Poetry

Poetry is meant to be felt, she thought, not to be analysed.
To be read from the heart, not broken down into words.
To be expressed, not explained...
To hide as much as it is to reveal
To be touched gently
Like doves flying by...

Choices

I am back as promised ...to write more .....
Here's a random thought...isn't irritating when people say "Oh, I could have done that".  It could be any small or big thing. The answer should be "Well, too bad you didn't loser. So keep quiet."

There's a conversation between Harry and Dumbledore in "The chamber of secrets" in which Harry wonders if he should have been in Slytherin after all.
"Then why aren't you in it ?"  asks Dumbledore
"Because I asked the sorting hat not to put me there"
"Exactly! You chose it. It is our choices which make our destinies rather than our abilities. " replied Dumbledore.

We all choose where to invest our time, energy and patience. Having the ability isn't enough. It's like this in PhD also. Probably many people may the ability to do research work but they may not have the patience, persistance and passion that requires you to continue solving the same problem for years. And even within PhDs, every thesis and its story is unique. Yes, each degree has a story. A story of sacrifices, passion, smiles, tears and turmoil. Success and failure and then the in between phases.  At the end it may feel "easy" like something that should have dawned us a lot earlier but it's not just about the results, it's about the process and the story associated with it. Just like life. It's all about journey.

Things to do before 30 and the journey so far

I just realized how gradually blogging has been fading from my  life. Only one post in the last year. So many things left unsaid. So many posts incomplete. So many thoughts faded out without getting converted to words. And so many words in diaries instead of blogs.Well to make sure that this year is no worse if not better, I mean to complete this post.

Recently I have been looking at lists of things to do before turning 30. A little late I realize. I am turning 30 in 4 days. So that doesn't leave a great deal of options to do something very wild and/or elaborate. Daily life doesn't permit a great deal of spare time. But as I started making lists now and a couple of months earlier, I realized I had already done a lot of I wanted to albeit without lists. So here's a list of what I did do (and probably would have added in my list in my 20s) ...........

1. Find the love of my life...suddenly the joy of life increases manifolds...you dream more , want more and live more fully ...
2. Get married....and to have that for the rest of the life...life with your best friend.......(at least when you are not bickering ..lol)
3. Have a kid of my own....a child completes your life in a way that none can. It's whole new life. And the entire process ...pregnancy and giving birth to your child....feeding him...holding him...well it's a whole new list which keeps growing ...
4. Experience pregnancy to the fullest...I not only had food cravings but also color cravings!
5. Experience childbirth...was fortunate enough
6. Learn how a kid grows up
7. Learn how a kid learns to communicate...one of the biggest curiosities for me
8. Read lots in all categories.....collect them all....have an over-brimming collection
9. Go into research...ok so I don't have a job yet but I am pursuing the work of my dreams in PhD
10. Get into some top university...specifically IIT...more specifically IIT Delhi...done :)
11. Get placed in good companies...ok so I didn't join but I did get placed.
12. Own a car
13. Travel alone...I did at least in India...more than 5 times
14. Travel with a friend...Hubli...
15. Travel with your sweetheart...
16. Travel with your little family (kid+sweetheart)
17. Airtravel...I love airports and planes...I even enjoyed waiting at the airport the one time my flight severely delayed
18. Stay with a friend....ok so it was only a couple of days each time but it still counts
19. Hang out in a big group till the death of night..yeah..beach@Chennai...
20. Get some kind of award...did get a few
21. Spoke on the radio
22. Lucky draws...have been lucky that way :P
23. Write a book...(*well near completion actually)
24. Loads and loads of college fun...friends, groups and dating:)
25. Finding a good, sincere set of friends to share, care, laugh and cry
26. Shopping with friends
27. Planning your own wedding 
28. Being an important person in your best friends wedding :)
29. Visit the beach again
30. Swim again...or at least try
31. Run a marathon
32. Do some literature course...did one online in Coursera...was enriching, fun and satisfying...I actually worked on it!
33. Thanking the important people of your life...do try...started with that phone call to an old fav teacher....
34. Wear a white dress and veil :)
35. Wear other dresses....all kinds
36. Give a lecture in a seminar
37. Try some adventure sports...snorkelling, it became cliff diving when I fell off a cliff!
38. Have THE PERFECT honeymoon
39. A relaxing babymoon
40. Eat lots of exotic stuff
41. Learn to cook a  bit
42. Lead somewhere...college magazine as well as Newsletter at IIT
43. Be the " go-to" person for help, for discussions for your friends
44. Go to the stadium to watch a cricket match and shout your hearts out...I also got my face painted ;)
45. Lots of known dates after some kind of engagement 
46. Lots of secrets ones before it ...there were some VERY close calls!
47. Be creative...hmmm...gifts to loved ones, nailart, painting my mobile case, knitting baby stuff  and lots and lots more
48. Internet chats....
49. Different looks, haircuts...
50. Have some one who will want to read you diary and whom you will be willing to show the same
51. Take a road trip with loved one
52. Visit the Taj Mahal
53. Visit some foreign country with loved one
54. Visit the zoo with your child
55. Give some of your loved toys to your child...my baby on my childhood truck...
56. Skate again....did so once and was ok at it...
57. Play carrom again...some wishes are that small...
58. Have someone to play scrabble with
59. Midnight birthday celebrations
60. Throw a surprise party
61. Read to your child
62. Sings rhymes with your child
63. Watch lots of animation movies
64. Watch the popular TV sitcoms...Friends, House, Masterchef, HIMYM, Boy Meets World...a few that I loved...
65. Watch a few popular Indian ones...Tarak Mehta ka Olta Chasma...a great one ...so different form usual Indian serials though even some of those were pretty good...like Jassi, BALH...
66. Lose weight...did so many times ! However I did start some healthy habits finally.
67. The perfect Mehendi party...
68. Wear a Sari on your own
69. Experience the perfect marriage moment...
70. Sweetheart on knees to propose
71. Stay actively part of parents life after marriage also
72. See your parents dote their grandchild as the baby grows
73. Bike riding....it's fun from the back seat also :)
74. Dance with the love of your life
75. Dance with your child....(also the love of your life...)
76. Create sandcastles again....did it all...sand castles, sand mermaid, doodle of names with hearts, collecting shells...

Travel Diary would include (20 year onwards)

India : Mussourie, Bangalore, Hubli, Mumbai, Chennai, Jodhpur, Jaipur, Lucknow, Alwar,kosi

Thailand: Phi phi Islands, Krabi, Phukhet

From Childhood:

Canada

South Africa: Durban, Johannesburg,  Cape Town

Mauritius 

Here are some which I would probably add for later on...

• PhD degree
• Job
• Visit Italy
• Disneyland
• Listen to/read news
• Complete that book
• Publish it
• Read some religious books
• More swimming
• More beaches
• Make enough space for your entire novel collection
• Exotic teas...try
• Keep trying different looks...its fun
• English tea...proper...at England..? At other places. 
• Keep increasing your travel diary....create one....
• Also add Goa, Andaman, Pondcherry, Northeast for India
• Keep dreaming................

It's been a while

Ok so it's probably been more than a while. An entire year without blogging and then some more. So much has changed since I last wrote, the night before my wedding. Marriage. A child. A whole new world. The outer world, the situations have changed beyond recognition but the essence is still the same and I am glad for that. One gets less time but it doesn't change who we are and it doesn't (shouldn't) change what we need to do, not just for a living but also for a life. There can be add-ons and there can be reductions but some things constitute the basics for a "happy me". Writing is one of them.  To know what they are for you,  just think of what keeps coming back to you. Things that make you feel alive instantaneously. What do you desire to do when you think ahead of the that "someday" when you will be free. Those somedays never come if we wait for them. We have to call them. Oneof those "somedays" has to be today. Make it that guilt-freely. Even if it is only a few minutes. Even it is only for a short blog.

The blushing bride

Shimmering in the pink of her dress and blush

she walked along

Her eyes moist, her lips quivering

she walked along

“It’s a big step in life, marriage is” , she thought

as she walked along

As the distance reduced

slowly she walked along

Her heart heavy, her hands unclasped her family

as she walked along

Closing the doors of childhood

she walked along

Her eyes hopeful with love in the new home

she walked along

“This is it”, she thought  as she reached the One

in his eyes she saw home as she walked along

As finally towards her true love , she walked along

Marriage

(Warning: This is strictly from an Indian girl's perspective!)

Marriage. One word which changes your entire life. Suddenly all sorts of cliches which you have heard a millions of times and which never fail to make you cringe actual seem true. Like it being a new life entirely, especially for a girl.
It's not just another chapter, it's part II of the book of life.

It's the first biggest change most people undergo. And only in some cases do you find the prefect match and actually know that beforehand. Yes, that simplifies things a great deal.  Well! marriage and simplifications don't really go hand in hand! I may be the first one to say this but I feel that may actually be good for everyone concerned. And I have gross example to clarify  the same. A doctor gives you an anesthesia before operating to numb your sensations during an operation. You wake up the next morning realizing the change but not feeling all of it. In the same way, these preparations will numb all sense of feeling while you are really into it. And before you know it, the change will have occurred. And then, because it had happened, it  just may feel a little less huge. Because it's also true that sooner or later we all get used to any kind of change.

Don't get me wrong, I am in favor of marriage despite the way it unravels your world for a while. To me it seems the next logical step for most of us (I agree there might be exceptions). And even that is only true when we are actually ready. Yes, there does come a time when you are ready for your entire world to change.
Why? Because it's the next step. It may happen because you suddenly want some special to hold a bigger place in your life. When you actually want to spend a lifetime with them, live with them, instead of just dating. (or looking for them ). Or it may happen when you realize you have already reached all your childhood dreams which were achievable and now are ready for new dreams. A new beginning.  You become a "we" from a "me". It changes your thinking in all multitudes. You get ready for a whole different set of dreams and experiences. It's certainly the biggest kind of adventure.

And here come the preparations which gear you up for it. The shopping...new stuff to make fresh start. All kinds of ceremonies  from prayers to warding off evil spirits. The best way is to just go with the flow, let it all happen. The people who do it, do it because you actually to them and they want this change to  work out well for you.  You may not follow or like everything they say but listen all the same. It kind of makes one feel special:) Every one from that neighborhood aunty you avoided to far off relatives to virtual strangers, will have something to say, some advise to give.People will call you just to ask how the preparations are going and if they can help. And they actually will help if you ask for it. Partly because for many of them, it will be chance to relive their special moments and for others, a glimpse at what future holds for them. It's something which unites people all over. It's gonna be the only time when you will be made to feel that special by everyone.  You will adorned to the hilt. You will be discussing makeup, hair styles, jewellery and of course dresses for months to follow. Accept it. A cracking of a nail will actually mean something to you even if you were supposedly a studious geek. Add a new wardrobe to it and well you know what will occupy most of your time. You will remember cards, menus and your trousseau like they are your thesis. And it's required because more people will query you about that than will ever read any of your papers. Honeymoon destination could be the open elective which you choose. At first you may want something very unique with all these but what I realized was there's something very special about being absolutely traditional. And it's possible to do that and still retain your style. Like choosing some kind of red in your wedding dress. Like buying some of those "heavy" saris and suits. Wearing lots of red.Wearing a chuda for an adequate amount of time. Even taking a few days off work. A few days before the wedding will seem like board exams all over again as people guard you against all kinds of mishaps...and soon you will also start doing that. You will have your manicured fingers and toes crossed at all times! You may even let some guy ward off evil spirits with a feather! Participating in all kinds of Pujas and ceremonies with a gusto! Like a mehendi with all females surrounding you and having all those weird bridal songs. You will actually like them this one. Watch out, you may even blush!

What I mean to say is that if taken in the right spirit, this time can actually be the best way to bid a goodbye to single life. Wedding preparations can be fun. Yes, they will get stressful. Very. But the best advise is (see now I am giving advise :P): "Over-prepare and then go with the flow". Things will go wrong. But if you have enjoyed the preparations, you won't mind that much.

Remember, no matter what little preparation goes haywire, you will get married. And that thought will scare you, no matter how dreamlike the new life seems. (A bit like PhD!)

But like a friend said, if you take one step at a time, you will be enjoying the process till that day and then everything will be new and special. So by the time you get to routine life, a different kind, you may be half settled.


Ok, back  to preparations! Remember to smile even if you have butterflies in your stomach!

PG Express back again!

 PhD is like an infinite candyland, there is so much to try that it gets you excited but as you start one, you get tempted by another.

It's been over 2.5 years now into PhD. I have moved on from the lonely phase.  Have seen the ups and downs of it a few times. I have gone from the one-track to this project done to there's more to life then just this. It happens to all of us at times. We expand our lives. As did I. But with it, the clutter in your mind increases. There seems so much to think about, and thus write about, that at times you just feel like shutting out for a while. Life is so very big (no I don't mean long, I mean big) that little blossoming thoughts get lost in it while big rude loud ones dominate. But all we need is those little ones. Simple ones. Not the day to day complexities which will keep changing. But the reasons behind those complexities. The reasons behind joining PhD for example. Yes, there comes a time in every grad students' life when you wonder why you ever did this to yourself. For me those reasons had always been very clear: there was nothing I wanted to do as much as this. And that still holds. But even this simple thought can get lost as life expands. As can other  important ones about not just PhD but also life. And one day, you know you just have to go looking for  them all.

It reminds me of this childhood prayer, though there's nothing "gloomy" about life


"When the world all around you looks gloomy
And all your dreams go astray
There's a still small voice  within you
To show you the sunlit way

Lend an ear to the words it's saying 
You'll find you never go wrong
For the still small voice within you 
Will show you the way to be strong

Whether you're alone or in a crowd 
It will guide you wherever you go
It can be heard above thunder
Tho' it's silent as new falling snow

It's a gift handed down by the angels
A treasure of love you can share
And the still small voice within you 
Will always, will always be there"

Well I am back now. 

Another change

At times thoughts become too much of a jumble to express in words but express we must. So here's where you will find me if at any point of  time I seem "away" Capturing Life.

Of course this blog is too dear to leave but life changes and with it so must we. Blogging is easy that way. It is possible to come back anytime you want. So I leave now with the hope of coming back later.

Well, if the workload gets heavy, it may happen sooner rather than later!

Loving another is a lot like horse-riding. You have to let go of the reign and forget the fear of falling down. Only then can you truly enjoy the ride.

It will happen:)

It will happen rarely when all pieces of your life will fall in place....
when all weathers will seem equally delightful,
the sun will give comforting warmth and the cold winter chills pleasure,
the rains will exhilarate and winds will tickle,
the bloom will bring a spring in your step,
and the fall will cushion your souls with the crunch of  its leaves.

When all music will seem as if made for you,
when all dance steps will seem as if made by you, 
when art will flow out of your fingers onto the canvass so bright
when ideas will write themselves into words so right

When you will wake with a smile
to start another day so beautiful 
but never be ready to sleep
to end a day so dreamy and full
when life will seem complete
and with the present, no past will be able to compete

A smile today, an eager step towards tomorrow
Secrets to share, dreams to borrow
leaves no place for sorrow

Advisees beware!

Here I am back again to write at yet another ungodly hour with deadlines hot at my pursuit. Of course, the more the mind if is asked to concentrate, the more it wonders. Right now I am wondering what gives people the right to ask just about anything? What happened to respecting the others rights to privacy? Does that even exist? And it need not always be strangers or even acquaintances, it could  be  well wishes or even friends. Yes, that's what makes it tough. You can't just ignore them. But yet you wish they would take a hint and stop. So what happens if they don't? Either you ask them to. Or being non-confrontational, like me, you may feel the easiest way to get out of the situation is answer them.  Do NOT fall into that trap. Because then they will start pouring their words of wisdom which may frankly feel like nothing more than showers of saliva! And then of course they make you pour out  your poor disturbed thoughts at such times of deadlines....:P

Another definition of love..

Everyone has their own unique definition of love!

Poetry

Poetry only seems to come (at least to me) when it is required. When prose cannot replace it. It is about writing when we want to express but not explain. Like when we need to generalize, blur the reality, create a veil. And sometimes, through that veil, we see a new perspective. Blurring removes the unwanted details while leaving the important parts clear. In that way poetry even helps draw new conclusions, find hope which may have got lost otherwise.

Love-a paradox

Writing a poem after a long long time so it's bound to be a bit rusty.
Here I try to define the "undefinable"....

What is love?
A feeling of stages, oh! so many,
Starting with the first crush,
moving along to the unrequited love,
learning to forget and move on,
tiring of the "it's better to have loved and lost",
shunning it and going through the not required love
curving along to the glassy eyes,
to the "oh so beautiful" new love,
waking with a smile,
jumping along a mile,
all to be with someone for a while.
No dependence, no expectation
only with hope and desire,
until the heart perspires,
wondering if you can depend,
if a lifetime together you can spend.
And we go on to the continual to love,
the day to day smiles,
the talks and the walks,
the sharing life both in joy and strife,
the peace to have succeeded at last.
And then along come the demands
the requests turn into commands,
followed by the expectations and the reprimands
the battles and the "making up".
As cross eyes dissolve to fun sighs
you decide not to command
not to depend, not to demand
until you remember what love to you meant...
...having someone to depend,
while now love also means not to command,
but not to depend, not to demand, 
to loosen the hold,
and yet not to let go.
For love is a seesaw where balance is rare,
a paradox where all seem to define the undefinable,
where all seem to count the uncountable,
And as the moments of angst join the moments of care
we move onto the commitment of love
you realize love is to give,
love is to understand,
to let the other depend,
on being cared even when not able,
to care each time you depend.

Why do I push you

why do i push you

when I wana come closer?

maybe it's bcoz you seem to push too

and i am afraid to pull and fall

But when I push, I bang into the brick wall

of your dwelling, your interior

of which i am kept away and out

maybe you fear i would change it

 maybe you just don't want anyone to be a part of it

or maybe i am just plain wrong

maybe this is not an entrance wall

but an exit to which you escape

maybe its just not a wall at all

but your boundary , your abundance

available to all

but which to me feels a wall

maybe there is  no hidden interior

but there is still hardness which hurts when I push

why do I push?

one day the balance may stumble

and weakened I would crumble.

why do I push?

maybe bcoz that’s what you expect

and that’s how I get you  to react

The post that never was....

I strived to write a post twice. Last night, when I truly felt it, a phone call prevented me from writing. The person was like "I will not let you write it now.." jestingly. It just added to my determination. So this morning, I again got down to it. I felt it less now, a good night's sleep,a steaming cup of tea, a  lavish breakfast will do wonders in changing your perspective. It was going to be the most cynical post written by me till now, you see. And all the more cynical because I was not cribbing. No, I was writing it when I was happy with my life in most respects. It was about oldage and associated misery, middleage and associated responsibilities, changes, lost dreams of childhood, selfish dreams of youth.... I mean what right did I have to enjoy myself  when there was so much misery? You get the idea...the general theme of the post.

And won't you know it? It got deleted this time! I couldn't recover it. I tried to undo but it was gone. And frankly, I could get into the mode to write it again either. By that time, I was in a good frame of mind. Then it struck me that maybe it just wasn't meant to be written. Maybe that's what Discovering Life is all about. You discover a lot but there's no need to share everything, especially  things you yourself don't like it.

Yes, I can still see the miseries as they were. Yes, I still feel bad about them. But that's no reason to feel guilty when a simple joke or a piece chocolate cheers you up. If we were all miserable, who would get us out? Maybe all of us can't do the big things we thought of in childhood about "making the world a better place", but we can make a difference by bringing some smiles. Maybe there are joys lurking for everyone; and when we can't find them for them, maybe it's just because there was joy in not being alone but  having someone look for them with you. And maybe, just for those few moments, that's enough. For us and for them.

A new year, a new winter:)

These days all my posts seem to start with "It's been a while since I last wrote"...blogging is decreasing with time. I observed this trend in the gradual decrease in number of posts since 2008. Maybe there are less thoughts, less time. But I don't think it will end. It's good to have a  space to come back to.  

A new year brings about many changes with it, the first one happening today itself. I started appreciating winters. A casual comment by a friend stating that she had never experienced winters, made me realize how lucky I am to live in a place where I truly experience all seasons.  And I am a convert now! I used to detest winters but this time I felt a charm in the foggy days and even foggier misty nights...

A hot cup of tea, maybe a bite of chocolate or two, a warm 
quilt, a good book and off you go to the wonderland again....
A cold walk warmed by the hands of a loved one...
A bike ride through  foggy misty lights making the world seem as if it belongs to just you two...


Be in it in isolation or be it in company,
 winter certainly seems the way to be...


Many others also seem to share this view.....


There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.  ~Ruth Stout


Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:  it is the time for home.  ~Edith Sitwell


Winter is the time of promise because there is so little to do - or because you can now and then permit yourself the luxury of thinking so.  ~Stanley Crawford




....... winter is certainly all about poetry!
Life changes our perspective. I, who comes alive in sunshine, now enjoy winters also:)

Switch off

There so many situations in life on which we have no control at this stage, changes waiting to happen, life resisting them and it is human tendency to have the self "what if..." discussion.


"What if when I look for a job, there is recession again?"
"What if after I get married and have kids, they hate me because I am too busy for them?"
"What if I get pimples by this chocolate?"
"What if I smile at that guy person whom I know remotely and he doesn't?"
"What if I meet my boss about a doubt and he cancels my leave?"
"What if I buy this color and regret it because the other may look better if in the future I get some other accessories?"
"What if my plane is hijacked?"
"What if I enter the contest, win a prize, and fall flat when going to collect it on stage? "

And no this is not all me, I am just trying to cover the different possibilities.

So what!! 90% of these will probably never happen/not affect us for long if they do/ will happen when we are in a position to handle them.  And  in 99% of the cases, we can do nothing in the present to prevent anything, or actually DO nothing to prevent it. So the only action towards prevention is inaction. But Life can't stop due to fear. So inaction is out the question. Hence the need to switch off. Delay. Especially if it's a long term worry. You will still have time to worry about it in the future but you won't have this present moment back to live then. Take some worry-free time periodically. And throw out some worries periodically. Put them in the "to be handled later" tasklist.

"Life is what happens to us while we are busy making plans."

So lets take time to experience it.

So now I better get back to planning my tasklist!:D

The wait

It's been over a month but the procrastination hasn't ended in many ways. There are times, when we know we are at the end of another chapter of life, at the corner of the road, with or without knowing which way it leads. And it makes us want to wait. Makes us just want to get started on it NOW. Just to know how it is.  It's like when you are a few hours/a day before exams. The preparation may or may not be complete but you are waiting for them to get over. What happens then if suddenly you are told that it has been postponed indefinitely? Or that it may well be a surprise quiz instead of an exam? Unless you are grossly unprepared, you will not like this announcement. You will hate the burden and you will hate the surprise element. The freedom from exams will there and yet not enjoyable because you know it is lurking there somewhere.

And so the procrastination just continues. It may be in the form of  having more experiences, more time for oneself or trying something new.  And that may be good. To have the time to just be.To be able explore your potential, to able to widen your horizons, to be able to get to know yourself better for a change, or even make a few changes. And to keep doing something new means that the spark of excitement burns cheerily in life. But it doesn't change the underlying wait. The need for peace and stability. The need to just know.
And yet, once we do know, all we would want would be to have the excitement back!
It's a vicious circle. What do we humans really want in life, I wonder.

A new start

With this new blog theme, emerges a new hope for a new better, start.
Procrastination has reached highest levels when you ....

• spend more time on your template than actually writing 
• read away old novels not as a break but as the main activity of the day
• when you get stuck but don't think of a way out, but take a break instead
• when you get tired of those supposedly "refreshing" break
• when despite all that, on Sunday night , you start waiting for the next weekend

Of course this list can go on and on....
But that would just increase the procrastination. Sometimes writing helps you get out of that. So lets start with a few random food for thought and see it progresses in the next few posts. These are some quotes from recent readings..newspapers, internet, novels...(sorry too many sources to mention!)....
  

1. It's not a miracle if it doesn't happen when you least expect it. 
 
2. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you have to make it.
 
3. Follow your bliss, don't be afraid and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
 
4. Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent
 
5. Sometimes, you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too, even when you are in the the dark, even when you are falling
 
6. It you allow yourself to dissolve for others, you will be transformed
 
7. Boredom, fear and anger are the reasons a gull's life is so short and with these gone from his life, he lived a long fine life.
 
8. My best friend is one who brings out the best in me
 
9. Too late we learn that a man must hold his friends unjudged, accepted and trusted to the end.
 
10. Good friends must not always be together, it's the feeling of oneness when distant that proves a lasting friendship
 
11. You can always tell a real friend when you've made a fool of yourself and he doesn't feel that you've done a permanent job!

 
12. Freedom is the very criterion that tests whether love is real or not. If love destroys freedom, it is not worthwhile.
 
13. Him that I love, I wish to set free, even from me.
 
14. If equal love there cannot be, let the more loving one be me!

 
15. I believe love and life can't be explained through logic and reason. They just can't. What the heart desires has no reason behind it. At least often not one that can be expressed in words

 
16. The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the others good qualities.

17. Don't be so busy capturing the moment that you forget to live it.
 
18. Great opportunities to help other seldom come but small ones surround us daily

 
19. Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you
 
20. Key to not getting bored is doing things as differently as possible
 
21. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up!

 
22. Dance for yourself. If someone understands, good. If not, go on doing what you love.
 
23. The difference between "ordinary" and "extraordinary " is just a little extra

 
24. The reason why great artists to scientists will work day and night neglecting to eat or sleep is because they are driven by a vision, something just beyond their reach that will not let them rest until they have brought it into reality
 
25. The secret to a rich life is to have more beginning than endings!

As a child I used to cry when someone close left while they would go away sometimes laughing, sometimes with a sympathetic look which felt far worse. Nothing has changed in all these years.  I don't know why. Maybe life is supposed to desensitize you as you grow and when that doesn't happen you get left behind and are kept wondering.

People in our lives

Some changes just creep into you. Others, you just notice much later. 

As browsed through my phonebook today, I realised just how much life has changed. There were of course some random people whom I couldn't place at all. But there were others. There people who had been sort of good friends once at a time and I suddenly realised that years had passed since we talked. There were people, who had once been pretty good friends, what with all their home numbers, parents number stored away so meticulously. In some cases physical distance changed relational distance also. And maybe at some level it was expected. There are people with whom you share  great time but somehow you know it wouldn't last outside the given environment. It can make you feel nostalgic but it won't hurt much.

But there were people with whom friendship itself changed. Our opinions about each other changed. Values changed. And suddenly in our respective new lives, there was no space for the other. Happens. But didn't know it could.  And each time you wonder about the whys and hows.

I felt strange as I deleted all those contacts, knowing my heart already had, years ago in many cases. Yet I felt at a loss knowing I was closing doors.  Even if they had already been shut.

Sure, I may hear about these through friends, social network sites etc but that doesn't even make them  "contacts".

And then I browsed the remaining contacts, ignoring "work related" ones. I found those who had grown active after my previous such perusal, knowing that they were the ones to hold onto, even with the distance. These numbers may not have been used that often but it was reassuring to know that good memories are created whenever they are.

There were those who are still uncategorised and haven't stood the test of time yet.

There were those whose numbers need hardly be stored because they are embedded permanently. And those whose numbers may not be used for months simply because of the distance but there are still embedded out there.


And then there are, the lifelines....

Reminds of the concept of reason, season and  lifetime.

Life, a cake.

If life is a cake, then work is just one piece of it. All the time.
So that makes...."work, a piece of cake!"

Ok ok, I won't try my hand at comedy now:)

But it IS only one piece. Each aspect is . Expect love maybe which makes the cream, character which makes the crust and the excitement which makes the icing. Materialistic Success/Fame is just a cherry on top.

The sisterhood of travelling pants

This has been  a wonderful feel-good series about friendship, love, families, life and how they all come together. Feels magical. Written in a playful manner yet as you brush it's surface , you realise it's deep enough for you to be touched, to learn about life.

I won't add much more except this one quote which I loved in the 3rd book. It is sprinkled with this and many more:

".....This was the future. Life would get busier and more varied, populated both by beautiful things and unfortunate circumstances. If their friendship demanded exclusivity or solitude, it couldn't work. If it required that everything go as planned, it would turn brittle, and ultimately it would break. On the other hand, she knew that if they could be flexible and big, if they could encompass change, then they could make it....... "

This is true for every relationship nowadays. and that's good but also kind of sad, even if  illogically so. 

Sleepwalking

It's been a while since I wrote. I don't know what's happening , whether it's just me or in the air. But it's like I am sleepwalking, or rather sleep living. Just living each day, taking it easy. Not in a rush but also not pausing long enough to actually experience, reflect or even think about much. As if bidding my time. Waiting . But don't know for what. Maybe it's laziness. Maybe it's all the activity (not necessarily work). Maybe it's the in-between phase, when you know change is gonna happen but you can't see it yet.

It is said that you can't remember what you don't give your brain the time to process in the first place. Maybe that's it. The brain doesn't process life right now. So it's tough to remember what happened a few days ago. What I was busy with.

A kind of numbness sets in. You get used to everything with time, true.But I think I have got used to change these days. People come and go and it's normal. Routines change. Situations change. People get busy. I myself get busy. Yet it's normal. It doesn't affect as much. Life just keeps on moving.

Some might say it is good. Good to be stable. Good to be on the plain road. But I miss the rollercoaster.

I have got trapped into a lake. Scenic though it might be but I miss the powerful sea with it's bubbling waves. They may crash but they also take you high up, for a great ride. And it's worth it.

Maybe the only thing to do is write. Maybe this is what happens when you suddenly don't pen down stuff. It gets lost. Maybe to really experience things, you need to share them with yourself and writing helps in that. 

The cup that counts goes to the team that counts:)

Well it certainly turned out to be just that -a cup that counts and will probably count forever now! The above pic says it all for us Indians. Winning of the world cup was like a festival which all celebrated together irrespective  caste/religion/region/gender  or whatever else that divides us otherwise.  It brought a strange frenzy amongst all us, we (most of all) missed schools/office if working, to watch India's games. We applied our own superstitions probably to make the team win from wearing tricolors/blue to repeating some action that seemed to "favour" the team at that instant, be it a specific channel, position etc. We waited with baited breath till the final six . And after the win, we called all over called and congratulated each other, probably as delighted as the team for that instant of time.


Well it's been a special time! And this cup's been very special. In more ways than the win. The team grew this time. The gen Y team. They learnt to handle pressure, they learnt to adapt to situations, be it a different pitch, injuries or toss. In the first game itself, against Bangladesh, our team achieved glory through Sehwag. They started the streak of high targets which seemed to ripple throughout the tournament.  The game against England may have made some doubt the team but than it WAS a draw. So no one can say it wasn't close! And it encouraged teams like Ireland work hard enough to be of some reckoning, as acknowledged by their captain. The other wins may have been easy. And yes, we did lose to SA. But nothing disheartened this team! They came kicking back in the Windies game. Of course there were many sceptics who wanted the team to lose that match simply so that they won't have to face Australia but that was certainly not what the team had in mind as they cruised to victory! Beating the previous champions, the team moved ahead to the match of times. India-Pak. I don't think any of us fans missed that one!  Till then, all probably secretly hoped for an Indian win but didn't know what to expect what with one tough match after another.  And suddenly, there it was - the cup of all cups, just one step away! Yes, India had been in finals earlier, but this was a different team altogether. A younger, more passionate team. Yet a carefree one. One which could show aggression, but also one which could share light moments. There was no blame game, at least on field. A team which worked as a single unit instead of being Sachin-dependent. A team which supported Sreesanth when he couldn't bowl well, a team which may not be the fittest but leaped all around the place to save runs all the same. A team not only of pomp and show through Viru but also stability and perseverance through Gambhir, Raina and Kohli.  A bowling unit which no only got wickets but which was also economical like Zaheer, Harbhajan and Munav. A team which produced all-rounders like Yuvraj. A team where people were given a chance based on the match in hand and not based on the big names.  A team where the captain remained low-profile and non-aggressive and yet took responsibility on his shoulders when the situation needed it. A team which deserves every moment of this victory!


And yet, to me and numerous other fans, this world cup was not just about the team but about this man who may not play next. The little gentleman, whose names' refrains can still be heard if we try to recall the crowd in any of the matches. ...Sachin Sachin, Sachin Sachin, Sachin Sachin.........


The player who has the grace to walk away without waiting for signal. The player who would come to calm the crowd when unfairly given out. The stylish player. The small but powerful player  who made cricket come alive for me and millions of others. The player who not only gave his best always but also went out of his way to encourage his fellow players to do well. The player who waited 28 years for this day.  The final joy, well doesn't this image say it all?  And of course the player who still has landmarks to reach which make us almost as excited as any cup...And the player whom I hope doesn't have to truly leave cricket even when his playing days are over. Because this is one player who truly makes cricket the game it is, for so many.

It all comes down to..............................................

................................ZERO
This zero, invented by us Indians is indeed very unique. It's a great leveller.
No matter complicated the calculations, nothing is left the moment you multiply by zero. No matter how big a number we get, if there is zero and its companion ( nothing but a  tiny dot '.') at the beginning, it all gets belittled. Whereas, the same zero . at the end, could increase it manifolds, proportional to its original value.

We all have our very own zero that centres us. And all we really need to do is figure out our zero and keep track of where it is.  Keep it ahead of us and life's joys get multiplied. Let it go behind, and boom! Suddenly, there's nothing, no matter how great everything else is.

On second thoughts, who knows whether it  is easier to uncentered, disoriented or centered and cruising but in a rollercoaster, never knowing what the next bend has in store. Sometimes there are no answers.

The winner stands alone....but why???

****Warning : Spoilers ahead****

I think this book took me the longest time ever. Of course, there some that we just discard. In this case, however, I read half and discarded once. And then somehow, got back to it. It held my attention a bit more this time. Its not that its no fast paced, because it is,  it's just that I don't know why it was written. Its too negative. Its interesting because it shows the other side  a serial killer. The guilt, the doubts. But then it goes on to shows his blackness of heart. And why would such a person "win" in the end?

What I did like though, was the background. The author has embedded many gems of thoughts inside a gruesome story. Here are some :

"Normal is
-anything that makes us forget who we are and what we want ; that way we cna work in order to produce,   reproduce and earn money


-making fun of anyone who seeks happiness rather than money and accusing them of lacking ambition


-Standing facing the door in a lift and pretending you're the only person there, regardless of how crowded it is


-Postponing doing the really interesting things in life for later, when you won't have the energy....(there's a whole list,   have shared the only ones I found most interesting)"


"Experience has taught that people only give value to a thing if they have, at some point been uncertain as to whether or not they' ll get it"


"People forget who they are and start to believe what other people say about them"


"Total power means total slavery"


"We all have a purpose in creation and that purpose is called Love. That love, however, shouldn't be concentrated in just one person, it should be scattered throughout the world, waiting to be discovered. Wake up to that love. What is gone cannot return. What is about to arrive needs to be recognised."


"Even if you're doing the same thing over and over, you need to discover something new, fantastic and unbelievable that went unnoticed the time before"

A talking match

A conversation is like a badminton/tennis match. Except for the rare volleys, one person remains more dominant than the other. One may be more dynamic, pushing their limits while the other just somehow returns the ball back in their court. It's not always that they don't want to, they just can't sometimes.

Its rare to have players in equally good form. At other times what happens is we hear out those with whom we want to talk but don't get a chance. And we talk out those whom we just want to hear but they don't have anything to say.

Looking back, I want to say....

So many times when we re-analyse any situation, we get this "oh, no!" moment when realise to our utter horror, how irrelevant/harsh/embarrassing we were. In a  way it's only the middle one which keeps coming back again and again to haunt. All these moments especially seem to creep up on me when night is old, and yet sleeps creeps out of reach. It makes me wonder how I could have uttered/done certain things. If only that middle-of -the-night clarity had persisted in those moments! 

Anyway, as I remain awake till morn in this night, I just want to apologise to all  those who may have had to bear my wrong-footedness during such moments. 

And for the future, may I reflect more on such sleepless nights and achieve greater clarity of thought. 

dil dhoondta hai yeh kya?

dil dhoonta hai kuch is jahan mein
ek nayi khushi udaasi ke saaye mein
ya koi udaasi is khushi ki chhaaya mein

dil dhoondta hai kuch is andkaar mein
Ek umeed ki roshni is kaal mein
Ya ek andkaar is chamchamate ujaale mein

dil dhoondta hai kuch is zamaane mein
ek humsafar is tanhaayi mein
ya kuch ekant is bheed ki parchhhayi mein

dil dhoondta hai kuch is sangharsh mein
koi raasta is safar ke daldal mein
ya khojaana chahta hai vo isi sagar mein?

The little leaf

I pity the little leaf

Noone notices it, all they see is the tree

The hugely spread tree

With millions of leaves

All overshadowing each other

Yet none do we see

Except for the tree

Who in itself would have hardly any identity

Had it not been for the leaf losing its individuality

It is the little leaf which bears it all

The brutal rain, the scorching sun, the dusty wind 

And still stick to its stem it does

while crying tears of pain

which we see as beautiful dew

Or even after-effects of rain

while the strong tree stands tall

But finally the leaf loses the struggle

Withered, each falls 

In its own time

Till all that is left is the tree

Only then do we see, it is empty

Without the leaf,  its non-identity.

Nature is blissful :)

                                                                                                                                            

                  

 

       

                          

                                                                        

                                            

I am lucky enough to take this kind of walk everyday:)

It's enough to fill ones heart with gladness!

PG Express 3

It's now time for another PG Express (5) but as I scrolled through earlier posts, I saw this, and wondered why I never posted it. Maybe I got burdened by yet some more stress or maybe wanted to add more into it but forgot after a while but anyway, here it is, short , incomplete even but that's how life was ..almost two years earlier. Wow! Has it really been that long? If I hadn't checked the dates I could well call it few months ago. Maybe that's why this has been waiting (you know, I posted another PG Express in between, which should ideally be because this one still got left out ), because despite all the changes, life remained same in some weird way throughout this  : "PG Express 3".

"Seems a long time since I wrote the first PG Express, yet it's not exactly because time has been slow or boring. It's just that it's been long in terms of experiences gained and in terms of changes.


From the time when I wanted to escape from here to the time when I felt insecure leaving this second home....certainly come a full circle...


It's been full of highs and lows...successes and failures. What has been constant is learning to work. And that too "group work"! That means knowing when to put in efforts and when to withdraw. It means days of frustration that you know nothing and guilt of letting the other person work. But it also means days of frustration when you do all of it and you wonder why. A good work-partner certainly makes life easier. To be able to shout at each at midnight after a submission and to be able to tease each other it next day shows the strength of friendship and understanding.


Work also includes "leadership" and the ability to handle deadlines and pressure. It means "people management " also. "

....but most importantly, it means how to handle "self" also.But more on that in the next Express.

It's nice to be imperfect

So often we hear people say "Noone's perfect". I guess till recently, I never really gave it a second thought. Until a conversation with a friend. We all have our weakpoints, some which we may have struggled with all our lives. But what I realize now is that it is ok to let go. Stop the struggle. Accept yourself. You aren't perfect but that doesn't make you bad, despite your vices. 

After a while what happens is that people close to us get used to it and accept it all. It no longer bothers. Maybe it's time we let it stop bothering us also. There is no crime in being imperfect because all of us fall in that category.  Nature isn't perfect. But it's beautiful. Look closely at flowers, they will not be exactly symmetric, the trees also have their "fall",lines on our handprint are crooked but we made palmistry out it.We don't mind any of that. Then why mind our own nature especially if it doesn't adversely affect the world at large?

Minor skirmishes would always be there. If there was no noise, what would be the fun in image/signal processing?:)

The most excruciating seminar ever...

The ingredients and process follows...

1. Your worst subject
2. Some old weird accented guy
3. No general type of topic seminar, instead lots of nitty gritty, equations and the depth of them! 
4. No applications.....! Just your wondering mind with questions like "why are we learning this".................and a little later..........."how much longer"

..............a little later "my watch must have stopped!!!!!how can it still be just 2 minutes????????"


and a LOT later "well! It has to end in 5-10 minutes"



.............................30 minutes later ....................."How can a one hour seminar last 1:20mins????What they trying to do? Kill us???"



And at the end of it.................."I need to kill someone NOW ".

By the way, the seminar didn't end even after 2 hours!

Love is magical

I think this is term which everyone has tried to define but noone actually can. Because we all interpret in our own unique way. And maybe there are no words to actually describe this emotion. One can only feel and understand it. But it fill life. It completes us. And acts like a security blanket which a kid likes to carry everywhere with it. I am sure many of have been through a phase in childhood when we had/wanted something  which would always stay with us or maybe an invisible friend to talk to always or an angel/genie  to look after us. We forget this as we grow up in a life of disappointment and with time, most of us lose faith in magic ever co-existing with life. Until suddenly, one day, if we are lucky, there comes someone who loves us and reminds us of that childhood dream, who fulfills it. And the world is magical again! And there starts our second childhood. No, not old-age but love. Love makes us see life again through childlike wonder and zest. Love makes us believe in magic.

Love makes us believe.

Blogging in happier times

Why is so hard to write in happier times but one can't stop writing when upset?
I guess it's easier to write when you are miserable and confused rather then when things do work out for once. But why???

I want to write a nice and big post even though I don't know what's it going to be about. Well, lets see if I am able to. Blogging has become so scarce these days! These was a time when posts would just flow through my keyboard but now that's rare. Maybe it's because one tends to think and reflect less when there no despair. Or maybe one feels afraid of being thought of as "gloating". Or maybe it's just sheer laziness. I mean there is physical need to write when upset because you need to find a logical conclusion/a sounding board/ a distraction. Whereas there do come times in your life when well, you need nothing really and you are actually content. This is when dreams come true and before you get ready to chase after some more.

It is quiet, peaceful place to be in. Very much like the sunshine,a warm comforting bed after a hard days work, chocolate, a lovers arms, a baby's touch....

:)

Life’s joys today remind me today of its twisted journey so far

So many sweet dreams lost along the way

Some so jeered,

Some were cheered but crashed anyway

And some just faded away

A heart that refused to give up

A will that faltered but never gave way

Eyes that refused to throw the rose tinted glasses away

A child who dreamt along falls and tears

Triumph comes to them for now God has banished all their fears!

"After all, I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but just those that bring simple little pleasures,  following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.":) (Anne of Avonlea)

It is only after the rain that you see the beautiful rainbow, cherish it:)

Life is seesaw

Life is seesaw, full of ups and downs.
God gives us dreams, God gives us the will to fulfill them.
God even makes them come true.
Why then  is the world not always a beautiful place?
What goes wrong?
Even after experiencing miracles, common stuff hurts. Why???
Do we expect too much or is this just life?
In short, is happiness really not supposed to last or are we supposed to make a greater effort to ignore those skirmishes?
But if we try to ignore them but telling ourselves that they do not matter, are we not lying to ourselves? Isn't it better to be true to ourselves rather than ignore our feelings, our very nature?
Does truth end where optimism begins?
Is there even a line between the two?
Once an optimist now finds all this very  hazy.

Oh what a beautiful day!

The bright blue sky, the fresh green grass, bright sunshine and the cool playful breeze
new flowers cropping up everywhere, the chirping birds, the squirrels nibbling along the way
.....oh what a beautiful day:)
It's sheer bliss to be around such weather and to have the time and freedom to enjoy it.....
to it add the sparkle of beautiful company and there's no greater joy on this earth.....
Oh! I so much wish to compose a poem out of this but can't get anything right now.....maybe later...
For now lets just enjoy this song:)