Grieving: a restructuring of life

Grieving is a different process for all of us. Recently I realized that it's very different from the regular tough times. In those times, one tries to overcome or wait out a time after which things become ok or at least that is the hope.

Here, there is no such hope. One can't ever get out of the situation. It is more like a chronic disease or a disability. It never goes away, one has to learn to live with it. One has to rewire oneself, restructure life and then just wait to get used to the pain, the change till it is part of every day life. One can never overcome. One can just learn to bear it. And live with it. 

Papa ke nuskhe

This is my first father's day without my father in this world. Parents teach us everything right as we enter this world so. How to say the first word, how to take the first step and then the in betweens and the 'thereafters'.  Here I list out just some of those vital lessons my dad imparted to me. Please excuse the random order (due to randomness of state of mind ). They are varied enough but in no ways complete. Just a small snapshot  which I wanted to record and keep.

1. Eat healthy

2. Eat fruits

3. Drink hot water, green, tea

4. Eat healthy veggies. All colors.

5. Practise homeopathy wherever possible.

6. Chicken curry/soup cures all ailments/weaknesses.

7. Walk. Don't  neglect  Yoga/exercise/meditation

8. Always follow rules

9. Be extra careful

10.  Be patient. No needless arguments.

11. Studying is the key to success.

12. Enjoy the finer things of life

13. Dressing style matters. Dress with dignity.

14. Travelling is good.

15. Family is foremost.

16. He perfected balancing family and work life.

17. Care and know more about those around you : be it workers, friends or colleagues.

18. Help those in need.

19. It doesn't hurt to tip.

20. Be careful what you post on social media.

21. Music: I grew up listening to him sing. Always. Even when recovering,he kept music close to him.

22.  Don't forget to lighten up things

23. There's always room for tea with family.

24. Speak with confidence.

25. Work with sincerity but don't hesitate to show your work or speak up for yourself.

26. He always stood out. I don't know how.

27. It's actually possible to have 20-50 absolutely close friends.

28. No controversy ever anywhere.

29. Be considerate of all others, even neighbours.

30 Know the  names of your help.

31.  Stay updated on news.  He was my news channel.

32. Cleanliness.

33. Declutter

34. Use the good cutlery now. Don't wait for a special occasion. Today is that occasion.

35. However, special occasions are worth the celebrations

36. Keep contacts handy and think all possibilities of things which can go wrong also so that you can have the safety net ready. The embassy everywhere was an extended family.

37. Keep learning and trying new things. New technology.

38. Friends are gems in oldage.

39. Destress.

40. Adequate sleep.

41. Choose the right for the kid at every age.

42. Keep in touch with not just their teachers but also the Head.

43. There's no such thing as too many toys for kids

44. Extra patience with mummy.

45. Create memories.

46. Keep in shape.

47. Eat  yogurt, eat salad.

48. Birthday cards and gifts, chocolates, cakes are not overrated.

49. Don't  make noise at night. People sleep. This one is tough with a kid!

50. You alone are enough, sufficient to be responsible.

51. Go out and take ownership.

52. Be alert.

53. The peace and calmness of mountains.

54. The touch of sand on the beach.

55. Feeding birds and squirrels in sunlight, in a park, in the middle of the week. Because thats what ypur family needs. This is a memory closest to my heart, of my childhood.

56. Childhood never ends if you have parents.

57. Let go of the worrisome stuff.

58. Footwear matters.

59.  Words matter. Check and recheck.

60. The confidence of public speaking: believe that you are the only expert on required subject matter.

61. There's always time for family.

62. Keep kitchen clean. Always.

63. Celebrate all festivals fully.

64. Maintain your decorum in all situations.

65. Quality and brand matters. Be old school in those.

66. Have flax seeds, walnuts.

67. The importance of cross ventilation.

68. Less maggi.

69. He gave me my strength by his sure, strong and constant backing.

70. That I am so very loved.

71. Use a little oil at the end of kneading to avoid jagged edges on rotis.

72 Finally, that  I will be ok. Because he was finally. Eventhough he was as shocked and devasted when my grandfather passed away.

Famous books in which key characters lost their parent/parents

Famous books in which key characters lost their parent/parents

1.The little princess

2. The secret garden

3. Heidi

4. Harry Potter

5. The railway children

6. Nancy Drew

7. Rebecca of Sunnybrook

8. Pippa

9. Emily of new moon

10. Anne of green gables. Paul, Davy, Dora also, in the same series.

Yes, these were all children. But then we are all children for our parents.

Dos and don'ts when talking to a grieving person/family

Recently it has been of great comfort to talk to/message close ones. It is in these hard times that one either closes down completely or leaks words. For me it is the latter. The silence is still too scary.

I also noticed how uncomfortable it is for people to talk in such tough, grieving times. And I remember how it used to similar for me earlier. I used to wonder what to say to people when there are no words which can help. Well, being at the other end, I decided to form a list of pointers which may help those trying to make that phone call:

1. Do call them up if your hesitation is between calling and not calling. If possible, give a few days unless you are extremely close and needed by them.

2. Don't make them relive that moment  to satisfy your curiousity unless they seem to want to. It's ok to ask what happened but don't probe. They will have to repeat this over and over again and keep reliving those moments again and again.

3. Don't dwell into the why's of what happened. It's extremely painful. And it won't help anyone.

4. Especially don't dwell into what you feel could have been done. The grieving family would have done and probed every inch of possibility and its beyond aggravating to have to explain that to any third person. 

5. Do call back if they are not able to answer your phone. They are not ignoring you, just sad or busy in rituals or in another zone.

6. Remember any small help you can do is manifolds at that time. It could be simply the act of calling regularly while they stabilize or some small practical help.

7. Do share any good memory you have of the person. It provides a lot of comfort to relive memories together.

8. Don't freak out if they start crying. It is natural, they can't help it.

9. Don't try small talk. It's too early to hear about the world going by normally.

10. Instead try any words that give strength. Maybe remind them of any tough time you or they overcame. It tends to give a little hope.

11. Finally, don't worry if you don't have words. It's ok. There are no right words. Just being there and being kind is enough. Grief is a very lonely place. It helps to have a hand or some hands to hold onto, someone to talk to.

My father: the complete man

It is with profound grief that I announce that on 1st June,  my father, Mr. Rajesh Kapoor passed on to his heavenly abode  Here I am penning down some thoughts about him.

How do you describe a person who represented your whole life? There was a Raymond advertisement a few years ago : the complete man. That was my father. The complete man. In style, personality, kindness and relations.

In my childhood, I saw him being the perfect son. Every  single weekend, we  would visit my grandparents. He would be there for them for all occasions good and bad. 

I saw him being a wonderful brother and husband as I grew up.

And we come to me.  

I, being the only child was extra special to him. He took me for all exams, interviews. Every single one, even MTech, PhD and interviews! And he would wait there. He encouraged me to study, to work. He motivated me. He was my guide, adviser, doctor, teacher, friend, role model and so much more.

He had so many close friends: close, so very close. He knew exactly what each his kids did and where they wete settled and then the little anecdotes which he would regale. He would give advise to all regarding health, career and education. 

He was a retired IFS officer who was very dedicated to his work and an exceptional orator and leader. He travelled the world and touched the hearts of people everwhere. He was there to set up the first embassy in South Africa when apartheid ended. He took us all over the world: Canada, Bangladesh, South Africa, Mauritius, USA and in between. He has friends everywhere.

He was loved amongst  friends, colleagues, neighbours. He knew  all guards, workers and their families. He would switch off the RO at night so that the old neighbours would not get disturbed! 

He of course was never old. He learnt the latest video games from my son and played. 2 years ago trecked to Lal Tibba in Mussourie with us.

He loved our child, his granchild and took care of him. He would bring from school, wait while he played and then take for all kinds of juices: coconut water, sugarcane juice and others. He helped him cycle and raced with him.

He somehow always made time for all: family and friends and never once was busy for me. He was a giver, adviser and doer. He loved music, homeopathy and astrology.

He was stylish and loved all good things of life. He was fun, funny and full of energy. 

On his last day, he talked to so many friends, happily mentioning that he would walk soon and meet them.

He is missed so very much.

No right age to lose a parent

Is there a right age to losing a parent/parents? We all know that the death of all who are alive is inevitable. Yet, it shocks and grieves us. The level of shock depends on the suddenness and nature of passing away. The grief depends on the closeness.

It leaves us isolated and desolate and inconsolable. Is there a right age? It's not childhood when we don't even know love or the world. We need them to show us what love means, what life means. It's not youth, when we need maximum guidance and direction. It's not the stage when finally things somewhat settle down and we begin to become almost like friends to them as we get along and understand them so much better. It's not middle age, when we have had them and depended on them all of our huge life. And it's not old age when the shock and grief is so much harder to bear than our aged body and mind can handle.

There is no right age to lose a parent. Yet it happens. And it breaks the heart as nothing else can till then. It dims life's joys and the ability to look forward.

I am not OK

There was a challenge to write a post titled "I am not OK". What better time than now with COVID infection.

I have lost the sense of smell and taste. Literally, no sense of any smell and taste. I put on cream and nothing. Soap, nothing. Even with perfume. It started with me not liking chips. Well, sometimes, pringles can be a little off I thought. But when I couldn't even taste a mango, I realized there was something wrong. It felt bland, slightly sweet but no flavour and tang. And that is how my life continues. Flavorless.

Corona has weird effects. There is the tiredness. On days, actually several times a day, it's tough to get up from lying position to drink water but the throat keeps drying. A trip to the washoom or kitchen is exhauting enough to demand the rest worth of a few kms walk.

Why a walk to the kitchen some may wonder. Well, when corona hits the family, one stills needs to cook and clean. It is not a break. Except from easy breathing. Easy reading. Easy anything.

For days, lights troubled. I couldn't tolerate the glare of any light.  I couldn't read. And I read a book a day.

Any day. Every day. Until suddenly it hurt to roll eye balls. Reading and grasping became beyond me. I saw just words. I couldn't even read sitcom brief descriptions on the TV.

Then there have been the bouts of crying. Full blown wailing and crying. For the fears. For me. For family. For the isolation. For no reason. Corona brought about a weird sense of depression which kind of continues. It's too easy to cry. Too tough to sleep. The weird insomnia continues. I need to see broad day light to fall asleep now. Darkness brings about too many lurking shadows. 

Now there is also a haziness around my brain and ENT. I can hear very little and process just as much. The rest goes off in a fog of haze. If I hear 5 fast sentences from my son, I have to ask him to slow down. I forget terms. Does a person remain fully functional after the fever dies does in corona? No. Not by far. Do they ever become fully functional again/ when does that happen. I have yet to find out. That haze around my head, throat, eyes, ears and nose persists and wantomly entangled any of these into not functioning.

So I am not ok. Not right now.  No excuses. No niceties. Just the bland truth to go with bland corona times.

Go away Corona times!

This is to record where life has taken us all with the hope that some day this will seem unbelievable, like a fable.

There are no beds in Delhi hospitals. And where people are admitted, some have died due to lack of oxygen.

No oxygen! Finally we have come to stage where easy breathing is slowly becoming a luxury.

Last year, mostly the most vulnerable were getting infected and becoming seriously ill. The motto was "If you go, you may be ok but you may infect someone vulnerable close to you". Now even the healthy are getting hospitalized. Last year, people feared getting hospitalized/quarantined. Now people are fearing for their lives. Last year, lockdown was  novelty, a challenge to overcome. Right now it really does not matter whether lockdown opens or not. People are too busy in isolation and struggle for survival to go out.

Gone are the days when the common cold was a bit less common. Now it can be lethal. Families are isolating themselves because of it. Parents from kids, partners from each other and in some cases different members get isolated in different rooms. This is to isolate and fight the virus. We are isolated yet together in this fight. 

When it seemed like a last stretch, started a new journey with its own set of new challenges. We reminsce pre-covid times. Someday, there will be a time post-covid. When the world will be mask free again. When gatherings will be happy. Travelling fun. And cold, just a 2 days rest for the body.

We have probably all dreamt of high-tech society. Flying cars maybe. Robots as slaves. And of course driverless cars are in a way here. But for now, let us all come together and pray for the populace to be able to breathe easy. And then we can all hug our loved ones freely again.

What color am I?

The hues of sunset

The tints of baby shells

The soft hint which shows on baby cheek and feet

The color of blush

And skin warming with a rush

The color that lies between the ears of so many animals newborn

A color from early morn

A fight to nothingness

I fought to be heard,

I fought to talk,

I fought for freedom and breathing space,

I fought for companionship,

I fought for all that was important to me.

I fought mightily,

I fought all,

And now there is noone, nothing.

I am nothing.

As my nothingness dissolves into open space,

The world continues at its regular pace.

I wonder why I fought at all,

I wonder what I fought as I look at the empty space.

This women's day, acknowledge the individual

A woman is not a supporting role. She is not there to be a mother, daughter or wife, she is an individual with her own life. Who may need a man in a supporting role just as vice versa. Her purpose in life is to fulfill her destiny, not that of the people around. Though she may choose to do so if that brings her joy. But it is her choice. Or rather it is supposed to be. 

So, this women's day, wish women but not in the context of any relation but as individuals. That by itself is enough. Acknowledge that she can be self sufficient. 

Lessons from "The Lego Movie"

Recently I saw " The Lego Movie" which my son had been longing to watch. An animation movie which turned out to contain pearls of leadership wisdom. It was the kind of movie which made me immediately take notes which I am sharing below.

It's protagonist is Emmet, this worker who believes in following rules and tries his hardest to fit in by being as "normal" as possible. He forgets to be himself and is only remembered as the "yes" guy when he gets lost. However, when he is told he is special, he achieves wonders. There is a powertug between the imaginators who want to create with freedom but are derisive about rules and the ruler who wants everything to stay as is to the extent of glueing everything together. I will not add more to avoid spoilers. Watch to see how it finally turns out!  Here are some special thoughts from this special movie:

• Everyone is special, interesting and extraordinary if they believe so. Tell them, they may not have heard it before

• It is not necessary to micromanage

• But the rules and process are necessary

• Invention and imagination go hand in hand

• But teamwork is necessary for implementation and that requires a process

• There is no need to be rigid like glue, one needs to adaptable

• Unexpected people can create great things is they are given a chance

• We shouldn’t lose our individuality to fit in

• Instead of looking superficially positive, sometimes just be honest.

• Normalcy is underrated

• It’s possible to learn from anyone

• It’s good to just play at times

The pink fairy with the iron sword

"Lets harvest the smiles and success of the previous year and sow the seeds of nascent, fanciful dreams for the year ahead"

Happy New Year (being January, it still holds for me!)

After long last, I fulfilled a long term dream! With all your good wishes, I finally published my poetry book. 

This book is titled "The pink fairy with the iron sword".

Description: This is a collection of poems across a decade depicting the life cycle of a woman from teenage to womanhood to motherhood. The hope ebbs and rises and the maturity of writing changes throughout the chapters as we proceed chronologically. It depicts the balance of the pinkness of the femininity with the strength of the iron sword which are all held together with a tinge of magic which we all have within us.

It is a collection of poems reflecting various stages in a woman’s life from teenager to motherhood. An attempt has been made to touch upon diverse experiences visualizing about a decade long typical journey of a woman. It dwells upon her joys and sorrows, dreams and fears, achievements and failures, pleasures and pains, desires and disappointments, mental conflicts, and their resolution.

The poems have been written in a sublime manner to stir the imagination of the reader to appreciate these stages of femininity. The journey takes you through the dreamy, dreadful stages to a stage of fulfilment encompassing her childhood, academic journey, career, youth and finally motherhood.

The poems symbolize the dilemma of an ambitious woman who faces the pressures of academic excellence coming in the way of her desire to lead a carefree life. The poems also bring out the inherent fragilities of a woman in her day-to-day life and how she resolves to overcome the challenges of a male dominated society to emerge triumphant in her career and life.

Words about the book: "Once you pick up this book, you have an insatiable appetite to finish it, just like a racy and juicy novel. She is a significant signature in the eminent list of Indian writers in English language. Her poems force you to think about the endless aspects of life. Her unique style is awe inspiring. She is destined to soar higher and higher and touch every heart. Readers shall want more; such is the force of her writings. "

As readers, you have already gotten a preview of some poems, do book your copy today for the complete list.

Link on Amazon: https://www.amazon.in/dp/B08RBFT426/ref=cm_sw_r_wa_apa_L5f6Fb9A3Y3WR?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

 A journey has started. A tiny step in a new direction, looking forward to moving ahead with leaps and bounds.

Freedom will come again

For all those captive to 2020 Pandemic, the freedom will come again,

Freely we will walk and swing,

Our footsteps in their tempo unrushed but with a spring, 

Out in the open and closed spaces we will all be,

Full of giggles, fun and glee,

All food cravings will be satisfied,

The need to travel, shop, roam about gratified,

In the meanwhile, we have the best of worlds at a glance,

Home and family time as never before so utilize this chance,

Give family games, long talks, family cooks and sing alongs their due time while you can,

Before normalcy again falls into place and life rushes past and you start longing for a pause.

Spend some with yourself too,

Hone your skills if you want,

Or just read, paint, dance or rest a while,

Don't wait it out, make the best of this new normal with a smile.

Too many goals

What does one do when there

are too many goals, too many wishes, the need to expand too wide? 

Should one tell ones passion to subside?

Or certain hobbies hide

Or by normalcy abide?

Where in the norms do you reside?

What do you when pulled you are in conflicting directions?

How to address the minds fluctuations?

Pandemic 2020: Work from home practices

Team Practices

• Have daily calls with your team

• Meetings towards the start and end of normal working hours encourages the team maintain similar timings 

• Over-communicate in initial stages to make sure there is clarity

• It is always good to ask the person on the other side of the line if they can talk when you call. Or better still, fix times for calls as far as possible.

• Utilize technology for better communications. Video calls work well. Screen sharing helps.

• Get to know your team members 'environment and see how best they can be helped. Sometimes even listening helps.

• Create some lighter moments through virtual games, general discussions or sharing some interesting thoughts. It can just be a short 15 minute exercise when possible. We as a team share an interesting thought by rotation everyday. The other day we played a 15minute virtual hangman, it was enjoyed by all.

•  Have detailed discussions with subteams and encourage team members to work in subgroups and continue discussions within them.

• It helps when team members self declare productivity. They add their key tasks and productivity percentage everyday. Enter yours as well in the same folder. In the beginning, reminders for calls and entering tasks may be required

• Above all, trust them, they won't suddenly change due to work from home. Similar time taken for similar tasks also prove the same.

Individual practices

• Maintain the same working hours as far as possible

• Have more calls

• Keep buffer for setting up

• Keep a fixed workspace

• Take regular short breaks. Tea, lunch, a short walk even in the house or light exercises

• Find ways to make it more fun

• Keep some time without calls, when you can just focus on the task at hand 

Pandemic 2020 lessons

By the end of this, we will learn:

1. The value of food

2. Ways to utilize all kinds of food items and ways to cook with minimal items and maximize its longlasting power

3. How to cook. That is one skill all will most probably take away from this.

4. The same for various other daily items. We will probably not waste things after this 

5. Rationing of items

6. Value of work and going out

7. Value of a walk and fresh air, rainy days, cold days, sunny days. 

8. Innovative ways to entertain kids

9. Innovative ways to work from home, maximize team time.

10. How all of us are the same and under similar circumstances

11. Innovative ways to spend quality time

12. Value of Family 

13. Value of Human life

14. Value of a clear and clutter free home

15. Value of solitude

16. How different people take calls in the same working space when you can't walk away

17. Value of household help

18. Value of routine

19. Value of support system

20. Innovative ways to stay healthy and exercise

21. So much more....

WE are changing forever as history is getting created. For the first time in all our lives, the entire world faces the same situation and fights the same enemy.  Lets  let it bring out the best in us.

2020 Pandemic -4

Today A got milk. We put the alarm and made sure to get up early to get milk and break. Only one of us can go to get stuff since we don't want our child going out at all. Also today onwards, there is a curfew like situation. 

In the evening I tried to get tomatoes (again within the society) but everything was closed.

Just now there was an announcement by the PM. It is now an all India lockdown. And it is enforced. 21days lockdown. Is this really happening. My dad mentioned never having been through anything like this. Not even during war curfew. We are in this for the long haul. It's gonna tough. It's also gonna interesting in a strange way. 

Making the best of it is the new challenge. We aee making history. And if we defeat Corona Virus, it will be epic! 

We played family Bingo! Tomorrow I plan to play virtual Hangman with my team.

2020 Pandemic -3

Yesterday was Day 1 of Delhi Lockdown. Everything is closed now except essentials. I heard that there was a fight for milk yesterday and the police. It's scary to see the situation deteriorating so fast.

We did not go out, plan to go get milk tomorrow.

It's a stressful time. I taught my son weaving as a stressbuster in the evening. We sat and talked on his bunker bed which we had earlier cleared. We clear an area of house everyday. 

I was grateful to busy in work all day. Back to back calls. It was fun working at home together. Attend calls at the same time, do household chores and just help each other out. 

2020 Pandemic -2

Today the governments quarantined Delhi and many other states. A complete shutdown of metro services and railways. I think autos and cabs also.

Our office also closed operations. At least we no longer have to risk travel in this situation. Till yesterday that was a fear and one wondered about alternates like partial work from home and leaves.  Now all private industries are closed. But suddenly this also increases the fear even more. 

At 5pm, so many people gathered to make noise, ring bells and thalis.Clap together. It showed such solidarity. 

Then I got to know that my parents society is locked down. No maids, no staff. And noone can enter or leave. We can't help or meet indefinitely. It's not as if we were going out  or meeting right now, we were all isolated, but now we can't.

Suddenly it becomes more real. More confining. What all will this self confine teach us ahead? 

We watched Khataron ke Khiladi which was kind of soothing to see what all people cab endure. Gruesome and weird stuff. So methodically they do it. Some fail but are also unharmed. This reality too shall pass. 

Can we use the time turner here? Can it also fast forward?