Saturday, November 11, 2006

A confession

For a long time now i have been pondering over this and finally i had to write..even with all papers overhead...

Actually i seem to have realised that with time, sometimes we deterioate.I confess, with time my nature seemed to have gradually degraded.From a child, to a teenager to adulthood ,from nursery to schooltimes to college to working people, we all do change.Somewhere along the way, many times we lose our innocent ideals...not purposely...but maybe with blows we weaken or maybe we just become a bit cynical.It happens, in different ways with everyone...In some ways it happened with me also.
But as the saying goes"better late than never" and its never to late to change.
I have realised these changes before too late and for i am grateful to God.As a kid ,there are many things we learn"say no to poly bags,firecrackers,save water" and what not....and some of us actually follow them.But when u come across a society where everyone flows in the opposite direction ,it is easy to be mislead...the challenge is not to allow yourself.

As kid, we also learn many other in particular..selflessness or.. as a motto i remember"service before self".Its easy to start off with but with time when all we see around us is selfish people..people who push others to move ahead in the race of life....we do wonder how much worth these values are.Some lose them totally and become hardhearted..others follow them but not with the same devotion as earlier...afraid of blows...and even then they are called foolish.
I thought these were the only 2 categories of people possible...those who don't follow those principles and those who follow but with tint of practical edge or maybe a tint of fear its said"once bitten ,twice shy".The latter do want to work towards the ideals but doubts creep in regarding the success a drop in the ocean....i mean we wonder,"are our actions even worth anything?will they help at all even if we give all?"

But i realise very well now that all these are just forms of weakness of character...a tainted form of self pity ,self indulgence and self doubt.
And confess being part part of this latter group to some extent.

But as life moved on i came across people who followed"my ideals" better than me...who strived on in spite of first it irritated me , made me feel uncomfortable..till i realised what i was feeling was guilt...guilt of neglect of duty...

There numerous examples which made me learn..from the simple incident of friends arguing about not polluting,conserving electricity or when i saw people thinking about others at a time when i thought of myself...or just in general being more considerate than expected...about people and about the environment.These were strong people..who held onto their ideals in all circumstances.There were others ,who followed and got blows and afterwards felt cynical ..those i could understand.But to know that what you are doing is right and then not to allow anykind blow to affect you requires courage.I learnt a lot from all these instances...enough to grab hold of my ideals again......

i may have left midway but to truly realise a mistake is to correct it.And unintentionally done no mistakes reflect least i hope...

a prayer that i remember to make this clear

"Make me a channel of peace
Oh master grant that i may never seek
So much to consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul"

and another

"amazing grace!how sweet the sound..
that saved a wretch like me...
i once was lost but now am found
was once blind but now i see

towards grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved
how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed"


Tapasya said...

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury your pardon Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in you

Oh master grant that i may never seek
So much to consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul

These lines have always inspired me, and have been my favorite ones since I was in primary school. They teach you a lot about life. We have been alarmingly influenced by the media, by the worng-doers and by people who have given up their goodness. What we learnt in schools has been long forgotten, probably due to the increasing pressures and the challenges of life. We have grown obsessed with our our doubts and our indulgences have augmented to a large extent. And this has had an overal impact on the society too. We see so much of pretence around us: its about money and materials all over. Not many care for others. Brothers kill brothers. People protest. There is dissatisfaction, pain and anger everywhere- amongst the rich as well as the poor. These are all the ramifications of our lost values.
Your post was an eye-opener for me. I had turned overly cynical in the past few years. I had grown selfish. I used to think that life has been unfair to me. You made me realise that I am one of the most happy and satisfied people on earth. There is enough pain around us that needs to be attended to by God before He looks into our problems.
And we humans are Gods instances - we are the 'channels' through which His love 'flows' into the society. To bring a tear to someone's eyes is very easy - you scold, you fight, you torture, you taunt - tears and fears are very tangible. It is the faith and joy that seems intangible and unattainable, and we should try our best to give happiness a physical form - by briging smiles to peoples' faces. This is not very difficult either, however, the will to share and spread joy should be strong.

Lovely post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me realise my true self and for bringing out the fact that there is still time and scope for correcting mistakes. Your words changed me completley, that too permanently.

PS: It has been a long comment, lol.

aditi said...

Thank you dear for making me feel i made a difference!It was difficult to write this post meant acknowleding that i had been wrong..even if partly...but writing this was the first step towards the process of that self realisation.

But see the problems about us is an everyday occurrence but what i want to convey is that in spite of the cynicism in the world,all people don't stop trying.Neither should we.I was also influenced and as u can see little thoughtful actions can change so much..flow like stream...from one person to next...thus its very necessary that the least we do is spread happiness....and well that's the only true way of making ourselves happy also so its not something that makes us great but it makes us the real sense.

Ankur jain said...

Very nice post!
Congratulations you are through the most difficult phase of correcting your mistake, that is to find them and confess them in front of world ... now correcting mistakes will not be difficult now but I would like to say it's good to be good but sometimes you should be bad too i might be saying something I don't say normally I just want to say don't try to find your mistake in everything wrong happened.... be good with others but don't be harsh on yourself too...

aditi said...

Confessing is certainly never an easy job!But hopefully that will make everything easier as u say.
hmmm...good to be bad?Yes harshness is not required...all that is needed is timely wake-up calls regarding my duty towards life.

Naintara said...
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Naintara said...
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Naintara said...

i hope u now believe that being selfless and not being selfish is not the same thing.