving those moments again and again.
3. Don't dwell into the why's of what happened. It's extremely painful. And it won't help anyone.
4. Especially don't dwell into what you feel could have been done. The grieving family would have done and probed every inch of possibility and its beyond aggravating to have to explain that to any third person.
5. Do call back if they are not able to answer your phone. They are not ignoring you, just sad or busy in rituals or in another zone.
6. Remember any small help you can do is manifolds at that time. It could be simply the act of calling regularly while they stabilize or some small practical help.
7. Do share any good memory you have of the person. It provides a lot of comfort to relive memories together.
8. Don't freak out if they start crying. It is natural, they can't help it.
9. Don't try small talk. It's too early to hear about the world going by normally.
10. Instead try any words that give strength. Maybe remind them of any tough time you or they overcame. It tends to give a little hope.
11. Finally, don't worry if you don't have words. It's ok. There are no right words. Just being there and being kind is enough. Grief is a very lonely place. It helps to have a hand or some hands to hold onto, someone to talk to.
Saturday, June 12, 2021
My father: the complete man
It is with profound grief that I announce that on 1st June, my father, Mr. Rajesh Kapoor passed on to his heavenly abode Here I am penning down some thoughts about him.
In my childhood, I saw him being the perfect son. Every single weekend, we would visit my grandparents. He would be there for them for all occasions good and bad.
I saw him being a wonderful brother and husband as I grew up.
And we come to me.
I, being the only child was extra special to him. He took me for all exams, interviews. Every single one, even MTech, PhD and interviews! And he would wait there. He encouraged me to study, to work. He motivated me. He was my guide, adviser, doctor, teacher, friend, role model and so much more.
He had so many close friends: close, so very close. He knew exactly what each his kids did and where they wete settled and then the little anecdotes which he would regale. He would give advise to all regarding health, career and education.
He was a retired IFS officer who was very dedicated to his work and an exceptional orator and leader. He travelled the world and touched the hearts of people everwhere. He was there to set up the first embassy in South Africa when apartheid ended. He took us all over the world: Canada, Bangladesh, South Africa, Mauritius, USA and in between. He has friends everywhere.
He was loved amongst friends, colleagues, neighbours. He knew all guards, workers and their families. He would switch off the RO at night so that the old neighbours would not get disturbed!
He of course was never old. He learnt the latest video games from my son and played. 2 years ago trecked to Lal Tibba in Mussourie with us.
He loved our child, his granchild and took care of him. He would bring from school, wait while he played and then take for all kinds of juices: coconut water, sugarcane juice and others. He helped him cycle and raced with him.
He somehow always made time for all: family and friends and never once was busy for me. He was a giver, adviser and doer. He loved music, homeopathy and astrology.
He was stylish and loved all good things of life. He was fun, funny and full of energy.
On his last day, he talked to so many friends, happily mentioning that he would walk soon and meet them.
He is missed so very much.
No right age to lose a parent
Is there a right age to losing a parent/parents? We all know that the death of all who are alive is inevitable. Yet, it shocks and grieves us. The level of shock depends on the suddenness and nature of passing away. The grief depends on the closeness.
It leaves us isolated and desolate and inconsolable. Is there a right age? It's not childhood when we don't even know love or the world. We need them to show us what love means, what life means. It's not youth, when we need maximum guidance and direction. It's not the stage when finally things somewhat settle down and we begin to become almost like friends to them as we get along and understand them so much better. It's not middle age, when we have had them and depended on them all of our huge life. And it's not old age when the shock and grief is so much harder to bear than our aged body and mind can handle.
There is no right age to lose a parent. Yet it happens. And it breaks the heart as nothing else can till then. It dims life's joys and the ability to look forward.
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