My mother, my first best friend

It is with profound grief that I announce that on 23rd November,  my mother, Mrs. Anuradha Kapoor passed on to her heavenly abode  Here I am penning down some thoughts about her.

My mother was my first best friend. From secrets to gossip to clothes to tea, we shared it all. From coloring books and matching pairs to reading to late night studies, she was always there for me. She was the one who shopped for earrings and stole, who helped me develop a unique sense of style. 

She was the glue that held the entire family together. She took care of us all, grandparents, my dad, myself and the entire family including Adhyayan, our son.

She struggled with a lot but she never complained. She created the most fabulous feasts when we were on foreign postings.  From extended family to our foreign embassy  family to neighbors everywhere, she charmed everyone with her smile, chats, delicious meals and comforting warmth.

She warmed my feet on chilly nights and heart when I was upset.

Cooking was many times her way of caring. Like the way catered to my food whims  during childhood, making chicken soup for grandparents when they were unwell or changing the family diet entirely when my dad lost his kidney.

She was close to all our house-helps across the years and would know all their life details, would take care of them but them gifts, make teas and snacks for them.

She was a modern woman who also valued herself and taught me the same. She enjoyed a good life, good food: within her set standards of discipline!, shopping, going out and celebrating every occasion. She played Dholak on my Sangeet and on our wedding , she was all grins. She looked fabulous.

She used to watch Flintstones with me with gusto equal to my childish wonder and do word search with me when I would be ill. She would tell me Kathas and yet used to love reading Filmfare and Stardust magazines. She introduced me to my first M & B!  And our son to his first nursery rhymes.

I never saw her cry till my dad passed away. She was a brave and strong woman. But she really missed him. It was heartbreaking to see her lose the sparkle in her eyes then. But she tried to hold it together.  She remembered all occasions but Jo was the apple of her eye.  The last thing she ever said to me was to take care of him. And in those last few days, she kept mentioning papaji. I hope and pray that they are reunited above.

Quietly by Becky Hemsley

I missed you quietly today. So quietly that no one noticed.

I missed you as I climbed out of bed and as I brushed my teeth; when I waited at the lights on the drive into work and as I heard the rain outside my window.

I missed you as I ordered lunch and as I kicked off my shoes when I got home; as I switched off the lights and climbed into bed for the night.

I missed you without tears or noise or fanfare.

But oh how I felt it.

I felt it in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and at night. I felt it as I woke, as I waited, as I worked. I felt it at home, on the road, in the light, in the dark, in the rain.

I felt it in every one of those moments, each one sitting heavier and heavier as the weight of me missing you kept growing and growing. 

Yes, I missed you so quietly today.

But I felt it so loudly.

***

**Quietly’ is a newer poem by

Becky Hemsley 2024

Be your own Hero

I read this somewhere and really liked it, enough to make a note: "No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Take care of your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. it’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it."

House of Night : special quotes

These quotes are the ones gave that gave me a little suppport during the toughest time of my time. I couldn't note all the quotes from the entire series as yet but with what I have right now. So here it is, some comfort for grief from the House of Night series. 

House of Night

Betrayed

You couldn't have stopped it. You couldn't have saved her. Nyx didn't let you know it was going to happen because there was nothing you could have done

I think all we can do is take one day at a time.

Death is more difficult if it goes unacknowledged.

And promise that if the worst happens, and some of the rest of us don't make it through, the others won't let them be forgotten

Shaunee, we have to go on. We have to date and be happy and live our lives. Nothing's guaranteed, Stevie Ray's death proved that. We can't waste  the time we've been given. When I said I'd  make sure she was remembered, I didn't mean that we were going to be sad forever. It meant I'd remember the happiness she brought to us and keep her smile close to my heart. Always. 

I'd take my own advice and take one day at a time. One issue at a time.

He was what was important right now, not me and not my need for hysteria.

Sometimes lava, sometimes lego

Sometimes lava, sometimes lego,

Sometimes a flood of emotions flowing like the lava,

Sometimes it's all frozen and tight

Othertimes compact like a lego with pain points, 

Both are mine

Both are painful but divine

Thai travelogue

"The waves of the sea help me get back to me." - Jill Davis.

Destination: Thailand

Places you visited: Phi Phi island, Krabi and Phuket

Best cuisine: Pad Thai noodles and pancakes. Seafood. Spring rolls.

Breathtaking moments: Swimming and snorkelling in the blue green sea at Phi Phi, The Big Buddha, Island hopping in Krabi: the Chicken Island and Tup island (multiple islands connected together at low tide)

One local word that you learnt: Khob khun Kha/Khrap (Thank you) , Swadikha/ Swadikhrap (Hello)

Few Lines about the people there:  There are two kinds of people. The locals and the tourists. Thai people are very polite and hospitable. The tourists are highly carefree. And there are plenty of Indians everywhere

One Must Try / Best Things to Do there: Don’t just do tourist spots. Do something that matters to you. Do drive across cities from Phuket to Krabi. The roads are beautiful, bendy and scenic. A drive across cities shows some awesome views. An island hopping tour in Krabi is a must for a lifetime worth of experiences. Watch the sea merge from blue to green. Yes, the water looks exactly as green as in photos. Snorkel at exotic points. Watch as the sands separate multiple islands at low tide. Stay a while at Phi Phi. It has some amazing resorts and a chance to just experience the beauty of the sea and sands at a relaxed pace. Just walk across the sea and swim with the fishes. Watch the beach expand at low tides and fill up again almost magically the next day.  Do take a long tail boat tour acros some of the islands, maybe even at sunset. Try the Phuket city tour. Don't miss the big Buddha, Chalong temple or Karon viewpoint. Do go to the old market place. Do watch a Thai show and visit a theme park.

Your advice for ‘Essentials to carry’: Lightweight swim suits, coverups, sarong, colorful dresses, sunglasses, sunscreen, slipppers and you are done! 

And books and card games for travel. 

A good internet connection to navigate. And a portable charger. Carry cash and cards. Carry only a little cash a day to avoid stress in touristy places. Where possible, try to prebook and prepay so that there is less to carry or worry about

 Details: 

Plan your travel across cities taking into account the distance across cities, keeping less activity on the first and the last day if you have some days of travelling. We started with Krabi, then moved on to Phi Phi and culminated it at Phuket.

The best part was the clear, green water merging into blue at places. Krabi offers a mix of quaint city life and beaches. It's good for trying street food, getting your hair braided, going shopping and getting a thai massage. Of course keep some time for island hopping. The drive from the airport to Krabi gives you a glimpse of many cities along the mendering scenic roads. Soak in the culture. 

Phi phi is about relaxation and sea life. If you stay in Phi phi, it's worth having less activities planned there and taking things as you go in the flow. Whether it is walking across the lowtides, snorkelling or seeking a sunset spot. The resorts are fabulous. Try a high end one and bask in the luxury and thai hospitality with a sea view everywhere. Lie on a hammok and feel the waves gently brush you by. Eat a pizza at the beach! Eat seafood. Swim with a view of the sea. Click pics worth a lifetime of memories.

While in Phi Phi is travellers can rest their weary souls, Phuket is for explorers. The best way to get to know thai culture in a short time in to plan a city tour. Visit temples, the factories, the outworldly experience of Big Buddha and of course sop by many scenic viewpoints in between. Go to old city for shopping and bargaining. Do book a show experience Thailand's mini fantasy world at Fantasea or similar other enteryainment units. For the more adventurous there are also many waterparks. I loved Phuket's old market's structure and Big Buddha. It was special to hear the history of the monks of Chalong temple. We had our first honey ice cream and loved it at the bee keeping place. Having twisted my foot at Phi Phi, I could only hobble along in Phuket but it didn't frop me from the Big Buddha climb. At the rest of the places, I enjoyed the serenity of the environment.

When you are travelling alone or in a small group, it's  completely ok to custom-plan based on the experiences you want to take back rather than standard tours. But it may just make sense to stretch a little more and see a little more. Generally 1-2 landmark points a day is good, keeping  a buffer day in each city.

Lastly, it's not only about the sea but the water does leave one spellbound and it calls back to the soul to come back to it just as we did, after 12 years. The second trip left us just as in awe as the first one. While the first was a getting to know, the second built deeper into the connections without a hint of disappointment.

World Cup and leadership

With the world cup fever at its peak, recently I was rewatching the movie '83 with family. Besides the glorious game, I was very interested in the way the PM used cricket world cup to divert the people away from riots. The way team work and people management was carried out within the team either by the captain keeping faith in his team or the communication of the batsmen strategizing how they would play together in a mutually beneficial manner. Finally it's all about understanding people happiness. Whether it's at political levels, sports teams or in an organization or any other team. It's not so much about management but understanding what delights and inspires the people.

Comfortzone

Comfortzone is like a pair of old, worn  pajamas...nothing beats it but ultimately we have to leave it for our own good :)

Motherhood Management

This Mothers Day as I sat down and reflected, I realized yet again that the 9-10 year olds are much more 

mature these days. They are pretty independent individuals and thus require a different level of 

parenting than their previous generation. Maybe this changes in each generation or maybe this has 

changed more in recent years with the technological advancements being exponential. This made me 

realize that motherhood of a nearly preteen has its similarities to leading a semi experienced team.

While we are their primary carers and the love of parents transcends all bonds, here I talk primarily in 

terms of their education and extra curricular responsibilities and how they require a nurturing and 

motivational environment for their growth just like our team members. Here’s how:

1. They both need their own space and some time to think and try things on their own. 

2. Micromanagement doesn’t help.

3. They need a little direction to utilize their strengths to the best possible way and take up the

right opportunities. This could be in the choice of subjects or right projects.

4. In case of mistakes, they need a little patience and understanding and some kind of disaster 

management. Later on a discussion on how to avoid them in the future. Mostly they already 

take ownership and definitely don’t need blame games.

5. Timelines are helpful as are goal settings.

6. The clearer the communication regarding timelines and goals, the better. The more well 

defined, the better.

7. Brainstorming together is helpful in case of a new challenge. 

8. Having a routine helps. Be it school or fixed weekly and daily meetings.

9. Some autonomy is helpful. As is some togetherness. 

10. Sometimes it’s good to have fun together.

Leadership has no age

Recently our 9 year old son was chosen to be the School Marshal at his school. It was an extra proud moment to witness the Investiture ceremony from the front row seats reserved in his name and see the young ones taking their oaths so solemnly. Within days, I saw a change in his sense of responsibility be it in punctuality or managing the class. When he was recommended for his leadership skills in his report card, I was happy but surprised. What leadership skills could such young ones home? But then right through the application process till date, I have witnessed leadership at student level. From the way he carries himself, helps fellow students and teachers at his own initiative to the shine in his shoe which he ensures. The school plans to have leadership camps to help hone these skills further. Looking forward to this new journey for the young one. It has proven to me that that there is no age to learn but also no age for leadership.

Midlife Crisis

Recently I felt kind of goalless, in every direction and a bit empty. I realized I looked for happiness within those close to me and those aspects where we intersected but not in myself. After a bit of analysis, I realized that these were symptoms of mid-life crisis. 

The old goals stopped making sense and looking there did not lead to happiness. I needed to look for new reasons to find my bliss. It wasn't about major changes but about taking care of myself in everyday life. Sometimes grief of losing a family member affects even more with time. It grows heavier when you realize you need to keep carrying forever. So one needs to unload, take a break and redistribute it so that it is bearable. This redistribution requires one to look for new reasons to smile. Some of us may start a new book, a new series, a new hobby, walks, visiting new places, talking to old friends.  Or just curl up in your shell till you realize what you need. Changing an aspect of routine. Changing your style. Slowly redefining yourself. It is different for everyone. It may not happen at once. Each one of us will have our own pace as we move beyond it to the next phase.

LOTR vs Harry Potter

Recently I saw the LOTR series and revisited the Harry Potter series. I was yet again drawn to the similarities between the two and differences and ommissions from book.

The differences and similarities of different stories to the book with require its own series of blog posts, will do that some other time.

For now, I will focus on the similarities between the two series:

1. Friendship plays an important role: be it Frodo and Samwise or Harry, Ron and Hermoine. 

2. Or even Merry and Pip vs Fred and George. These two even seem similar in chatacters: pranksters yet loyal and important.

3. Nightriders and Dementors: they are creatures which are neither dead or alive and suck all joy and bring out a coldness. They can make a person worse tgan dead.

4. Gandalf vs Dumbledore. The wizened powerful wizards  who are mentors to protagonists even look so similar.

5. Sauron vs Voldemort: both are dark wizards gone wrong who don't have their own form and fullpower and are trying to regain it. Both are severely feared and manipulative. Both are too powerful even in their formless form.

6. The ring vs the locket horcrux: it changes the nature of the person. It sucks the power out of the person and tries to take control over the person. 

7. Protagonists need to destroy the  sources of power of these dark wizards and embark tough journeys for the same.

8. Gollum vs Kreacher: similar looking elves.

The two classics are very different of course but have sufficient similarities to feel that maybe the origins of Harry Potter started with LOTR. 

The fault in our stars and others and their side effects

Some books demand to be read just as "pain demands to be felt". This is one such book. The first time I read it, I  loved it. I felt it was a masterpiece. It started on this genre of youngadult bools. Especially medical ones. I hunted them for years and devored them. Some such ones:

1.  The fault in our stars ( we already know this but it has to be included in the list)

2. Five feet apart, 

3. Everything Everything, 

4. All the bright places, 

5.The Sun is also a star

6. Midnight Sun.

7.Eleanor and Park

8. The girl with the nine wigs.

The last one is bit different because it is true. It is a memoir. So special. 

But to me they are also special. All characters come alive.

But "The fault is our stars" the most. It makes you emphathise. 

Before reading the next time, I watched the movie and loved it utterly. I loved how true it was to the book and how beautifully it portrayed the characters.

The next time I read the books years later, it felt being hit by a speeding train. I was stunned by the force of it. I read the book. I highlighted quotes. I watched the movie again. And for a final touch. I read " The Imperial Affliction." The version which I liked the most. Maybe not most accurate one but the fun one.

Can a book have such hold on you? Even after reading so many books, it is a rare experience. But yes, sometimes a book demands that you just stop everything and think about it. It can even literally put you in bed or (pull you put of it) for a while.

I remember experiencing it the first time I read Harry Potter (part1 and then againin part 5 and 6).

This is not the same feeling as not knowing what to read next ( which is a milder side effect). This is not even an overwhelming sense of loss of the characters or of finishing an awesome book. That happens. This is when somehow the characters pull you within and after it is over, you need to pay homage to them as you contonue to feel a bit bewildered while returning to the living world.

The diary of Anne Frank: a review

This is a classic book which everyone should read. As a child I read the abridged version but this complete was very different. In the years, my perspective also changed for this book. The abridged version seemed more about the way Anne and how her family managed their life and food rations within an enclosed space and also an emerging friendship between Anne and Peter which the family found amusing. I loved it. I also loved this version but for very different reasons.  This version is more about a teenage girl coming to age and how she deals with internal and external changes. I see similarities between the families hiding in enclosure and  initial covid days. Of course minus the discrimination. One relates to the way Anne craves for fresh air, going out, for company and then also for solitude. It goes on to show Anne growing over a period of time. It shows her as a typical teenager struggling with her parents, the generation gap, initial attraction, exploring the unknown and discovering her sensuality. Would not recommend this complete version for kids below 12.

It may seem darker to them. But would highly recommend it for mid teenagers and above and their parents.  It goes on to show her maturing and changing her perspective over the years.  Loved it for its complete complexities and slight darker edge though. This is a book worth absorbing.

Life comes a full circle

Life seems to have come a full circle these days, right back from my childhood times. That time I was a child, now my son is. I am reminded vividly of those times, especially visits to my Naani's place. It was the best place in world to me then. I am still reminded of sitting on her lap and eating the gol boti (mutton) while she regaled tales from her childhood. Those times remind me strangely of today's scenario and the way life has come back the full circle, though weirdly. Then, the house and neighbourhood itself was very safe where literally everyone knew everyone so no doors were ever locked. It was safe for children to play outside. Today also, within societies it is safe for children to play outside their homes, though noone knows each other. That time, my naani used to call out from her terrace or call up shop keepers whenever she would fancy a kulfi or jalebi. Being the friendly neighbouhood, anything under the sun was available to her at a moments notice. She knew not just the first name but the latest details of all shopkeepers and their families. Today again, we have the shopping world in our fingers tips through different "instamarts". A press of a finger and we receive the order within 15 minutes from milk to gourmet cheesecake. But we care the least to know which shop it was sourced from, let alone the delivery boy's name.

Strange coincidences across the generations. The world grew smaller as we grew apart. 

Somethings that did not change. The love. The people. I lost my naani around similar age as my son lost his nana (my dad). They each dotted their grandchildren similarly and played a significant role in their lives and even fed them similarly. The affection and memories remain. The outer world changed its way of communicating but the hearts that are connected communicate similarly.

Maybe the future will again complete a full circle where we will again know the first names of those around us and call out instead of whatsapping or pinging.

The booklist

A recent book I read had a booklist which people started following. It was strewn all over in different places and reached different people in different walks in their and across generations. It inspired me to create my own list. If I had to create a list of my own which I would want to recommend to just anyone, it would be the one below. This has something for everyone: classics, humour, traditional, modern, positivity, darker, thriller, young adult, alightly philosopical/ words of wisdom kind of books. Together the list is balanced and covers different aspects of life and a plethora of emotions and incidently contains all my favourites. It was hard to restrict myself to so few. I wanted a list of 10 but could stop only after this 18. I hope this list also reaches someone in need to reading a good book or who wants to start reading.

1. Little Women

2. Heidi

3. The secret garden

4. Polyanna

5. A little princess

6. The book thief

7. Just as long as we are together: Judy blume

8. Anne of Avonlea

9. Speedpost

10 And then there were none

11. Coma

12. The fault in out stars/five feet apart

13. The Brethen

14. The undomesticated goddess

15. Who moved my cheese

16. Tuesday with Morrie/The last lecture

17. Chicken soup for the teanage soul

18. Mallory towers/ any one Enid Blyton book

I miss my dad

I miss/missed my papaji,

When I awake up in the morning

When the city opened up

When corona cases decreased

When corona cases increased

When we drink tea

When I got a cold

When I wanted chocolates

When I was awarded at office

When something went wrong in office

When Diwali was impending

When it was Diwali

When the last year with him ended

When the new year when I would never see him started

When Lohri was impending

When it was Janamashtmi

When I just wanted to talk

When the workday ended

When Lata Mangeshwar passed away

When Shane Warne passed away

When the war started

When it was my late grandparents' birthday

When the little one did well

When the little one looked like him

When I look in my mum's eyes

When my husband remembers him

When we eat fruit

When we talk to family

When anyone loses anyone close

When I see some parent with their child even on TV

When I read or look at my bookshelf

When I dream of him

When I remember the dreaded day

When my heart palpitates

When I am confused

When I need advice

When I sit in the on the couch where I would talk to him

When I am on the road

When I walk

When I listen to old songs

When I think of his or my impending birthdays

When something good happens

When something bad happens

When I look in the mirror

I miss him, everyday.

The normal stuff

A new year does deserve a new post. But I have been in a writer's block for a while now so just going to go with the flow. This is not my first post of the year. But this did start as that. 

This time the New Year did not bring about the same joy so it was difficult write a post of a new start. Sometimes we don't want to let go of what is getting left behind with the past.

Sometimes new beginnings are not about wanting everything to be different and new and stretching oneself. Sometimes it's just a booster to continue to the next right step. Sometimes that's all that we can do. And it's enough.

As I often mention, normalcy is underrated. There is great value in our routine. A normal family evening or weekend. We just need to realize that.  The power of salt over the overrated spices. The power of comfort food over highly acclaimed dishes. A walk in the sunlight. The feel of the morning wintery air. A parents' care. A loved one's touch. The softness and trust of a child. The belogingness to a set of people or a firm. A reassuring snore. A much used blanket. 

 So this year, lets cherish some of that underrated yet so precious normal stuff.

Grief by Gwen Flowers

Grief doesn't go away. It just dims enough for you to continue daily stuff and then pops up to remind you that it never left you. It is there not just in all the big moments but also in missing small daily conversations, some shared word, a sweet memory or just the onset of a morn. To me, it brings about a feeling of being unteethered. The loss of a validation of all I do. The direction of life. The constant refrain of a question that now can life ever get better or is apex lost with the person.

This poem by Gwen Flowers brings out this do clearly so am jotting it down here.

Grief

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I’m learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself –

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new dimension of self.

by Gwen Flowers

Papaji's homeopathy gyan

My grandfather had studied homoepathy. We followed his medicines. Then my dad carried on rhe legacy. For 90% of ailments, he had those drops which he would put in a swig of water and make me take. And I would be ok again. He was my family doctor. Recently he would often repeat the most commonly used medicines and ask me note them. I didn't. And now I do in my attempt to continue the legacy.  These are just some basic medicines in case of minor ailments but very effective

1. R1: sore throat, swelling of throat or other swellings. 10-12 drops every 15minutes.

2.R6: flu like symptoms. 10-12 drops every 15minutes. Can be alternated with R1.

3. Kali Phosphoricum: Anxiety and stress. 4 tablets thrice a day

4. Influenzinum: prevention of flu. 2 drops directly on the tongue every day for 5 days and then every week. Or 10 drops in water.

5. Hephur sulph: cold like symptoms

6. Aconite: sudden flu like symptoms , also anxiety

7. Selenium: for gaining strength. 7-8 or less drops thrice a day or less.

8. Alleraid: sinus. 1 tablet thrice a day

9.Carbo vegetalis: oxygen. 2-3 drops thrice a day, also gatric discomfort.

10. Verat alb: low BP, vommitting

11. Arsenic alb: burning in stomach

12. R55: Injuries, broken bones. Only thrice a day. 10 drops? 

13. Pulsatilla Nigricans: loss of smell. 10 drops in water thrice a day

14. Kali bichrome: Stomach fullness, gas, sinus, ear ache. 4 drops in water thrice a day.