A new guest arrives

Recently I came across an old poem which I wrote at the time of observing my first white hair.  At that time it only brought joy. Recently I again came across white hair, more in number this time but still equally pleasing, though with a tinge of nostalgia.
So here it is.....

I saw it first today
My step out of the road of yesterday
Childhood seems a thing of past
As I gaze at my first step to wisdom and experience alike
I thank God that with it I am now blessed 

Yes it’s my first white hair 
But I am not aghast; just with wonder do I stare
It seems a beauty by it’s very solitary nature
Blowing lightly it tells me age I will
And age with grace I will contrive

Soon a lot many will follow
Each denoting moments of joys and sorrow
Precious on its own, each is
For age brings with it gems of memories
To look back to and treasure

Black gives way to white so clear
As youth gives way to grace so dear
Uncertainty goes and peace resides
Lessons of love, forgiveness and faith we revise
As slowly we move towards the final abode

Women's Day : women as humans

This Women's Day I came across many messages celebrating women's days, appreciating women as mothers, sisters or daughters. Women as supporting men through thick and thin. This time I found them almost offensive. Women don't exist to support men. We are individuals with our dreams, wishes and goals. We have our own lives. Yes, we are a different species. We do generally have a stronger femine side. A side that makes us care deeper, cry louder, get weak in the knees, need to heart to heart conversations regularly and get touched deeply by small gestures. We may like bright colors, flowers and makeup. But we also have a stronger endurance and a fiery sense of protection for those close to us. Apart from that we are just individuals leading our lives. We may or may not multitask. We may or may not be self sacrificing in nature. We don't enjoy enduring hardships just like any other being. We may be completely introvert and quite or highly outspoken. We may or may not be organized. We can as easily be slovenly or lazy as not. We are all very different from each other.

We don't expect to be treated as weaker people but we do enjoy chivalry and politeness. We expect equality with a bit humanity and kindness. We expect to be celebrated for our achievements, hard work, sharp minds, talent and creativeness as much as for our compassion, softness and adjustability.

This women's day lets celebrate women for not just being great mothers, wives, sisters and daughters but also as friends, individuals to be treated with respect and professionals like great astronauts, doctors, engineers, teachers, researchers, sportswomen, defense personnel, writers and entrepreneurs. Lets also not forget the maids and other household help who have an equal right towards this day. This women's day, lets not thrive in a woman's ability to sacrifice. Lets stop expecting that. Lets celebrate women as people who work hard, play hard, get tired and may make mistakes and may need a break. A change, a smile and little bit of acknowledgement. That's what this day represents for most of us.

Women's Day : women as humans

This Women's Day I came across many messages celebrating women's days, appreciating women as mothers, sisters or daughters. Women as supporting men through thick and thin. This time I found them almost offensive. Women don't exist to support men. We are individuals with our dreams, wishes and goals. We have our own lives. Yes, we are a different species. We do generally have a stronger femine side. A side that makes us care deeper, cry louder, get weak in the knees, need to heart to heart conversations regularly and get touched deeply by small gestures. We may like bright colors, flowers and makeup. But we also have a stronger endurance and a fiery sense of protection for those close to us. Apart from that we are just individuals leading our lives. We may or may not multitask. We may or may not be self sacrificing in nature. We don't enjoy enduring hardships just like any other being. We may be completely introvert and quite or highly outspoken. We may or may not be organized. We can as easily be slovenly or lazy as not. We are all very different from each other.

We don't expect to be treated as weaker people but we do enjoy chivalry and politeness. We expect equality with a bit humanity and kindness. We expect to be celebrated for our achievements, hard work, sharp minds, talent and creativeness as much as for our compassion, softness and adjustability.

This women's day lets celebrate women for not just being great mothers, wives, sisters and daughters but also as friends, individuals to be treated with respect and professionals like great astronauts, doctors, engineers, teachers, researchers, sportswomen, defense personnel, writers and entrepreneurs. This women's day, lets not thrive in a woman's ability to sacrifice. Lets stop expecting that. Lets celebrate women as people who work hard, play hard, get tired and may make mistakes and may need a break. A change, a smile and little bit of acknowledgement. That's what this day represents for most of us.

Joys and pains of travelling in metros

A while ago I read an article which discussed the pitfalls of long commute and then another about metro etiquettes. Travelling over 3 hours each day, both articles seemed to urge me to express my experiences in metro: the good and the bad.

The good: It gives you time.
The bad: It eats up your time.

Yes, metro does both. It takes away hours from your life which could have bern put yo better use, the foremost being time with family or time relaxing or time for some enrichment or learning. But on the other hand, it does give you some snatches of time for activities where you may not devote time at all otherwise.

The good: It gives you a flavour of the public.
The bad: That flavour may leave a bad taste.

You get to know a lot of general stuff, be in through the loud conversations happening or through just observation of public for latest fashion trends! While travelling cramped together, you may get subjected to the  hostile and irritating sides of people very easily, not to mention different variations of personal hygiene!

The bad: It tires you out.
The good: Well? You tend to get a little fitter standing and stetching for so long!

Yes, it tires out. It's exhausting if you don't get a seat in a long journey, especially in the evenings. A few minutes closer to peak hours leads to a good 20 mins delay in lines and metro and then you are rewarded by the jampacked metro to squeeze into. People are known to lose weight after travelling in metro for a few months however that will not work as a good enough motivation when you are elbowed constantly and find people's hair smack into your face or when you lose fear of falling because there is absolutely not an inch to turn let alone fall. What helps then is knowing why you are travelling. A good enough reason to reach both ways will get you through journey.

If you DO plan travel a chunk of time in metro, here are some dos and donts which may aid in making the journey a little more fun, a little more comfortable.

Dos:
1. Read: Carry a book. A good book will let you escape from it all like nothing else.
2. Listen to music: Carry a good set of earphones. Close your eyes and listen to some soothing music. Another good mode of escape.
3. Lend an ear to public conversations: It's not evesdropping if people are talking loudly right near your eye. You are justified in hearing. You will hear people talking about common issues and realize how we all run through some threads of similarity. It will keep you grounded. Hearing conversations across ages also aids in gaining better perspective and adds to your wisdom.
4 .Observe the various trends: From clothes, shoes, bags, makeup and hairstyles to any other latest trend, you will be see it all! Metro is great for trend browsing!
5. Sleep: Even a half hour nap will leave you refreshed and take you a long way through the rest of the day. If it's a long journey then definitely leave some time for resting.
6. Write/blog: With good connectivity and smartphones, it's easy to write while travelling. In fact for almost a year now, a majority of my blogs have been written in metro.
7. Catch up on social media: If the connectivity is good, this is the best time for social updates.
8. Try for a direct metro (if possible): Even if it means a little longer wait, try for a direct one if possible. Also watch out near the stations where you can get a seat.

Don'ts

1. Carry out in depth telephonic conversations: People will not appreciate the constant disturbance and irregularity of network and it will leave grumpy and agitated trying to hold a proper conversation. Don't give such low priority to quality conversations. Short quick phone calls may work through.
2. Play games/ watch videos: Give your eyes and brain a break. But to each, their own. I prefer reading and writing, some may prefer gaming and may not find it tiring  to stare at a small screen or a even a means of losing time.
3. Work/check mails: The one phase of time when I checked mails and worked in metro, I was left exhausted and irritable. It made me realize the value of this metro time.

February Book list

Continuing the #BrunchBookChallenge, here's the February Book List. So far so good and now it's time for some Indian authors for the coming months. Would love some good recommendations for the same.

Feblist:

Book 5: Thinking of you by Jill Mansell
Rating 3.5
Brief Review:
A light romance mingled with the lives of the protagonist and her daughter. It gives no deep lessons but is a page turner and quietly enjoyable. Good for holidays and travelling.

Book 6: Sleeping Arrangements
Sophie Kinsella as Madeline Wickam
Rating: 3.5
Brief Review
Again a light read. Very different from all other Sopihe Kinsella books. It has less of humour and is basically a romance but family story. Good, wholesome but lacks that exciting spark that is usually present in Sophie Kinsella books.

Book 7: Chicken Soup for the Soul (Reader's Choice) by Jack Canfield
Rating: 4.5
The perfect book to read or gift. It has a gem of a story for every occasion/personality. This 20th Anniversary Edition collected impactful stories from different Chickrn Soup books and then shared stories of their impact!

Book 8: The railway children by E. Nesbit
Rating: 4
A missed old classic. It renews my faith that some books are ageless. It's freshness touches all hearts equally as it deals with everyday trials and tribulations of  three children.
An intesresting quote: "I think everyone in the world is friends if you can only get them to see you don't want to be un-friends"

Book 9: The Dare Game ( A Tracy Beaker Story) by Jacqueline Wilson
Rating: 4
And old childhood series that has retained its flavor over the years.

January Book list

This year with its new resolutions seems pretty interesting. One of those is the #BrunchBookChallenge . This year it is actually challenging with the aim of reading of 50 books in this year. 10 are required to be by Indian authors or based on India in some way. Well, I go a step further. I mean to also add a short review for each case. So here's the January list. So far so good!

Book 1
Best of Friends by Cathy Kelly
4 stars.
Like any other Cathy Kelly book, this one is perfect for comfort during winters and offers a slight sweetness to all situations and emotions.  A nice, feel-good kind of book about four middle aged women who are friends and their coping mechanisms for life's surprises.

Book 2
The Wish List by Jane Costello
Rating : 4 stars
As the protagonist inches towards the age of 30, she comes across an old wishlist. It surprises her to see how little of it she has achieved. She thus sets about achieving all goals by the time she turns 30...in the next 6 months and this book takes us along her in her adventures. Through light comedy this book peeks into the reality vs wishes state in all of us. The  wishes are a mix: some common, some exciting that any of us could have. It subtly explores the concept of stability vs novelty. It intrigues but still manages to  leave the readers satisfied.

Book 3
The Scandal (Theodore Boone ) by John Grisham
Rating: 3 stars
It was the first Theodore Boone I read and although I have loved reading John Grisham, this book didn't do justice to his consistency. It was a fast flowing, good to read book but it was so fast that it just halted to a stop in the end. When it ended suddenly, it was clear that though it was a  good read, it missed the solid plot and sound storyline that John Grisham is famous for.  One reason could be that the protagonist, a 13 year old lawyer in case, had no real role. He wasn't victim. He didn't solve the case. He was more of an obsevant. For stories to touch the readers, one would want the protagonist to have a bigger chunk. But it was still enough for me to try another Theodore Boone just to see how the series is.

Book 4
High School Musical: Poetry in motion by Alice Alfonsi
Rating: 3
Brief Review: The first in HSM series that I read. I may not be the right judge for this book by the title. However, there are books that surpass ages and infact take you back to diffferent stages of your life as you experience the life of a protagonist. This was a bit too mild for that but fun, lighthearted otherwise.

Normalcy is underrated

Well the New Year resolutions are made. 29 of them in totality.  The phase to follow them has started. Before making them, I came across many articles focussing on "reinventing your life" or just "breaking the routine", not falling into a rut etc. But I beg to differ. This may be good for someone who has been "settled" into the same routine for say the last 5 or 10 years. For the people in their 30s, that itself is something most would not have experienced. Family, career, friends, settlement, stability...they all take time.  And when we get it, we deserve some time to savour it. Life itself brings so many changes that no two months, let alone two years are alike. Yes, days can be similar! So why not cherish the stability when you get it.  Yes, it's still good to try new stuff but every year need not be the year when you choose to change your entire life! Instead, sometimes it's just enough to have just a couple of challenging unique goals and a few more that just make you feel good.  It's another day of normalcy that people long for when they run out of time. Don't take normalcy for granted. Here's how:

*Go to work, come home, have a cuppa with your family and watch that favourite TV show...without guilt.

*Spend some weekends just lazing about.

*Savour that familiarity of environment both when you go to work and when come back.

*Value meeting the same set of people everyday. They are all currently a part of your life to some extend.

*Value your family and their familiar habits.

*Cherish good health.

*Cherish your children....they will never remain the same.

*Cherish the friends you make in all phases of life.

* Cherish all impactful conversations and discussions.

*Cherish your normal moments because one never knows when they give way to trying times. What man proposes, God disposes.

Here's to a year of stability!

Tragically tiny tales: Life's hits and misses

#ttt 1: The smoker took a break every two hours for a smoke and the breather for a breath of fresh air. Thanks to the city, both came back with equally smoke choked lungs.

#ttt 2: They all struggled and competed to avoid ageing. Cancer aided some in succeeding.

#ttt 3: She cursed her luck for missing the flight, while far off the passengers gave thanks for surviving the burning flight. All but one safety jacket had worked.

New Year resolutions

As the New Year begins and previous ends, it gives us an opportunity to analyze the year gone by. What we planned, what worked, what didn't and whys. What we still want to try. And the new stuff. I am a firm believer of new year resolutions and take it as a roadmap for the year ahead. There have been many yeats when I fulfill my entire list. The previous year, however, I followed a little more than 50% of them.  The discrete todos happened  but the personal improvement suffered. For example,  I could have been more patient. Or maybe it was the best I could do with all the changes.

Here's how I create goals. We all have different aspects of lives and ideally need goals for each of them: health, family, professional growth,  personal nature, child specfic goals ( the relation of a parent and child is very unique and requires its own list), some extra curricular goals, some general todos and some "just fun" ones. They are generally a set of 20-30 resolutions for me. Not all such goals are equally shareable but just to be kept and worked upon. This kind of list doesn't get formed in a day. It requires around a week's reflection, at least for me. And I start that around now. I complete my goals list formation around the first or second week of Jan and then strive towards following them. Those initial 10-15 days, when many resolutions falter, are my buffer days.

Today I created the sharable list amongst some of the possible goals. Here they are:

1. Go up on a hot air balloon
2. Play more with my child
3. Visit a new place.
4. Be more aware of news
5. Make healthier choices...would be further segmented.
6. More tea and long talks with all close ones. Well, this is a new addition and is optional because it won't be completely dependent on me.

As the new lists are created, lets see where the new journey takes us!

Mandi trip: reflections (Part 3)

Well there is a whole lot that can be captured about Mandi trip and maybe I will continue but here I pause and add some reflections before the new year steals attention. Just some random thoughts that pop in mind when you live alone, even for 4 days.

People/things you miss...
When you are away, you tend miss certain parts of daily life more than others. When you are alone, you tend to miss certain people more than others. It depicts the important parts of your daily life. Sometimes those can be surprises also. For example, during IIT days, in each conference I used to miss IIT's nescafe tea and the talks I shared with people during those times. This time, I had moved on. I longed my kid as any parent would. But there were surprises. For example, I missed not the extra funtimes but taking care of him. Bathing him, wiping his nose...simple activities...
Being alone I read and wrote a lot but I also longed to talk to people and reach out. One also wonders more about what is happening in that daily life. Technology certainly helps. Phone calls and photos play a big role.

When scenic beauty is enough
The view of the mountains. The stillness of the river, it gave great bliss to the heart. It quietened all frenzy and there were moments when there was a stillness in the air and I felt at one with nature again.  To have a great view on waking up, great lunchtimes views and some half hour slots otherwise was enough. People planned trips for sightseeing but for me, just this quietness was enough.

Tea and long talks
The best part of every day would definitely be coming to be the room, switching on the heater and making a cup of tea with a novel, diary or phone call. Of course chocolates also helped! Oh, what peace it was. Sometimes it was early enough to see daylight, mostly it was night. But what bliss it was to end the day with a cup of tea. Well tea has played an important role in so many aspects. Be it the pampered lazy luxurious cup of tea as a child, the tea and long talks with friends discussing every aspect of life, the multiple cups of tea during PhD and its struggles, the romantic cup of tea  or just the daily cups of tea coming home or even "teddy tea parties" with child. Teas are made special by the company.  Be it new friendships or old, light hearted discussions or discussions on the intricacies of life, nothing beats tea and long talks. Tea is the best beverage for a conversation. The varieties are numerous: sweet/ creamy/green/black/flavored, enough to cater to moods, health and types of people. They are hot enough for us to start a conversation and take it to some kind of conclusion where the cold beverages would fail. They soothe us unlike coffee which instills greater excitability. They soothe us and make us more lucid  and in a greater position to understand unlike any alcoholic beverage.  So next time, there's a conversation pending, start it with a cuppa. Tea and long talks can make a great New Year resolution ....to have tea and long talks regularly with all people who are important parts of your life or were or may become important or even those who seem to require it or  sometimes just when you require a conversation.

Mandi Trip: the journey and thereafter (Part 2)

The journey and thereafter

Then there it was. The much dreaded journey. Well the journey was made much easier by company...which was also a last minute decision and coincidence. But how it helped. There are few people with whom you speak as comfortably as you can be quite. Or even fall asleep, reassured.  The journey went smoothly. More smoothly than expected. When best friends meet, they always have enough to catch up on. The time goes faster and troubles become shorter.  We had a stopover at one place and went out just for the sake of it. It was freezing and we shiveringly ordered what turned out to be the worlds worst tea! There was still something to say about sitting there in Ambala, nursing that cup of tea as it warmed our hands.

When the journey started again, a group of college kids started playing Antakshri and music. Oh, were they a young lot! I felt suddenly that there was a huge difference between 20s and 30s. And then I saw a white haired old couple right ahead me. Well life is a full circle. As the songs soothed me and lulled me towards sleep, I realised I missed doing that. Going out on a trip like this with a big group of friends and just being carefree. But as my friend stated, "that won't have been us". Or more importantly, this now was enough for present. I was exploring boundaries, in good company,  in my own little way.

The much dreaded journey slipped away as we entered the unforgiving winters of Mandi at its peak early in the morning when even the Sun felt lazy coming out. Somehow we reached our exact destination...college guest house. It was ....literally in the middle of nowhere! There seemed noone about for a while and we had a new set of misgivings but then we entered our rooms and life was good again. Ahh, what a welcome site it was to find that huge heater. For the next half hour I did nothing but freeze in front of it until the body felt as if there was life in it yet. Slowly my eyes went to the desk in the room....how appropriate! Thrn the kettle. Ohh to have tea with the heater in the backdrop of that cold. Surely nothing could beat that! Well, that was until I saw the view. Majestic! Full window view of the hills and I knew I had made no mistake in arriving. Just this sight for four days would be worth the ride.

All this gave me the much needed respite for two hours by which time we were welcomed by enough to be secure that there was humanity even in the middle of nowhere. This idea would only be re-enforced further in the next few days. Well, the two hours passed by quickly and it was time for a full day ahead. Who would have thought I would be ready to work after a 12 hour journey! Well, welcome to the grown up world!

More to come in blogs ahead....the first day fall, research, reflections and much more....

Mandi Trip: A trip that almost wasn't to be (Part 1)

This trip almost didn't happen. Well there's a lot in it to tell so I will divide it into parts....

The decision

I had planned it long ago for research purpose. But then that time it didn't strike me how difficult it would be to reach to such a place or how the situation might vary with time. So my health fell, again and again and with it fell my confidence. I couldn't do a 12 hour bus trip. Heck, I even hated train journeys and would take flight whereever possible. I didn't do long journeys. Never had. Flights were different. And now with bad health...a weak stomach, recovering from a bad case of viral, well it seemed impossible. And there was the extreme cold which seemed equally terrifying right then. I even feared going alone. What if one of the terrible stories of incidents with girls came true? What if the bus fell due to bad weather. Fears engulfed  where there had been none. And I couldn't cancel. I had asked for this. I felt trapped and terrified.  Terrified to refuse. Trapped into going.

Then it changed. I remembered how we should always do one thing that terrifies us. So this would be it for the year.  And then I realised I didn't have to go.  Nobody would kill me if I didn't. I was even given the choice not to go. I could easily settle back into routine and have a relaxing weekend additionally. But I would always feel I wimped out. Of course there was still the need to go not just to overcome fears but also to learn and to keep my word. To do what I took as mine to be done. But it certainly helped to have it as a choice till the very end. Now I wasn't trapped into going, now it was an internal choice.

And I was off. Off to a new journey. The thought in mind ...there's a difference between foolhardiness and courage. Often we don't which we are doing this much later. I wondered which this was. Of course for many, it would be trivial but that varies from person to person and also in different situations.

More to follow....the journey....the trip, the reflections it brought and a lot more...

Cycle of influenza

Warning: This may be a cribopost!

December, a month I always look forward seems to have taken a strange contrary turn this time. Things which can go wrong, are.  And that doesn't even include the unexpected. Lets take the long, strong bout of flu. A normal flu flutters in and out as we solder on. We may even welcome a day's rest for it. This one  however, had all sorts of stages:

1. Collapse: I am dead to the world. Help.
2. Hopelessness: My life is over. This will never get better. Maybe it is some deadly disease....maybe I need to reevaluate my life at every level.
3. Too far off: Ok, maybe it will get better but too late for me to ever catch up in this race called life. Maybe it will last into weeks or months gobbling away all my leaves and thus leaving me helpless and clueless about the world. 
4. Desirelessness: There is nothing that I want anymore. I am too fed up. What was it that I wanted from life?
5. A stray hope: So I found a single thread towards what gives me/ used to give me  happiness. So now, holding that tiny thread forth,  lets see the next tiny step. Desires are coming back!
6. Alive again: Life is good and I am alive again.
7. Haziness: Just as life seems better again, the aftereffects of illness and medicine turn grey in the form of weakness and a thick veil of haziness. I am physically better but the mind refuses to work. I am only 50% of what I originally was. Help!

And there we are! A cycle of flu eating time up time, health and sucking up all joy.

Haircuts and style changes

There is a theory I have developed with experience about haircuts and changes in styles. A change in haircut or hairstyle invariably leads to a change in personality.  Whenever I am looking for some change, I go for a change in style. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes for worse. But it's a new journey. It's tougher of course when you are not looking for changes and still want a change in look. Because it WILL still affect life. Besides experience there is also a logical basis to it. As we change our look, something in our personality undergoes a delta change. We become more carefree with a shorter cut or more ready for experiencing changes with a wilder or more experimental look. A traditional, long style may depict more maturity and a greater need for stability.

This may also be true for beards and moustaches though that would be based more on theory and observation than experience! A moustached look would represent a more traditional and also somehow more responsible outlook. A  clean shaven look may represent a disciplined personality. An unshaven look may reperesent a transparent, confident nature with no need to prove anything to the world. A more experimental look again may be a way of reaching for different flavors of life. 

With that said, lets see where this new journey takes me.

Quotable quotes

During my college days, we would find a quote on the board which we would see everyday before setting about on our floors. Soon we began to look out for it. It was interesting and a good way of setting about the day. So around 6-7 months ago, when I got a chance ( board),  I recalled those moments and started writing a quote a day, most weekdays. At first it was exciting and easy and a good conversation starter for a new person. It also was good to see people stop by and read them. Later it seemed tougher, you don't feel as equitable each day and not all quotes are appropriate everywhere. But slowly I realised it helped me the most. No matter what else was happening, I was bound to start the day with a positive or at least interesting thought and that definitely set a better tone for the day.

When you read quotes everyday, you do tend to develop some of your own reflections also. Here are some reflections of the past 6 months:

Only the graceful and open hearted deserve apologies.

Too much and too little time are both equally deadly.

In the age of texts, there lies a tiny tale within the original undeleted texts and the final ones that actually 'qualify'.

Many come in for chatter but the ones who mean to stand by you, stay for the silences

Just like on diving in the sea takes some time to get bearings, in the same way, after being wordless, it takes a while for words to come again.

Don't count the minutes, makes the minutes count ( ok this exists in the form of days but I find it more appropriate for minutes)

Life is about those stolen "just happy moments" that come in between those "so hectic moments"

Gathered leaves wear coats of endless colors, each one painted  by time (I think I wrote this but this written a long time ago so only 90% sure)

Some of the greatest memories have no photos, no status updates, just a satisfaction of a moment well lived.

Just like our technological devices, we also need rebooting at times. Sometimes it's ok to pause, reflect, smile and then restart.

This Childrens' Day, glad to be grown up!

Today is Childrens' Day and as different people recall their childhood and glorify those times, I seem to have a different perspective.  This time, right now is the best. There have been many forwards about single life being great and maybe it is so for many. To each his own. But this post is for those married people in their 30s leading normal, stable lives. This time is the best. You are married, maybe with a child or two, a stable job  or if lucky then career, you have a set of stolid friends and are more or less "settled". And that's actually great!  Lets rewind and see why.

Childhood is a time of dependece, unstability and uncertainity. You don't know who your friends are. You get bullied. You fear being  a laughing stock the most during this time. You don't know what you will do with your life. You are complete "dependant". This starts somewhere  in school.  For some this starts during middle school and for some, earlier. The phase before this fades with time and preserves fewer memories. Homework, marks, competition, discipline and peer pressure define a typical child or typical Indian child. Maybe some hobbies come to play at some point of time.  They come with their set of guilt of "not  studying". The child becomes a teenager. Their priorities change. Friendships, crushes and latest trends become more important. There begins the start of their push for independance. Teachers' and parents' opinions suddenly seems very remote. Friends matter though that may or may not help. This is also the time maximum hearts are broken. Sometimes even by so called friends. This is the most unpredictable age as interests and dreams start taking directions and many plans made earlier go haywire. An aspirant doctor may want to become an actor, a would be scientist may suddenly want to be a writer and so on. Sometimes there is a basis and sometimes it is just an exploration. But as they push boundaries, some may feel too bound and unable to explore which could be the start of a lifetime of regrets and blamegames. Others explore, push and thus starts the phase of uncertainities. College starts and suddenly the freedom  becomes variable.  You are in a transition  from childhood towards adulthood. Future becomes important. Relationships become serious, friendships more selective and careers more result oriented. You measure everything in terms of how it will affect your some remote future.  You also experience some "in between" pleasures. You also make great memories. But the rest of the time the future looms a ahead like a gray hazy cloud of smog.  As you approach forward, you realise, moving ahead paves the way and that's all there is, different paths for the rest of the life. Crisscrosses which never end but do decrease with time. As you make more decisions, you move away from the mesh and more towards a major direction with minor diversions. Of course, conditions apply !

A few hit and trials, a few setbacks, some success earlier or later in different aspects of life and you are here. You are settled.  You know whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are "home". You know what you want to do in the rest of your life. Another direction settled.  You live with your own little family. You are independent. You can be as slovenly or neat as you wish. As lazy or adventurous as you wish. You meet your little one. Suddenly you can explore a fresh childhood without the pains of actually experiencing it. Or maybe those pains of helplessness increase for parents later but not for the next 6-7 years probably! You have a set of stolid, trustable friends. People you can depend upon. You have more confidence. The world, in which you have your own niche is no longer scary. Ridicule is no longer as feared. You can revel in  your uniqueness and best of all, the little things are just that, little. They are no longer the end of the world. You are cushioned by stability in different aspects of life. Life has an entire spectrum to offer as you get ready to taste its diverse flavours.

Discovering Life: PG Express: It's worth the wait (Part 2)

This is it. The Convocation. The recognition of years of effort and all that is much more than effort. And suddenly student life is over forever. Or maybe that has just been formalized now but it got over much earlier. Between thesis submission and defense, a PhD scholar slowly weans away from student life, towards another world. That happened. After defense, one loses all fears of uncertainity so convocation remains a mere formality. And that's what it seemed like until the Vedic mantras started. It was just the rehersal. The person conducting it explained that they meant that the institute and teachers have done all they could and now it is upto the students to take this knowledge further. Next came the oath. And subsequently the goosebumps. And the memories. The memories include the pride of being able to gain  knowledge from such great minds,  to learn at such a great institute, of achieving more than expected. And all the good stuff. There is a lot. But there have been posts about it. This post is not about that.

Because somehow this time I remembered all the tough moments. The tears. The toil. The time before it all started....how unreachable it seemed, right from school...yes it was an early dream.  The victory of joining and then the fears. The time of struggle when one could just plod on with no clarity. More tears. The harsh questions. The determined answers. The constant feeling that "it WILL work out somehow". The sleepness nights. The weekendless months. It was tough. Tough in so many more ways than just academic. And finally there was also the time when I also finally wondered whys of doing it. It comes to everyone in some or the other phase. For me that started when it was nearly over. When the next steps became hazy.   When you know that you that are oriented for a specific field. Yes, field matters after so many years. When you  can't bear the experience and effort not being acknowledged.

Yes, soon it all worked out and the questions became long forgotten. Until these chants. Was it worth it? Yes. Would I do it again if given a chance. Yes, of course.  But that doesn't change it WAS tough. What did it teach me? Confidence and persistance. There is nothing that can't be done. Somethings just take longer and some just need more effort. Just like after childbirth, one gains the courage to bear any kind of pain, with the reminder that it is minisculine compared to that,  same is the case with PhD. You gain the courage to take up any task and know that you can do it, because you have crossed  much bigger and stronger hurdles. And survived. 
You come out stronger.
And realise it's ok to cry a few tears of joy at that final moment.  They validate all those other tears.

Some places are just humane

Though there are many pending posts, this one deserves to be written today. It's been 6 months for me at the new work place now. 6 months of learning, fun, excitement and a sense of accomplishment. 6 months of new stuff which keeps happening. 6 months of flurry.  Some jobs are good, some are bad, some to be tolerated, some for timepass and some to be enjoyed. And then there are those rare ones which become a way of life. They directly or indirectly touch other aspects of your life. They change something internally. For me it was a sense of respect and a sense of humanness. You lose it in student life especially PhD. You are meant to do as instructed. But suddenly you realise that you are amongst the human race again...people who have personal lives and a sense of individuality and don't mind stating it and understand that you do too. With time you lose a sense of constant fear. It's like school for geeks (people who actually look forward to it!). Of course there are ups and downs, days of busyness and days of laziness, days when you are eager to go and days when you just wana go back to bed. But it's the right place when the work part is still fun.
It's the right place when you have smiles coming and going put.

How is it compared to other places for me? Well PhD has seen enough posts to it.  The other places, the work was good but they made me wonder if one can get too old for new friendships. Or too whatever after PhD. Yes, no lucid words for that state. They made me miss that one best friend terribly.  And I so longed for it...to have that one great friend to have tea and talks, to nag when sleepy, to just be with.  It was lonely and somehow having less work can make such situations harder...you end up watching the clock after a while.

  So it's always good to be in the thick of things. To be given responsibility and new opportunities. It makes you want to grow and learn and when learning is fun and appreciated, you don't mind a bit of extra effort. It's also good to be part of all the celebrations that keep happening: festival celebrations, writing competitions, dress up days and lots more. At one point my mom felt I dressed for occassions as much as my 4 year old!

On the other hand, on the people front, no, I didn't get that single best friend here either.  In fact being in an all guys group reduced that possibility right at the onset. But I got the next best thing. I got to speak to a whole bunch of people on a variety of topics. In others places there were generally two versions of groups....either the news or the food/homefront gossip....both felt like misfits. Here when you don't have that one person, you talk a lot many, you hear a lot. And yes a great many of those discussions would involve bikes, beards and gyms but they can also be amusing. You get to meet readers, writers, artists. You get to discuss technology, philosophy, books, movies and family....just maybe all with different sets of people or maybe all in one.  You get freshly inspired. You meet parents, single people and those in transitions. You meet the females in unlikely places...or most likely places! And you know you fit in when there are  those who care enough to ask you when all is not great and also those to go and tell when something exciting happens. And you realise that noone is  too old for friendships though the degree and type changes. Many times there is no time to talk or even pause at all but those are also good days knowing that you got something good done. Or sometimes even knowing that you are not going to be swordpointed if you do get stuck/stressed/sick. Sometimes that's all you need. To be able to remain human. Maybe that's what they mean by live and let live.  And maybe that's what  sustains one in a particular place. Flying is great but it's a whole lot easier when you know that the ground is safe.

Dislongingness

Sometimes festivals and celebrations become too peopled. They are fun but can lead to a loss of equilibrium. Or maybe years of seclusion make it so. PhD changes a person such that you keep longing for it to be over but once it is, it also leads to withdrawl symptoms. You tend to miss the the quietness of lab. That one place that you can anytime go back to. That one work that is all yours for what seems like forever.  And though, it torments you in different ways throughout the years, when all goes wrong in the world, it is like a refuge where you can rush to. Of course being surrounded by natural beauty makes it even more inviting and more solitude inducing. 

This is about that state of 'dislongingness' (using the poetic license as no other word describes the feeling as well) that one experiences after years of solitude and aloneness. It comes out at odd times like an unruly toddler and you know not what to do about it.

Dislongingness

Where do you go when you want to run away?
When there is no longer any single refuge
When the heart feels a dislongingness
A disenchentment from the world in general
And longs for not quiet time but solitude
Away from peopled loneliness towards aloneness

Is there a way I wonder
To achieve equilibrium
A perpetual calmness

We all have our good and our bad moments
Our loud and our quiet moments
Our alone and our peopled moments
Our pensive and reflective moments

We smile through the good
Wince and move on through the bad
But then come the moments of loud silence
Moments of peopled loneliness
Which disturb our inner peace
The inner child wants to run away
But with you remains trapped within masks of social obligations and pleasantaries
The inner child seeks familiarity
But finds familiar strangers
Smiling outworldly, ignoring blindly the silent pleas

This time lets give that inner child a chance to be free
Lets run away with it and all inhibitions forgo
Lets follow it and see where it leads
We may find a once lost refuge from long ago

The Tragically Tiny Tales@Diwali

This is the second part of #TTT. These are some Tragically Tiny Tales of Diwali. The TTT was expecting some sweet tales of Diwali but what came out from here was a different perspective of the festival of lights....the light within a person....when it lights up and when it dies out. So here they are!

#TTT1: This Diwali also they couldn't travel. As they lit crackers and celebrated, far away the light from her eyes faded and her wait ended.

#TTT2: This Diwali she had no crackers. No sweets. Just two twinkling eyes which erased the pain of that Diwali that had wiped her world.

#TTT3: This Diwali she got a unique gift. Her eyes saw light for the first time as his once kind act paid out once the light died out from his.