Long weekend: Part 3 ( What mask will you don today?)

As the long weekend draws to a close, there is that slight natural resistance to move from a relaxed carefree state to the daily rush. The weekend which seemed too long was good after-all. But it's a good life where Monday (or in this case Tuesday) and Friday both bring some amount of joy.

However, it is not so for all or maybe not for any all throughout the life. When the joy dies out of either workplace or home, people experience blues. Monday blues for some. While others have weekend blues. Some have social blues. Ever wonder why it is so? Because we all wear so many masks. We wear masks as defence against the world. Some of us might wear as many ten masks when in an unfamiliar environment.  As the environment and people become familiar, sometimes these masks may fall with time.  Sometimes they may even increase. It all depends on what we expect from the people around us. Every one of us has that fear of a jab at our self respect. Be it in an unfamiliar environment by  strangers or by acquaintances in terms of ridicule. Or harsh words by people which have the power by position, relation or closeness. At times it could in the form of doubt by people close to us. It could be in the form pity by people who witness that slight or vast downfall of our pride.  So we wear masks.

Masks which may say 

"I am not afraid"

"I am not alone"

"I didn't just mess up"

"I don't fear/mind getting yelled at"

"I am not ill or worried about my health"

"I am not tired"

Or even positive situation masks which may say...

"I am won't show I am too happy"

"I won't show my delight at that praise or compliment "

"I won't show that I feel lucky in my current situation"

And so on....

Some are professional masks and some are personal masks. At times a team may see certain professional masks getting created for outsiders and falling away within. Acquaintances become friends as they see masks falling away one by one. Sometimes people see through your masks and they fall apart. Sometimes you yourself let them fall away as your fear dies out for a particular person or group of people. However, at some basic level these masks stay. Some as temporary based on situations and some permanent ones. Some we acknowledge and some which don't admit even to ourselves.

When do they start getting created we wonder. Well I would say as the innocence of childhood and trust of childhood decreases. As children start getting judged and being put to task, their trust crashes. They start having that first fear of getting hurt. Maybe when a small child literally hides to eat that chocolate. Or that teenage who keeps that big secret for the first time. Maybe once they would have told but now they don't expect the understanding from the person in front of them. It could be parents, teachers or peers. Slowly we realise physically hiding is not possible. Maybe it happens after the first public scolding. You wear your first public mask then..."It doesn't hurt, I am not embarrassed" mask. Next time it maybe a peer who breaks your trust and you wear the "You are not close enough to hurt me, I don't care" mask. With time, they masks keep getting added to our faces and we start wearing them as a prevention. Sometimes it's a common "I am feeling great" mask to hide all stresses.

There are some places still where all these masks fall. All of us generally have one or maybe a few people who have seen all our masks fall.  It may be the partner, the best friend or parent. They are those who see  all masks falling apart, who see the worst in us. Maybe snot-crying, maybe the temper, maybe the lost state or maybe some other. But they witness that, gather the pieces and judge us none-the-worse.  They become our lifetimes. Our homes. Homes are where the heart is at peace.  A place away from all masks.  Until next time when we move out of that comfort zone. So, ever wonder, how many masks are you wearing?

Long weekend: Part 2 (The Half-dead Tree)

A few days ago I came across an interesting sight. While walking across a now familiar lane (isn't it strange, the transition between an unfamiliar lane becoming familiar .....more than time I think it's comfort that makes some place familiar, but I digress...), I came across a half-dead tree. Half of its leaves were bright green while the rest were wrinkled and dead.  Right next to it was a younger plant in its flowering stage. To me it was as if a standing poetry was greeting me but I couldn't find words for it. It seemed to evoke so many strong symbolism as if endless. As if there was a lesson which Mother Nature was trying to teach naive old me but I couldn't grasp it.

I still don't know what it was exactly but here are some interpretations which it seemed to evoke.

Stages of life: Shakespeare might have given Seven Stages but this scene showed the four very basic stages of life: childhood, youth, middle age and old-age. It showed so vividly how each stage affects us and how close each stage is to the next. How each needs the next to co-exist.

Familiar environment, different outcomes: People of same roots, same  environments can sometimes turn out so differently like branches of this tree. Why so? Maybe even  with the same roots, their environment varies or maybe it's just individuality. People take different paths as they grow and with their decisions, some prosper and some wrinkle out.

The half-dead parts within each of us: I think this impacted me the most as I gazed at that tree.  Some words came the next day, jumbled  and hurried as they were, they demand to be written as they were....(sometimes I feel words control writers more than vice versa!)

The half dead tree

The half dead tree
A tree which is half dead and half alive
What does it need to thrive?
Water, care and a little sunlight...
Why then did the Sun shine on only half of its hide?

Reminds me of our halflight
The hidden, frozen, sometimes swished, half dead parts within us
The parts which are by the world trodden
And then by us forever buried and hidden
Together they weigh like lead
Bringing us with them down
Like dry leaves, some may fall with time
while others remain..
Tarnishing us, our outward perfect bright lives

The half dead tree
Causes the heart pain mingled with longing, regret and doubt
Really what is life all about?
Why the deadness in live things
When life itself is so short
And with moments of danger so fraught?

The dead leaves here are a painful sight
A longing to make it all right
A reminder to follow the path of light
Why do we gave way to might over what is right?

Why is it that the display is always bright
While the backend murky and dark
why make life seem to be just a lark
when in depth we find our spark

Bring it out in the open the half-dead parts say
Don't wait for the leaves to die
Let the sun shine today
Before it's too late
Don't wait for that one fine moment, that right date
Life won't keep giving chances
We can't not do our deed
And then 'tis all  fate!

Save the half dead tree
Save the half dead you and me

Long weekend : Part 1 (Follow your bliss)

A long weekend generally means lots of activities and hustle bustle and before you know it you are at the end of Sunday night and back to the daily rush. It's good, it's fun but sometimes quiet weekends are also nice. When nothing big happens but you just relax and peel away life pleasures at your leisure. Sometimes we are wise enough to keep time for them while sometimes these are enforced upon us. God gives us various signs to slow down. Sometimes it's as simple as a common cold which puts you in bed and prevents you from making elaborate plans. Irritating though it might be, sometimes sickdays are just what we need to slow our pace and have a little quiet time. Well having one such quiet weekend at hand, I plan to complete a series of half-filled or even half-thought posts. Lets see.

Part 1
Follow your bliss...

This is the first such one. It started as a simple thought and a response to it. Sometimes it triggers a more elaborate thought process where you realise upon reflection there is much more you want to say or express.  For yourself. To free your thoughts. Some thoughts, though very simple, just want to be written. Well here's where all such all such half thoughts end up....as posts to be kept forever.

Follow your bliss whereever it leads you, it seems simple enough. Or do we follow life's practicalities? The practicalities would say there's "our daily bread" to earn,  there are responsibilities. Yet who says that we can't do both?

It's possible to follow bliss at some level everyday. It could be for a few minutes which leads to a lifetime practise. It means saying yes to your heart, to your instinct. It starts with simple stuff that makes one happy like chasing butterflies and watching clouds. Smiling at people without a worry. Not analysing or hesitating before you say something good to anyone. Goodness does no harm. Writing blogs, reading that childhood book again. Feeding your soul with at least one worthy conversation everyday. Maybe even eating that dessert. Buying something ridiculous which catches your fancy. Or bigger stuff like going for that much awaited trip. Taking up the job that makes you happy. Giving more time to that much  awaited, half-forgotten hobby. Learning something new regularly.  Sometimes taking an off day just to pause, reflect and recharge. Slowing down at times in between the daily rush. Removing negative people from your lives. Surrounding yourself by positive ones.
Following your instinct. Following your bliss. Following all that makes your heart smile.

One done, lets see how many others get coverted to posts!

Trees

Trees swaying their greens
telling you what life means
leaves come and go
but trees stay, they belong to long ago
winds can blow leaves right out
but the stronger ones stick out
leaves with their changing hues
driving away all blues
still they eventually fall and say bye
but sturdy branches don't die
this is story of the tree
but it could well be of you or me
do we with our roots stay
or with wind do we sway away?
………………………………………

Wordless days

Wordless days, hungry days
Sleepless nights and sleepy days
All end in an equal haze....
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Wordless days,
Sightless gaze
Smileless face,
It's all a needless chase...

Food for soul: Books n music

Novels, the storybook land of wonder leave a part of themselves within us.
But in music we leave a part of ourselves
Ultimately going back to those phases whenever we read or hear that piece.
Or get transformed by mood, thought or action at first go.
Such is the magic of creativity
At times to me it surpasses even beauty

Some things never change...

Sometimes the internet with it's strong memory can teach you about yourself. I recently realised this through Facebook and this very blog. Facebook has a feature called "On this day" which shows what we posted on that day some years ago. I saw a post from three years ago in which I had photos of clouds for two successive days. What is strange is that that's exactly what I have been doing recently!
Coincidence? Well here's more. Recently I was browsing over my old posts, specifically poems. And they still seem as relevant to me....even those which were over ten years ago! The words may seem crude but the words still make sense to me. And I think that's unusual even for writers. Or maybe it's just hard to acknowledge.  Or have I not grown at all? Or is it that some basics remain constant despite the ever-changing world? Like outer coverings to the inner soul.  Maybe  we remain the same, our individuality ageless while seasons and years change and with it what changes is only our response and mannerisms.

What do you think? Would love to have some thoughts here.

Kuch pal

Zindagi mein mukaam to kai hote hai,
Kuch manzilen, kuch raaste banke reh jaate hain,
Kabhi thehro to dekho,
Kuch pal apne nishan chod jaate hain...

Why being a scientist can broaden your views

As a researcher, one learns to value data and not go by face value. A small dataset may give great results. However, it may not be easy to reproduce those results on slightly larger dataset, say 1.5 times the size. And if the dataset is huge, maybe 100 times the original one, why, the original results would be quite pointless. How then can we generalise characteristics of people based on religion, region, caste or gender? In our limited lives, a human would only come across a limited set of people, a very small subset of the populace. And even within that, there would be contraints. In data, especially image processing and vision dataset, a solution is expected to work for specific costraints. Yet in real life, we expect an entire community to behaive similarly. We judge individuals based on our experience  with other individuals of similar community be it region, religion, caste or some other social category.

In research, if a solution works for lab conditions, it may not work at a real field. If it works in a field in India, it may not work at Austria. It is not expected to. A daytime solution is not expected to work at nighttime. Yet when it comes to individuals, we generalise. We forget the contraints that people live under. What is easy for one individual may be a struggle for another. What is a negative in one may work as a positive for another living in different conditions.

The poor one shouldn't be the assumed thief. A given community may be not full of misers. A given religion may not be all about violence. Women need not be the weaker sex. The man need not always be a hero or a villain. The illiterate need not be less intelligent. The hungry beggar isn't a nuisance.  The quite one need not always be proud. The jolly one can also sometimes be serious. And finally, the small children are not as unknowing as they may seem.

There is no common man. There are only special individuals, each uniquely created with a very precious life of their own. Each has an entire, little world of their own. Humans are not data points to draw patterns and make conclusions.

A New India

Recently our office held a poetry writing session /competition for Independence Day....well in addition to dressing up in tricolor! Finally a workplace which encourages writing, even creative writing! Well, what a great way to celebrate Independence Day! All were encouraged to write and a selected few were asked to read out their creations. What a great session! And what a wonderful way to make you think about your country.
Here's my entry as selected to be read for the same. Just some thoughts woven together to rhyme but mostly just a raw form. But it felt good to reflect and polish the writing cells a bit.

A new India

A new India has emerged recently in our society
Full of technology and all things IT
The largest number of social media users has it drawn
With malls, MNCs, supermarkets, daycares and metros is it adorned
A greener India, a cleaner India
A happier India it seems to be
But a freer India do my eyes still seek

Where the old and gold remains the same
Taking along values of our forefathers
Of strong family systems
Respecting elders,
We march towards a peaceful India with yoga, prayers and meditation
Practising unity in diversity
We strive for equal rights for all without any deviation

Towards a healthier and happier India we strive
Where technology reaches the poor India
Distance learning at villages becomes a reality
A digital India with vegetable vendors having paytm and bank accounts
A decrease in corruption as pressure for transparency mounts
And a decrease in social tabboos at all counts

A free India
Where all biases obliviate
And everyone can just be
Women can walk, wear, work in a manner completely free
Where religion is practised in private
And nationalism in public
Where students study in colleges
And educated adults go to politics

And seniors citizens retire and can relax and smile
While the youngsters for social wellfare go that extra mile
Where there’s always someone to wipe the tears of a hungry child
To aid the helpless and needy gain employment and prosperity
So the entire populace has a basic dignity
And all join hands in whenever there's a calamity

This is it

This is it
This is real life not high school
No awkwardness required
Noone's waiting to call you a fool

You can be free
You can be "me"
You can smile n shine
You can call someone "fiiine"
It's not a landmine
It's real life
Be it yours or mine

Midyear Reading list

It's nice to record the reading list of the year. It gives insight to the overall mood of the year. And it's nice to know the new books read over tge year. Each year comprises some new books and old books, some new adventures and comfort from some old ones. So here it is , the list from the first half:

1. Enid Blyton: Malory Towers and St. Claires ( junior series) ....new books in your favourite, well they just can't be missed. And yes, I still love Enid Blyton books! They take you right back to childood. Of course now I have the added advantage of sharing them with my kid!

2. Robin Cook: Chromosome
3. Robin Cook: Crisis
4. Robin Cook: Marker
5. Robin Cook: Coma
( all rereads except Crisis. Nice and thrilling and good use of medical terminology. Makes you think where technology will take us.

6. Lindsey Kelk: What a girl wants...Don't recall but couldn't have been bad

7. Danielle Steel: The Apartment...a great feel-good book. Danielle Steele never fails to inspire.

8. Mitch Album: The Time Keeper ....eead another Mitch Album after a long time but it has all the magic to captivate you and a strong message

9. J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter: The cursed child....not upto the mark...would have been good as a book maybe but screenplay missed out too much of what this reader wanted to know. Or maybe we can just not get enough of Harry Potter.

10. Chetan Bhagat: One Indian Girl...tolerable...worth one read. Chetan Bhagat wrote two great books and then there were others....

11. Zoe Sugg: Girl Online ( part 1)....loved it....perfect for travelling...light, fun and humorous ..reading teenage books makes one feel light, fresh and young

12. Sophie Kinsella: Shopaholic to the rescue....long wait for this one....it was OK....could have been better

13. Agatha Christie: Miss marples final cases: Good like all Agatha Christies

14. Sabrina the teenage witch: it's a miserable life....reads like a comic

15. James Dashner: Infinity Ring: A mutiny in time....very absorbing after the first few pages....waiting to complete the series....the bad part: they leave ypu hanging for more!

16.M&B: Medical Romance: A family Christmas....can't remember so couldn't have been great or very bad

17. Lauren Weisberger: Devil wears Prada: Not as great as hyped....I have read better books woth similar theme. The author makes a light theme dark for no reason.

18. Danielle Steel: Wings....reread but again worth it

19. Agatha Christie: Death on the Nile: Good.

20. Carolyn Keene: Nancy Drew: sisters in crime...new book...was fun!

21. Carolyn Keene: Nancy Drew: Smile n Say murder ( and the next 2 after it)....good timepass

22. Ann Martin: Babysitters Club: seaside, seacity, Abby's Twin....perfect summer break fun!

23. Anne Digby: Summer term at Trebizon ...cotinuation of summer break

24. Cecilia Ahern: Perfect...a good concept but I like tge first part "Flawed" more. This was mostly running and struggle instead of that concept.

25. Lindsey Kelk:  I heart Paris:
26. Lindsey Kelk: I heart London:...This is a great new series. Light, fun yet with its own charm and  works well for travellers also. I read first one "I heart Vegas" when I was in Vegas and absolutely loved. It captured the essence of the city completely. The same with London, I understood the city better and wana go there.  The Paris one could have better in terms of description of Paris.

27. Melussa Nathan... The waitress: ....not bad but won't be reading more books of same author.  The book drag on too long with little to give.

28. The Martian:....there are some books after which it is tough to find another book to read because onlly rare ones match its level. This was one of those.

29. Roald Dahl: The Magic Finger....makes me want to read Roald Dalh again....can't wait to read it to my child!

30 Enid Blyton: Wishing Chair and the Faraway Tree...ohhh its fun to be in the world of fairies, pixies,  gnomes, treats and all that is magic!

Old is gold

A new friendship is like new book which one is eager and curious about. This is true even for mediocre ones. The new experience is still fun in the first reading. However the real gems are the time tested ones. The ones we go back to and want to read again and again and on each reading we feel comforted and gain a new understanding.

Interesting places visited in Mumbai

As promised here's the list of places visited in Mumbai. I didn't even get a complete year so it's less than 50 but then there are some others to see later someday:

1.Atriya Mall...Barbeque Nation...the best eventhough the mall is not worthy.
2. Phoenix Mall.. lower parel....
3. Marine Drive...the best way to explore is a walk from choupatty through the entire marine drive
4. Choupatty
5. Dadar beach
6. Dadar market....you will get everything there!
7.Cinemax Goregaon
8. Oberoi Mall goregaon
9. Shivaji Park
10. Viviana Mall, Thane
11. Mannat
12. Hanging Gardens
13. IIT Bombay....perfect like all IITs
14. Bandra beach
15. Mahim area...there is a unique charm in living across the railway track....large coconut trees all around and the train going along its way parallely...a great place for walks
16. Our Lady of Salvation Church/ Portuguese Church...Dadar
17. Matheran...ok not part of Mumbai but is a very charming place
18. Worli sea-link....a great structure...very beautiful and enthralling....visible from many places
19. 5 gardens....a good childrens park....there several clustered together
20. Siddhivinayak Temple
21. Bandra Marathon....a walk from Bandra Fort across Bandstand through to Linking Road
22. Shopping at Linking Road....a must!
23. Phoenix Mall kurla...Snow world...a lot like some of Delhi's bigger malls.
24. Bandra Barbeque Nation
25. Got to Work near bandstand....had the entire view of sea for many days. I had SRK as my neighbour (even if for workplace!)
26.  Ferry Ride from Gateway of India....saw the bluemoon :)
27. Gateway of India
28. Carter road....famous for Sachin's bat and house to many film stars
29. Elephanta caves...a little disappointing but the Ferry ride is worth it
30. Sewri jetty
31. Alibaug....the most common beach getaway for Mumvaikars.
32.Drive through Aarey area....the hills of Mumbai. Such a marvellous city to have both sea and mountains.
33. Juhu beach
34. Khar area...worth attending some fete or social event there
35. Naturals ice cream....ok so not a place but no Mumbai visit is complete without this....out of the world ice cream....you will forget all others  like Gelato when you try Gajjar halwa ice cream!

Some other places worth visiting

Mount mary church
Flora fountain
Prince of wales museum
Marve beach
Bandra worli sea link at night
Jain Temple
Iskon Temple
Walk of stars
Taraporewala museum
Film city Goregaon
Sahara hotel
Rajesh Khanna park
Joggers park bandra

When did 2017 fly by?

It's been a long time. Again. This time I didn't even realise it. It was when I opened the link for a share that I realised that 2017 has seen no blog so far. And here I had plans to keep have incremental posts each year again. I had plans to write more this year. Today I mentioned that I blogged only to realise I hadn't for over 8 months. But that's what's special about this space. I can come back as and when there is a possibility OR an overriding desire.

It's been a year of changes. Strife followed by peace. I came back to Delhi. So now it's time for the "Top 50 places of Mumbai" as promised. Also a time for comparison between the two places, my way.  Well I may be biased...and not towards Delhi maybe. That Mumbai time was like a slice of heaven. A life away from so much, a lot of struggle, but was such fun, such absolute freedom. It was like playing house! Only with a real child! We learnt a lot. We played a lot.  We created our first "home". And for the first time, I had no desire to go out. Just being home on hols was also great fun. I lived for weekends and evenings and that was despite liking my work! I found my peace. There was joy, laughter, dancing, play and peace. And then I came back. And found my calling. Or at least what seems like the perfect job for me. Where all pieces just fit together in so many ways. It's a  rare combination I know.  Instead of a wait, it's seems like an arrival. A happy place. Rest time will tell.

When I didn't Facebook my perfect weekend

I love social media as much as the next person does. I like browsing through articles and checking updates among friends. I comment and like appropriately. I even Facebook all major events with pics and words and also some fun events. It's fun. It's also a good way keeping record. It's nice to see "memories" through the new "on this day". So  a while ago when I had a great, picture-worthy weekend, I was about to upload pics. But I stopped.  I remembered how I would record the moments in my memory instead. I recorded how I felt that day and what made the day "fun" rather what we wore and how we looked.  And I remember it better than many other facebook weekends. 

It's fun to take pics and upload and share them but some memories precious without that process also. That sunset, the wonder and feel of the wind, the smell of sea will not be there in your photos or video but if you capture it in your mind, you will be taken back to that moment many more times.  The same is true for the taste of that lovely looking meal.  Some moments just need to be lived and that's enough to record them.

PG Express: It's worth the wait

Hi! The time has come. The time which I strived for so long. The time which every PhD student dreams of. The near end of this journey. When work is complete  from my side and it has actually been approved. All those years of work, passion, tears and frustration and a wait...a wait so long ...all have finally been validated. It's all worth it if it finally works out. The better it works the more it's worth it. It matters how satisfied the people associated with your work are.

The beginning of the end started last year. A hattric of acceptances and a great presentation. There was a research plan in the first year where I was told "You done a good job. Do us proud". From there we came to a full circle when the same person felt that I had done good and sufficient work. There are people of words and people of few words. The latter give out certain gems that one cherishes forever.

It's one thing to complete the work of your PhD and quite another to complete your dreams regarding your work. I was lucky enough to belong to the latter category. There came a time when I had crossed out all the  ideas which I had wanted to try at the beginning of my research. Of course some worked and some didn't but it gave a great satisfaction to be able to try all. There came another time when there were more goals: a certain category of publications, a certain number of "good" (or reasonably good)  publications, being able to present at a certain kind of conference. I was able to wind up my work with those goals achieved.

Next came another beautiful phase...the writing. Writing your thesis, completing the story which started years ago, it's a unique kind exhilaration. To create that first index and then subsequently add all the little analysis that you thought of. I remembering celebrating that first index. Then to create whole chapters. And finally to create your masterpiece...a dream that probably  starts the day you first look at any thesis: the Acknowledgement.  I spent a few days on my favourite masterpiece to make sure it was perfect and it included all the people who had been part of the journey in some way or the other. Dreaming up lines of acknowledgement had been one of my favourite procrastinations. Writing the thesis is a happy albeit stressful time. It's worth giving a little extra time because this is where you summarise all the work that you did throughout the years. For a while I loved writing my 1-2 pages a day and let myself absorb the feeling of writing my thesis . Later of course I paced up. Later it also became stressful, painful and tiring beyond exhaustion. The sleepless nights turned to sleepless months. Till there came a time when I was ready to let go.

After a period of lull, starts a agony of the wait and the questions and the second guessing. How will someone who has never seen you work find it?  When will  they respond? Will they ever respond? (this starts after a few months of wait). Then if you are lucky, comes a glorious day with the most beautiful words ever :approved! To see the confidence an external shares in your work, to see the pride amongst the people who have seen you work, made you work and sometimes even pushed you to work and know that finally all those years paid off, well there's no better feeling. It gives a validation to every thing you experienced throughout the years, through the jubilation and the tears, through the work and the wait, the ideas and the completion, the panic and the mini-celebrations.

It's all worth the wait.

Dear Zindagi

Time to try something new! In this post, I am writing a letter to life for the #DearZindagi activity at BlogAdda

Here's the Zindagi  video teaser

Dear Zindagi

Hi! It’s been a while hasn’t  it, since I last sat down and reflected with you? Well I have been busy with you as you well know…busy living the life. The older we grow, the more hectic you seem to get and ironically the less time we have for you. We rush to clear school, college, get married, have kids and then wish for them to hurry and grow up. It’s as if we are in a rush to get to some finishing line without realizing that it IS the finishing line. It reminds of Polyanna when she asks  “ where is the time to live?’

‘Oh, of course I’d be BREATHING all the time I was doing those things, Aunt Polly, but I wouldn’t be living. You breathe all the time you’re asleep, but you aren’t living. I mean living—doing the things you want to do….. Just breathing isn’t living!’

So what I want to thank you for is all the living I got to do while being alive. The small joys you offered: reading the Sunday times with my favourite cup of tea, playing with children, meaningful conversations, writing to my heart’s content and sometimes just a beautiful view.  It’s just that which I am going to focus on now instead of waiting for some ideal moment. Those are rare. Most are just small pearls of joy threaded together to form the necklace of life.

I wish I had known this as a teen when every small test, every small gathering appeared so scary.  The times when 80% marks seemed bad, when a slight ridicule seemed like the end of the world and when friends were limited to a particular circle and thus luck!  I wish I had known then that it was just one perspective which you were showing me. Later I would understand true friendship, value good companionship and gain the courage to rise above failures or just bid my time through a bad phase. Later I would understand how little other people’s opinion would actually matter if one is content from within. Every roadblock seemed mountainous until somewhere along the way I started enjoying your company, life. The basics pieces of life fell in place and I realised the rest are all just speedbreakers. 

Good company of close ones, peace at home, work that you enjoy and occasionally something new to look forward to…isn’t that all that we really need along this journey? Being lucky enough to have these basic ingredients for happiness, I say thank you zindagi. 

A new kind of love: work can be bliss

One reads many articles about "not having to work a day" if you love your work, if you find the "right" job. However, years of research can numb the senses. For a while I wondered how can one even know what the "right" job is if you spend some 25 years of your life being a student? The withdrawl symptoms may be too strong for you to actually like the idea of getting up for a 9-5 kind of job, much less actually sitting down that long for the actual task given to you.  Then I realised its like falling in love. It just happens and then there are signs that show it is "right". One sureshot sign: you know you love your job when working at your currently assigned task gives you a greater high than beating your highscore in your currently favourite mobile/pc game does!

Living in the moment

It's a good time this after-submission phase. It's "live in the moment" time for me. I get assigned tasks for one-two days. I like completing steps one at a time without going into the bigger picture and scary deadlines for a while. I enjoy the learning it involves.

I enjoy the entire process of cooking: right from picking ingredients, planning a dish and the actual process.  It may not always turn out great but its fun. And even more fun to cook in partnership :)

I enjoy the gym and yoga classes as per convenience and choice. I enjoy the freedom of time...free evenings, weekends....no burdens!

Time for family. Time for tv. Time for reading. Time for "me".

Out in the open

The modern day office environment is taking us away from all that is natural. The ac is generally kept so high that all people keep some form of winter-wear. Why then the "so cold acs"? There should be fans. There should a "natural corner" where people can sit in the open and work with fresh air, sunlight and wind. Maybe even flowers.  If not a completely open space then at least there should be big windows which should be kept open some of the times. People should be encouraged to have a little fresh air every few hours. Every office offers snacks. Here green teas, fresh fruits and juices should be kept as snacks at least in addition to the regular ones for those in pursuit of a good health.

If we are more alive then only can we more productive.

Bucket lists

There's a trend these days to make lists and cross out items. Well writing gets you into that habit anyway so I have doing that much before it became the "IN" thing. It's good as a reminder to do stuff you may forget and sometimes just for the fun of it. Lists a good for planning the big stuff  but they can't define life.  Life is much more than that.

Life is mostly made up of those so called  "not so good for you moments". Lazing on a weekend. Binge watching your favourite serial episodes with family and then ordering Chinese. Then there are those so called trivial moments: tea with friends, taking your kid out to play, cooking a simple meal that tastes like home, fresh clothes on a monday morning or just having someone to hold hands. Sometimes it's random moments: a great novel, a beautiful view while walking, when your kid does something new. These moments vary for everyone. They can't be bucket-listed.

Live: Things to do after submitting thesis

NOW is the time to live. Now is the time to:

Play the casio again....try
Blog
Complete that book
Cook
Learn to bake
Watch lots of movies
Visit lots of places
Lots of beaches
Simple days of family time
Simple days of family TV
Play with child. Read together.
Dance
Do Yoga again
Start leading a more organised life
Learn the intricacies of running a home
Paint my nails!
Nurture self: self manicures, pedicures, head massages

Transition and the wait

I know PG Express requires another post and that will come eventually but for now there is this one about the transition into the next phase.

Ever since I have started the new phase, there is this waiting that never ends. Waiting for lunch time. Waiting for end of day. Waiting for weekends. PhD though long but it never had such waiting times. There was a constant life with control. You worked when you wanted to and additionally when you had to. Recreation happened during self-created "breaks". Now you work for fixed hours, fixed pay. And at least initially its just about getting through those hours. Surviving another day of partial boredom. Sometimes you study, sometimes you work, sometimes you socialise a little  and sometimes you just wait and survive the cold AC. Maybe they pay you for surviving that cold. I know that's a cynical approach but that is the initial work phase. The learning phase. Sometimes there are flashes of self-satisfaction of a work well done. Some flashes of finally getting that thing working. But there is a general aimlessness.  There is no higher purpose as yet except completing each day.

There is a smile on my face on leaving here that used to be there on arriving there ( during PhD). I think that explains the difference of the two lives in nutshell. But it's more complex. There is that satisfaction of completing a work-day. But also the joy of life at your own little home ...away from the world.  Doing as you please. Your own time with no guilt for watching TV when you could have worked. Work already got over for the day. Weekends are completely your own. Again no guilt about "not working". 

So that smile signifies freedom. Freedom which wasn't there earlier at any point of time. Yet it comes at a price of aimlessness at least so far. That comes due to transition. This is a period of rest for the mind. With time  new goals will be created and with a new vigor I will be driven in their direction. But for now I revel in each day. For now I pause and live in the moment...while I wait.

The diverse and fun places in Delhi

Hi!

Recently we shifted from Delhi to Mumbai for a few years. Soon afterwards I made a pact with myself to "visit at least 50 prominent places in Mumbai" while here. That and the homesickness for Delhi made me interested in forming the list such places that I visited in Delhi at some or other point of my life. So in no particular order, here's the list:

1. Qutub Minar
2. Humanyun's tomb
3. Lodhi Garden
4. Nehru Stadium
5. Nehru Planetarium
6. Appu Ghar
7. Zoo
8. Old Fort
9. Mughal Gardens (also Rashtrapati Bhavan)
10. Lotus Temple
11. Hanuman Mandir
12. India Gate
13. Hauz Khas Village...recently discovered this world of its own
14. Lodhi Road Market
15. CP
16. Jantar Mantar
17. Sarojini Nagar
18. Lajpat Nagar
19. South Ex. Market
20. GK market Mblock
21. Green Park market
22. Rose Garden...a walk from opposite IIT to Green Park is the best way to explore this
23. Karol Bagh
24. Chandni Chowk market....from wedding shopping of all sorts to traditional Indian food...Paranthe wali gali
25. Chawri Bazar
26. Darya Ganz...a great book flea market
27. Select City walk mall saket
28. DLF Pomegranade Mall vasant kunj
29. PVR Priya
30. PVR Saket
31. D malk rohini
32. Rajori Malls
33. Moments Mall karol bagh...worth going for the experience, the food and 5D movie!
34. District Centre Janakpuri....have special memories of this place from B.Tech days but its a nice place for an entire outing also...movie, shopping...esp trinklets, food ....all sorts...
35. Metrowalk ...a nice evening can be spent here by waterside
36. Adventure Island
37. Fun n Food village
38. Japanese Park...great rides for kids also!
39. Kashmere Gate
40. Netaji Subhash Place (NSP)
41. Dwarka Raddisson blu mall
42. Maurya
43. Taj
44. Ashoka
45. Crowne Plaza
46. Leela Palace
47. Radisson Blu
48. Jor Bagh Market
49. Dilli Haat near INA...one of its kind. The other branches don't fo justice to it.
50. Malcha Marg
51. Chanakya Puri and the grand old Chanakya Cinema before the days of multiplexes...
52. Drive down Shantipath
53. IIT Delhi...the next few are for technical buffs but IIT is special. It offers a serenity like none other. Natural beauty in all seasons. Its a great place to have a cuppa and reflect.
54. Kamla Nagar Market near North Campus
55. Trade Fair
56. Book Fair
57. Shanti Niketan near South Campus
58. JNU
59. DIT
60. IBM IRL
61. NSIT
62. DCE
63. IP University...just for technical completeness but the new dwarka campus is nicely made.
64. PM house...had gone for Narayana Muthy's book launch!
65. G3S market rohini....well some places are  just familiar

66. India Habitat Centre.....Art, great food, gaming, rides for children and lots of walking area. And many shows also. 

Here are some places still in the "to be visited" list:

1. Raj Ghat 
2. Akshardham
3. Bangla Saheb
4. Kingdom of dreams ( even if in NCR)
5. Hyatt Regency
6. Khan Market...been too long...before development

7.Model Town

8. Asola
9.Red fort

10. Safdarjungs Fort

11. Tughlaqabad Fort

12. Garden of five senses

13. Dolls Museum

14. Agrasen ki baoli

15. Rail Museum

16. Damadam Lake

17. Birla Mandir (again probably but been too long for a proper memory recollect)

18.Republic Day Parade live

Lucky

I was harried and bleary eyed right in the morning. I hadn't  got much sleep for almost the entire month. I had needed a break since the last 4 months but could not have it for yet another month. There was so much work and yet it didn't seem to get finished to even give me the satisfaction of a work well done. And the social calendar being full  with get-togethers and rituals and the "what nots"  right before my deadline didn't help much either. As I rushed in the department, I tried to smile but couldn't with my heart yelling "somebody help me!",  I saw a person a wheelchair, smiling proudly on operating it himself. Suddenly I realized how lucky I really am. To not need to help for little things of life. To not only have work but also the ability to work. To have loving and supportive family and friends. To have a busy, full life.

Lessons learnt during pregnancy that are for life

1. Eat well. Eat nutritionally.
2. Give in to your cravings some of the times...no matter how odd they are.
3. Exercise is important ....for everyone ...decide what to do based on your stamina.
4. Size doesn't matter. Looking good is more about how you are feeling inside.
5. You don't need to be pregnant to want to make yourself feel good.
6. Pray. Meditate. Whatever gives you peace of mind.
7. Read.
8. Music helps.
9. It feels good when people help. Be one of those helpful ones.
10.Naps are ok.
11. Your health matters. You matter. Take an odd day off when you need it.
12. Be prepared in advance.
13. Expect the unexpected.
14. Smile.
15. Always have something to look forward to.
16. Watch your step. Remember #11.
17. Everyone has a right to be moody sometimes.
18. Drink your milk. An investment for later.
19. Same with the fruits n veggies.
20. This too shall pass. Even labour does.

Poetry

Poetry is meant to be felt, she thought, not to be analysed.
To be read from the heart, not broken down into words.
To be expressed, not explained...
To hide as much as it is to reveal
To be touched gently
Like doves flying by...

Choices

I am back as promised ...to write more .....
Here's a random thought...isn't irritating when people say "Oh, I could have done that".  It could be any small or big thing. The answer should be "Well, too bad you didn't loser. So keep quiet."

There's a conversation between Harry and Dumbledore in "The chamber of secrets" in which Harry wonders if he should have been in Slytherin after all.
"Then why aren't you in it ?"  asks Dumbledore
"Because I asked the sorting hat not to put me there"
"Exactly! You chose it. It is our choices which make our destinies rather than our abilities. " replied Dumbledore.

We all choose where to invest our time, energy and patience. Having the ability isn't enough. It's like this in PhD also. Probably many people may the ability to do research work but they may not have the patience, persistance and passion that requires you to continue solving the same problem for years. And even within PhDs, every thesis and its story is unique. Yes, each degree has a story. A story of sacrifices, passion, smiles, tears and turmoil. Success and failure and then the in between phases.  At the end it may feel "easy" like something that should have dawned us a lot earlier but it's not just about the results, it's about the process and the story associated with it. Just like life. It's all about journey.

Things to do before 30 and the journey so far

I just realized how gradually blogging has been fading from my  life. Only one post in the last year. So many things left unsaid. So many posts incomplete. So many thoughts faded out without getting converted to words. And so many words in diaries instead of blogs.Well to make sure that this year is no worse if not better, I mean to complete this post.

Recently I have been looking at lists of things to do before turning 30. A little late I realize. I am turning 30 in 4 days. So that doesn't leave a great deal of options to do something very wild and/or elaborate. Daily life doesn't permit a great deal of spare time. But as I started making lists now and a couple of months earlier, I realized I had already done a lot of I wanted to albeit without lists. So here's a list of what I did do (and probably would have added in my list in my 20s) ...........

1. Find the love of my life...suddenly the joy of life increases manifolds...you dream more , want more and live more fully ...
2. Get married....and to have that for the rest of the life...life with your best friend.......(at least when you are not bickering ..lol)
3. Have a kid of my own....a child completes your life in a way that none can. It's whole new life. And the entire process ...pregnancy and giving birth to your child....feeding him...holding him...well it's a whole new list which keeps growing ...
4. Experience pregnancy to the fullest...I not only had food cravings but also color cravings!
5. Experience childbirth...was fortunate enough
6. Learn how a kid grows up
7. Learn how a kid learns to communicate...one of the biggest curiosities for me
8. Read lots in all categories.....collect them all....have an over-brimming collection
9. Go into research...ok so I don't have a job yet but I am pursuing the work of my dreams in PhD
10. Get into some top university...specifically IIT...more specifically IIT Delhi...done :)
11. Get placed in good companies...ok so I didn't join but I did get placed.
12. Own a car
13. Travel alone...I did at least in India...more than 5 times
14. Travel with a friend...Hubli...
15. Travel with your sweetheart...
16. Travel with your little family (kid+sweetheart)
17. Airtravel...I love airports and planes...I even enjoyed waiting at the airport the one time my flight severely delayed
18. Stay with a friend....ok so it was only a couple of days each time but it still counts
19. Hang out in a big group till the death of night..yeah..beach@Chennai...
20. Get some kind of award...did get a few
21. Spoke on the radio
22. Lucky draws...have been lucky that way :P
23. Write a book...(*well near completion actually)
24. Loads and loads of college fun...friends, groups and dating:)
25. Finding a good, sincere set of friends to share, care, laugh and cry
26. Shopping with friends
27. Planning your own wedding 
28. Being an important person in your best friends wedding :)
29. Visit the beach again
30. Swim again...or at least try
31. Run a marathon
32. Do some literature course...did one online in Coursera...was enriching, fun and satisfying...I actually worked on it!
33. Thanking the important people of your life...do try...started with that phone call to an old fav teacher....
34. Wear a white dress and veil :)
35. Wear other dresses....all kinds
36. Give a lecture in a seminar
37. Try some adventure sports...snorkelling, it became cliff diving when I fell off a cliff!
38. Have THE PERFECT honeymoon
39. A relaxing babymoon
40. Eat lots of exotic stuff
41. Learn to cook a  bit
42. Lead somewhere...college magazine as well as Newsletter at IIT
43. Be the " go-to" person for help, for discussions for your friends
44. Go to the stadium to watch a cricket match and shout your hearts out...I also got my face painted ;)
45. Lots of known dates after some kind of engagement 
46. Lots of secrets ones before it ...there were some VERY close calls!
47. Be creative...hmmm...gifts to loved ones, nailart, painting my mobile case, knitting baby stuff  and lots and lots more
48. Internet chats....
49. Different looks, haircuts...
50. Have some one who will want to read you diary and whom you will be willing to show the same
51. Take a road trip with loved one
52. Visit the Taj Mahal
53. Visit some foreign country with loved one
54. Visit the zoo with your child
55. Give some of your loved toys to your child...my baby on my childhood truck...
56. Skate again....did so once and was ok at it...
57. Play carrom again...some wishes are that small...
58. Have someone to play scrabble with
59. Midnight birthday celebrations
60. Throw a surprise party
61. Read to your child
62. Sings rhymes with your child
63. Watch lots of animation movies
64. Watch the popular TV sitcoms...Friends, House, Masterchef, HIMYM, Boy Meets World...a few that I loved...
65. Watch a few popular Indian ones...Tarak Mehta ka Olta Chasma...a great one ...so different form usual Indian serials though even some of those were pretty good...like Jassi, BALH...
66. Lose weight...did so many times ! However I did start some healthy habits finally.
67. The perfect Mehendi party...
68. Wear a Sari on your own
69. Experience the perfect marriage moment...
70. Sweetheart on knees to propose
71. Stay actively part of parents life after marriage also
72. See your parents dote their grandchild as the baby grows
73. Bike riding....it's fun from the back seat also :)
74. Dance with the love of your life
75. Dance with your child....(also the love of your life...)
76. Create sandcastles again....did it all...sand castles, sand mermaid, doodle of names with hearts, collecting shells...

Travel Diary would include (20 year onwards)

India : Mussourie, Bangalore, Hubli, Mumbai, Chennai, Jodhpur, Jaipur, Lucknow, Alwar,kosi

Thailand: Phi phi Islands, Krabi, Phukhet

From Childhood:

Canada

South Africa: Durban, Johannesburg,  Cape Town

Mauritius 

Here are some which I would probably add for later on...

• PhD degree
• Job
• Visit Italy
• Disneyland
• Listen to/read news
• Complete that book
• Publish it
• Read some religious books
• More swimming
• More beaches
• Make enough space for your entire novel collection
• Exotic teas...try
• Keep trying different looks...its fun
• English tea...proper...at England..? At other places. 
• Keep increasing your travel diary....create one....
• Also add Goa, Andaman, Pondcherry, Northeast for India
• Keep dreaming................

It's been a while

Ok so it's probably been more than a while. An entire year without blogging and then some more. So much has changed since I last wrote, the night before my wedding. Marriage. A child. A whole new world. The outer world, the situations have changed beyond recognition but the essence is still the same and I am glad for that. One gets less time but it doesn't change who we are and it doesn't (shouldn't) change what we need to do, not just for a living but also for a life. There can be add-ons and there can be reductions but some things constitute the basics for a "happy me". Writing is one of them.  To know what they are for you,  just think of what keeps coming back to you. Things that make you feel alive instantaneously. What do you desire to do when you think ahead of the that "someday" when you will be free. Those somedays never come if we wait for them. We have to call them. Oneof those "somedays" has to be today. Make it that guilt-freely. Even if it is only a few minutes. Even it is only for a short blog.

The blushing bride

Shimmering in the pink of her dress and blush

she walked along

Her eyes moist, her lips quivering

she walked along

“It’s a big step in life, marriage is” , she thought

as she walked along

As the distance reduced

slowly she walked along

Her heart heavy, her hands unclasped her family

as she walked along

Closing the doors of childhood

she walked along

Her eyes hopeful with love in the new home

she walked along

“This is it”, she thought  as she reached the One

in his eyes she saw home as she walked along

As finally towards her true love , she walked along

Marriage

(Warning: This is strictly from an Indian girl's perspective!)

Marriage. One word which changes your entire life. Suddenly all sorts of cliches which you have heard a millions of times and which never fail to make you cringe actual seem true. Like it being a new life entirely, especially for a girl.
It's not just another chapter, it's part II of the book of life.

It's the first biggest change most people undergo. And only in some cases do you find the prefect match and actually know that beforehand. Yes, that simplifies things a great deal.  Well! marriage and simplifications don't really go hand in hand! I may be the first one to say this but I feel that may actually be good for everyone concerned. And I have gross example to clarify  the same. A doctor gives you an anesthesia before operating to numb your sensations during an operation. You wake up the next morning realizing the change but not feeling all of it. In the same way, these preparations will numb all sense of feeling while you are really into it. And before you know it, the change will have occurred. And then, because it had happened, it  just may feel a little less huge. Because it's also true that sooner or later we all get used to any kind of change.

Don't get me wrong, I am in favor of marriage despite the way it unravels your world for a while. To me it seems the next logical step for most of us (I agree there might be exceptions). And even that is only true when we are actually ready. Yes, there does come a time when you are ready for your entire world to change.
Why? Because it's the next step. It may happen because you suddenly want some special to hold a bigger place in your life. When you actually want to spend a lifetime with them, live with them, instead of just dating. (or looking for them ). Or it may happen when you realize you have already reached all your childhood dreams which were achievable and now are ready for new dreams. A new beginning.  You become a "we" from a "me". It changes your thinking in all multitudes. You get ready for a whole different set of dreams and experiences. It's certainly the biggest kind of adventure.

And here come the preparations which gear you up for it. The shopping...new stuff to make fresh start. All kinds of ceremonies  from prayers to warding off evil spirits. The best way is to just go with the flow, let it all happen. The people who do it, do it because you actually to them and they want this change to  work out well for you.  You may not follow or like everything they say but listen all the same. It kind of makes one feel special:) Every one from that neighborhood aunty you avoided to far off relatives to virtual strangers, will have something to say, some advise to give.People will call you just to ask how the preparations are going and if they can help. And they actually will help if you ask for it. Partly because for many of them, it will be chance to relive their special moments and for others, a glimpse at what future holds for them. It's something which unites people all over. It's gonna be the only time when you will be made to feel that special by everyone.  You will adorned to the hilt. You will be discussing makeup, hair styles, jewellery and of course dresses for months to follow. Accept it. A cracking of a nail will actually mean something to you even if you were supposedly a studious geek. Add a new wardrobe to it and well you know what will occupy most of your time. You will remember cards, menus and your trousseau like they are your thesis. And it's required because more people will query you about that than will ever read any of your papers. Honeymoon destination could be the open elective which you choose. At first you may want something very unique with all these but what I realized was there's something very special about being absolutely traditional. And it's possible to do that and still retain your style. Like choosing some kind of red in your wedding dress. Like buying some of those "heavy" saris and suits. Wearing lots of red.Wearing a chuda for an adequate amount of time. Even taking a few days off work. A few days before the wedding will seem like board exams all over again as people guard you against all kinds of mishaps...and soon you will also start doing that. You will have your manicured fingers and toes crossed at all times! You may even let some guy ward off evil spirits with a feather! Participating in all kinds of Pujas and ceremonies with a gusto! Like a mehendi with all females surrounding you and having all those weird bridal songs. You will actually like them this one. Watch out, you may even blush!

What I mean to say is that if taken in the right spirit, this time can actually be the best way to bid a goodbye to single life. Wedding preparations can be fun. Yes, they will get stressful. Very. But the best advise is (see now I am giving advise :P): "Over-prepare and then go with the flow". Things will go wrong. But if you have enjoyed the preparations, you won't mind that much.

Remember, no matter what little preparation goes haywire, you will get married. And that thought will scare you, no matter how dreamlike the new life seems. (A bit like PhD!)

But like a friend said, if you take one step at a time, you will be enjoying the process till that day and then everything will be new and special. So by the time you get to routine life, a different kind, you may be half settled.


Ok, back  to preparations! Remember to smile even if you have butterflies in your stomach!

PG Express back again!

 PhD is like an infinite candyland, there is so much to try that it gets you excited but as you start one, you get tempted by another.

It's been over 2.5 years now into PhD. I have moved on from the lonely phase.  Have seen the ups and downs of it a few times. I have gone from the one-track to this project done to there's more to life then just this. It happens to all of us at times. We expand our lives. As did I. But with it, the clutter in your mind increases. There seems so much to think about, and thus write about, that at times you just feel like shutting out for a while. Life is so very big (no I don't mean long, I mean big) that little blossoming thoughts get lost in it while big rude loud ones dominate. But all we need is those little ones. Simple ones. Not the day to day complexities which will keep changing. But the reasons behind those complexities. The reasons behind joining PhD for example. Yes, there comes a time in every grad students' life when you wonder why you ever did this to yourself. For me those reasons had always been very clear: there was nothing I wanted to do as much as this. And that still holds. But even this simple thought can get lost as life expands. As can other  important ones about not just PhD but also life. And one day, you know you just have to go looking for  them all.

It reminds me of this childhood prayer, though there's nothing "gloomy" about life


"When the world all around you looks gloomy
And all your dreams go astray
There's a still small voice  within you
To show you the sunlit way

Lend an ear to the words it's saying 
You'll find you never go wrong
For the still small voice within you 
Will show you the way to be strong

Whether you're alone or in a crowd 
It will guide you wherever you go
It can be heard above thunder
Tho' it's silent as new falling snow

It's a gift handed down by the angels
A treasure of love you can share
And the still small voice within you 
Will always, will always be there"

Well I am back now. 

Another change

At times thoughts become too much of a jumble to express in words but express we must. So here's where you will find me if at any point of  time I seem "away" Capturing Life.

Of course this blog is too dear to leave but life changes and with it so must we. Blogging is easy that way. It is possible to come back anytime you want. So I leave now with the hope of coming back later.

Well, if the workload gets heavy, it may happen sooner rather than later!

Loving another is a lot like horse-riding. You have to let go of the reign and forget the fear of falling down. Only then can you truly enjoy the ride.

It will happen:)

It will happen rarely when all pieces of your life will fall in place....
when all weathers will seem equally delightful,
the sun will give comforting warmth and the cold winter chills pleasure,
the rains will exhilarate and winds will tickle,
the bloom will bring a spring in your step,
and the fall will cushion your souls with the crunch of  its leaves.

When all music will seem as if made for you,
when all dance steps will seem as if made by you, 
when art will flow out of your fingers onto the canvass so bright
when ideas will write themselves into words so right

When you will wake with a smile
to start another day so beautiful 
but never be ready to sleep
to end a day so dreamy and full
when life will seem complete
and with the present, no past will be able to compete

A smile today, an eager step towards tomorrow
Secrets to share, dreams to borrow
leaves no place for sorrow

Advisees beware!

Here I am back again to write at yet another ungodly hour with deadlines hot at my pursuit. Of course, the more the mind if is asked to concentrate, the more it wonders. Right now I am wondering what gives people the right to ask just about anything? What happened to respecting the others rights to privacy? Does that even exist? And it need not always be strangers or even acquaintances, it could  be  well wishes or even friends. Yes, that's what makes it tough. You can't just ignore them. But yet you wish they would take a hint and stop. So what happens if they don't? Either you ask them to. Or being non-confrontational, like me, you may feel the easiest way to get out of the situation is answer them.  Do NOT fall into that trap. Because then they will start pouring their words of wisdom which may frankly feel like nothing more than showers of saliva! And then of course they make you pour out  your poor disturbed thoughts at such times of deadlines....:P

Another definition of love..

Everyone has their own unique definition of love!

Poetry

Poetry only seems to come (at least to me) when it is required. When prose cannot replace it. It is about writing when we want to express but not explain. Like when we need to generalize, blur the reality, create a veil. And sometimes, through that veil, we see a new perspective. Blurring removes the unwanted details while leaving the important parts clear. In that way poetry even helps draw new conclusions, find hope which may have got lost otherwise.

Love-a paradox

Writing a poem after a long long time so it's bound to be a bit rusty.
Here I try to define the "undefinable"....

What is love?
A feeling of stages, oh! so many,
Starting with the first crush,
moving along to the unrequited love,
learning to forget and move on,
tiring of the "it's better to have loved and lost",
shunning it and going through the not required love
curving along to the glassy eyes,
to the "oh so beautiful" new love,
waking with a smile,
jumping along a mile,
all to be with someone for a while.
No dependence, no expectation
only with hope and desire,
until the heart perspires,
wondering if you can depend,
if a lifetime together you can spend.
And we go on to the continual to love,
the day to day smiles,
the talks and the walks,
the sharing life both in joy and strife,
the peace to have succeeded at last.
And then along come the demands
the requests turn into commands,
followed by the expectations and the reprimands
the battles and the "making up".
As cross eyes dissolve to fun sighs
you decide not to command
not to depend, not to demand
until you remember what love to you meant...
...having someone to depend,
while now love also means not to command,
but not to depend, not to demand, 
to loosen the hold,
and yet not to let go.
For love is a seesaw where balance is rare,
a paradox where all seem to define the undefinable,
where all seem to count the uncountable,
And as the moments of angst join the moments of care
we move onto the commitment of love
you realize love is to give,
love is to understand,
to let the other depend,
on being cared even when not able,
to care each time you depend.

Why do I push you

why do i push you

when I wana come closer?

maybe it's bcoz you seem to push too

and i am afraid to pull and fall

But when I push, I bang into the brick wall

of your dwelling, your interior

of which i am kept away and out

maybe you fear i would change it

 maybe you just don't want anyone to be a part of it

or maybe i am just plain wrong

maybe this is not an entrance wall

but an exit to which you escape

maybe its just not a wall at all

but your boundary , your abundance

available to all

but which to me feels a wall

maybe there is  no hidden interior

but there is still hardness which hurts when I push

why do I push?

one day the balance may stumble

and weakened I would crumble.

why do I push?

maybe bcoz that’s what you expect

and that’s how I get you  to react

The post that never was....

I strived to write a post twice. Last night, when I truly felt it, a phone call prevented me from writing. The person was like "I will not let you write it now.." jestingly. It just added to my determination. So this morning, I again got down to it. I felt it less now, a good night's sleep,a steaming cup of tea, a  lavish breakfast will do wonders in changing your perspective. It was going to be the most cynical post written by me till now, you see. And all the more cynical because I was not cribbing. No, I was writing it when I was happy with my life in most respects. It was about oldage and associated misery, middleage and associated responsibilities, changes, lost dreams of childhood, selfish dreams of youth.... I mean what right did I have to enjoy myself  when there was so much misery? You get the idea...the general theme of the post.

And won't you know it? It got deleted this time! I couldn't recover it. I tried to undo but it was gone. And frankly, I could get into the mode to write it again either. By that time, I was in a good frame of mind. Then it struck me that maybe it just wasn't meant to be written. Maybe that's what Discovering Life is all about. You discover a lot but there's no need to share everything, especially  things you yourself don't like it.

Yes, I can still see the miseries as they were. Yes, I still feel bad about them. But that's no reason to feel guilty when a simple joke or a piece chocolate cheers you up. If we were all miserable, who would get us out? Maybe all of us can't do the big things we thought of in childhood about "making the world a better place", but we can make a difference by bringing some smiles. Maybe there are joys lurking for everyone; and when we can't find them for them, maybe it's just because there was joy in not being alone but  having someone look for them with you. And maybe, just for those few moments, that's enough. For us and for them.

A new year, a new winter:)

These days all my posts seem to start with "It's been a while since I last wrote"...blogging is decreasing with time. I observed this trend in the gradual decrease in number of posts since 2008. Maybe there are less thoughts, less time. But I don't think it will end. It's good to have a  space to come back to.  

A new year brings about many changes with it, the first one happening today itself. I started appreciating winters. A casual comment by a friend stating that she had never experienced winters, made me realize how lucky I am to live in a place where I truly experience all seasons.  And I am a convert now! I used to detest winters but this time I felt a charm in the foggy days and even foggier misty nights...

A hot cup of tea, maybe a bite of chocolate or two, a warm 
quilt, a good book and off you go to the wonderland again....
A cold walk warmed by the hands of a loved one...
A bike ride through  foggy misty lights making the world seem as if it belongs to just you two...


Be in it in isolation or be it in company,
 winter certainly seems the way to be...


Many others also seem to share this view.....


There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.  ~Ruth Stout


Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:  it is the time for home.  ~Edith Sitwell


Winter is the time of promise because there is so little to do - or because you can now and then permit yourself the luxury of thinking so.  ~Stanley Crawford




....... winter is certainly all about poetry!
Life changes our perspective. I, who comes alive in sunshine, now enjoy winters also:)

Switch off

There so many situations in life on which we have no control at this stage, changes waiting to happen, life resisting them and it is human tendency to have the self "what if..." discussion.


"What if when I look for a job, there is recession again?"
"What if after I get married and have kids, they hate me because I am too busy for them?"
"What if I get pimples by this chocolate?"
"What if I smile at that guy person whom I know remotely and he doesn't?"
"What if I meet my boss about a doubt and he cancels my leave?"
"What if I buy this color and regret it because the other may look better if in the future I get some other accessories?"
"What if my plane is hijacked?"
"What if I enter the contest, win a prize, and fall flat when going to collect it on stage? "

And no this is not all me, I am just trying to cover the different possibilities.

So what!! 90% of these will probably never happen/not affect us for long if they do/ will happen when we are in a position to handle them.  And  in 99% of the cases, we can do nothing in the present to prevent anything, or actually DO nothing to prevent it. So the only action towards prevention is inaction. But Life can't stop due to fear. So inaction is out the question. Hence the need to switch off. Delay. Especially if it's a long term worry. You will still have time to worry about it in the future but you won't have this present moment back to live then. Take some worry-free time periodically. And throw out some worries periodically. Put them in the "to be handled later" tasklist.

"Life is what happens to us while we are busy making plans."

So lets take time to experience it.

So now I better get back to planning my tasklist!:D

The wait

It's been over a month but the procrastination hasn't ended in many ways. There are times, when we know we are at the end of another chapter of life, at the corner of the road, with or without knowing which way it leads. And it makes us want to wait. Makes us just want to get started on it NOW. Just to know how it is.  It's like when you are a few hours/a day before exams. The preparation may or may not be complete but you are waiting for them to get over. What happens then if suddenly you are told that it has been postponed indefinitely? Or that it may well be a surprise quiz instead of an exam? Unless you are grossly unprepared, you will not like this announcement. You will hate the burden and you will hate the surprise element. The freedom from exams will there and yet not enjoyable because you know it is lurking there somewhere.

And so the procrastination just continues. It may be in the form of  having more experiences, more time for oneself or trying something new.  And that may be good. To have the time to just be.To be able explore your potential, to able to widen your horizons, to be able to get to know yourself better for a change, or even make a few changes. And to keep doing something new means that the spark of excitement burns cheerily in life. But it doesn't change the underlying wait. The need for peace and stability. The need to just know.
And yet, once we do know, all we would want would be to have the excitement back!
It's a vicious circle. What do we humans really want in life, I wonder.

A new start

With this new blog theme, emerges a new hope for a new better, start.
Procrastination has reached highest levels when you ....

• spend more time on your template than actually writing 
• read away old novels not as a break but as the main activity of the day
• when you get stuck but don't think of a way out, but take a break instead
• when you get tired of those supposedly "refreshing" break
• when despite all that, on Sunday night , you start waiting for the next weekend

Of course this list can go on and on....
But that would just increase the procrastination. Sometimes writing helps you get out of that. So lets start with a few random food for thought and see it progresses in the next few posts. These are some quotes from recent readings..newspapers, internet, novels...(sorry too many sources to mention!)....
  

1. It's not a miracle if it doesn't happen when you least expect it. 
 
2. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you have to make it.
 
3. Follow your bliss, don't be afraid and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
 
4. Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent
 
5. Sometimes, you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too, even when you are in the the dark, even when you are falling
 
6. It you allow yourself to dissolve for others, you will be transformed
 
7. Boredom, fear and anger are the reasons a gull's life is so short and with these gone from his life, he lived a long fine life.
 
8. My best friend is one who brings out the best in me
 
9. Too late we learn that a man must hold his friends unjudged, accepted and trusted to the end.
 
10. Good friends must not always be together, it's the feeling of oneness when distant that proves a lasting friendship
 
11. You can always tell a real friend when you've made a fool of yourself and he doesn't feel that you've done a permanent job!

 
12. Freedom is the very criterion that tests whether love is real or not. If love destroys freedom, it is not worthwhile.
 
13. Him that I love, I wish to set free, even from me.
 
14. If equal love there cannot be, let the more loving one be me!

 
15. I believe love and life can't be explained through logic and reason. They just can't. What the heart desires has no reason behind it. At least often not one that can be expressed in words

 
16. The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the others good qualities.

17. Don't be so busy capturing the moment that you forget to live it.
 
18. Great opportunities to help other seldom come but small ones surround us daily

 
19. Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you
 
20. Key to not getting bored is doing things as differently as possible
 
21. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up!

 
22. Dance for yourself. If someone understands, good. If not, go on doing what you love.
 
23. The difference between "ordinary" and "extraordinary " is just a little extra

 
24. The reason why great artists to scientists will work day and night neglecting to eat or sleep is because they are driven by a vision, something just beyond their reach that will not let them rest until they have brought it into reality
 
25. The secret to a rich life is to have more beginning than endings!

As a child I used to cry when someone close left while they would go away sometimes laughing, sometimes with a sympathetic look which felt far worse. Nothing has changed in all these years.  I don't know why. Maybe life is supposed to desensitize you as you grow and when that doesn't happen you get left behind and are kept wondering.