For a long time now i have been pondering over this and finally i had to write..even with all papers overhead...
Actually i seem to have realised that with time, sometimes we deterioate.I confess, with time my nature seemed to have gradually degraded.From a child, to a teenager to adulthood ,from nursery to schooltimes to college to working people, we all do change.Somewhere along the way, many times we lose our innocent ideals...not purposely...but maybe with blows we weaken or maybe we just become a bit cynical.It happens, in different ways with everyone...In some ways it happened with me also.
But as the saying goes"better late than never" and its never to late to change.
I have realised these changes before too late and for i am grateful to God.As a kid ,there are many things we learn"say no to poly bags,firecrackers,save water" and what not....and some of us actually follow them.But when u come across a society where everyone flows in the opposite direction ,it is easy to be mislead...the challenge is not to allow yourself.
As kid, we also learn many other values..one in particular..selflessness or.. as a motto i remember"service before self".Its easy to start off with but with time when all we see around us is selfish people..people who push others to move ahead in the race of life....we do wonder how much worth these values are.Some lose them totally and become hardhearted..others follow them but not with the same devotion as earlier...afraid of blows...and even then they are called foolish.
I thought these were the only 2 categories of people possible...those who don't follow those principles and those who follow but with tint of practical edge or maybe a tint of fear ....as its said"once bitten ,twice shy".The latter do want to work towards the ideals but doubts creep in regarding the success ...like a drop in the ocean....i mean we wonder,"are our actions even worth anything?will they help at all even if we give all?"
But i realise very well now that all these are just forms of weakness of character...a tainted form of self pity ,self indulgence and self doubt.
And confess being part part of this latter group to some extent.
But as life moved on i came across people who followed"my ideals" better than me...who strived on in spite of everything...at first it irritated me , made me feel uncomfortable..till i realised what i was feeling was guilt...guilt of neglect of duty...
There numerous examples which made me learn..from the simple incident of friends arguing about not polluting,conserving electricity or when i saw people thinking about others at a time when i thought of myself...or just in general being more considerate than expected...about people and about the environment.These were strong people..who held onto their ideals in all circumstances.There were others ,who followed and got blows and afterwards felt cynical ..those i could understand.But to know that what you are doing is right and then not to allow anykind blow to affect you requires courage.I learnt a lot from all these instances...enough to grab hold of my ideals again......
i may have left midway but to truly realise a mistake is to correct it.And unintentionally done no mistakes reflect badness...at least i hope...
a prayer that i remember to make this clear
"Make me a channel of peace
Oh master grant that i may never seek
So much to consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul"
"amazing grace!how sweet the sound..
that saved a wretch like me...
i once was lost but now am found
was once blind but now i see
towards grace that taught my heart to fear
and grace my fears relieved
how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed"