Wednesday, February 03, 2010

PhD -The Rollercoaster Begins

This is going to be a tough. PhD does try its best to turn you into a geek. It's almost like a physical transformation and each day, I see it in amazement and then I revolt!

Let me give an instance. It's been a little over two weeks since I got back from a 10 days intensive workshop. And today I felt frustrated because I haven't done any concrete research till now! It's not as if haven't been working but at the same time it's not as if I have either! There's a lot " extra work" which doesn't really fall under any concrete category. What's weird is how I secretly felt glad and proud to have been given it so I could have a chance to "learn" instead of resenting the take over of my free time.

It's been the other way round. I resent free time in a way. I go out to enjoy and I come back and feel guilty and upset that I didn't give that time to work when there's so much I "want" to do. One (or rather any geek) would wonder why I go out then at all. Because I want to. I want to remain NORMAL and remain ME.

And what I see around me people enjoying their lives. And I realize that I can't just wait because by the time I am out of here , I will be ancient. Already I feel old. Recently I saw a typical MBA group working. In the field where they went so that they could "make noise" and discuss. And that was their assignment. Sometimes that is it. With no exams!!!

And here I snap if anyone gets me a little late. I seem to make life hell for close ones. This is now. What happens later? I see married people giving "home" priority over work. And sometimes I just can' imagine myself doing that. Study is not just work. It's a form of meditation. It's sometimes even sacred. And it takes over life.It's like being married to work. And I feel guilty for what this would do to someone close. Is the only alternative to remain alone? I don't want that.

For a few moments I wondered why I am doing all this. Then I realized..I enjoy it. Hell! Heaven! It's all here. It's my life. It's the only place I belong. I could never exchange it for any amount of "fun" or any high paying job.

But yes, I do also want to enjoy, love and relax. And I WILL.
So.................................. minors and deadlines get nearer...............I blog! And look for time management techniques! Maybe the best one is not to think at ALL.


Ankur said...

I think your tittle itself makes it clear what you are feeling ... Rollercoaster.... we feel fear we feel thrill actually we are willing to even pay for fear becaus we know later we will enjoy the feeling of conquering our fear ... similarly in PhD (any curriculum for that matter)you may be over burden with work but I feel in the back of all this stress there is feeling of success and achievement which is good enough to take such pains... it may not be feasible but try to enjoy your work because that is something you wanted it so much

aditi said...

That's what I try to remind myself ...bcoz I am still in exactly the same phase!