Lucky

I was harried and bleary eyed right in the morning. I hadn't  got much sleep for almost the entire month. I had needed a break since the last 4 months but could not have it for yet another month. There was so much work and yet it didn't seem to get finished to even give me the satisfaction of a work well done. And the social calendar being full  with get-togethers and rituals and the "what nots"  right before my deadline didn't help much either. As I rushed in the department, I tried to smile but couldn't with my heart yelling "somebody help me!",  I saw a person a wheelchair, smiling proudly on operating it himself. Suddenly I realized how lucky I really am. To not need to help for little things of life. To not only have work but also the ability to work. To have loving and supportive family and friends. To have a busy, full life.

Lessons learnt during pregnancy that are for life

1. Eat well. Eat nutritionally.
2. Give in to your cravings some of the times...no matter how odd they are.
3. Exercise is important ....for everyone ...decide what to do based on your stamina.
4. Size doesn't matter. Looking good is more about how you are feeling inside.
5. You don't need to be pregnant to want to make yourself feel good.
6. Pray. Meditate. Whatever gives you peace of mind.
7. Read.
8. Music helps.
9. It feels good when people help. Be one of those helpful ones.
10.Naps are ok.
11. Your health matters. You matter. Take an odd day off when you need it.
12. Be prepared in advance.
13. Expect the unexpected.
14. Smile.
15. Always have something to look forward to.
16. Watch your step. Remember #11.
17. Everyone has a right to be moody sometimes.
18. Drink your milk. An investment for later.
19. Same with the fruits n veggies.
20. This too shall pass. Even labour does.

Poetry

Poetry is meant to be felt, she thought, not to be analysed.
To be read from the heart, not broken down into words.
To be expressed, not explained...
To hide as much as it is to reveal
To be touched gently
Like doves flying by...

Choices

I am back as promised ...to write more .....
Here's a random thought...isn't irritating when people say "Oh, I could have done that".  It could be any small or big thing. The answer should be "Well, too bad you didn't loser. So keep quiet."

There's a conversation between Harry and Dumbledore in "The chamber of secrets" in which Harry wonders if he should have been in Slytherin after all.
"Then why aren't you in it ?"  asks Dumbledore
"Because I asked the sorting hat not to put me there"
"Exactly! You chose it. It is our choices which make our destinies rather than our abilities. " replied Dumbledore.

We all choose where to invest our time, energy and patience. Having the ability isn't enough. It's like this in PhD also. Probably many people may the ability to do research work but they may not have the patience, persistance and passion that requires you to continue solving the same problem for years. And even within PhDs, every thesis and its story is unique. Yes, each degree has a story. A story of sacrifices, passion, smiles, tears and turmoil. Success and failure and then the in between phases.  At the end it may feel "easy" like something that should have dawned us a lot earlier but it's not just about the results, it's about the process and the story associated with it. Just like life. It's all about journey.

Things to do before 30 and the journey so far

I just realized how gradually blogging has been fading from my  life. Only one post in the last year. So many things left unsaid. So many posts incomplete. So many thoughts faded out without getting converted to words. And so many words in diaries instead of blogs.Well to make sure that this year is no worse if not better, I mean to complete this post.

Recently I have been looking at lists of things to do before turning 30. A little late I realize. I am turning 30 in 4 days. So that doesn't leave a great deal of options to do something very wild and/or elaborate. Daily life doesn't permit a great deal of spare time. But as I started making lists now and a couple of months earlier, I realized I had already done a lot of I wanted to albeit without lists. So here's a list of what I did do (and probably would have added in my list in my 20s) ...........

1. Find the love of my life...suddenly the joy of life increases manifolds...you dream more , want more and live more fully ...
2. Get married....and to have that for the rest of the life...life with your best friend.......(at least when you are not bickering ..lol)
3. Have a kid of my own....a child completes your life in a way that none can. It's whole new life. And the entire process ...pregnancy and giving birth to your child....feeding him...holding him...well it's a whole new list which keeps growing ...
4. Experience pregnancy to the fullest...I not only had food cravings but also color cravings!
5. Experience childbirth...was fortunate enough
6. Learn how a kid grows up
7. Learn how a kid learns to communicate...one of the biggest curiosities for me
8. Read lots in all categories.....collect them all....have an over-brimming collection
9. Go into research...ok so I don't have a job yet but I am pursuing the work of my dreams in PhD
10. Get into some top university...specifically IIT...more specifically IIT Delhi...done :)
11. Get placed in good companies...ok so I didn't join but I did get placed.
12. Own a car
13. Travel alone...I did at least in India...more than 5 times
14. Travel with a friend...Hubli...
15. Travel with your sweetheart...
16. Travel with your little family (kid+sweetheart)
17. Airtravel...I love airports and planes...I even enjoyed waiting at the airport the one time my flight severely delayed
18. Stay with a friend....ok so it was only a couple of days each time but it still counts
19. Hang out in a big group till the death of night..yeah..beach@Chennai...
20. Get some kind of award...did get a few
21. Spoke on the radio
22. Lucky draws...have been lucky that way :P
23. Write a book...(*well near completion actually)
24. Loads and loads of college fun...friends, groups and dating:)
25. Finding a good, sincere set of friends to share, care, laugh and cry
26. Shopping with friends
27. Planning your own wedding 
28. Being an important person in your best friends wedding :)
29. Visit the beach again
30. Swim again...or at least try
31. Run a marathon
32. Do some literature course...did one online in Coursera...was enriching, fun and satisfying...I actually worked on it!
33. Thanking the important people of your life...do try...started with that phone call to an old fav teacher....
34. Wear a white dress and veil :)
35. Wear other dresses....all kinds
36. Give a lecture in a seminar
37. Try some adventure sports...snorkelling, it became cliff diving when I fell off a cliff!
38. Have THE PERFECT honeymoon
39. A relaxing babymoon
40. Eat lots of exotic stuff
41. Learn to cook a  bit
42. Lead somewhere...college magazine as well as Newsletter at IIT
43. Be the " go-to" person for help, for discussions for your friends
44. Go to the stadium to watch a cricket match and shout your hearts out...I also got my face painted ;)
45. Lots of known dates after some kind of engagement 
46. Lots of secrets ones before it ...there were some VERY close calls!
47. Be creative...hmmm...gifts to loved ones, nailart, painting my mobile case, knitting baby stuff  and lots and lots more
48. Internet chats....
49. Different looks, haircuts...
50. Have some one who will want to read you diary and whom you will be willing to show the same
51. Take a road trip with loved one
52. Visit the Taj Mahal
53. Visit some foreign country with loved one
54. Visit the zoo with your child
55. Give some of your loved toys to your child...my baby on my childhood truck...
56. Skate again....did so once and was ok at it...
57. Play carrom again...some wishes are that small...
58. Have someone to play scrabble with
59. Midnight birthday celebrations
60. Throw a surprise party
61. Read to your child
62. Sings rhymes with your child
63. Watch lots of animation movies
64. Watch the popular TV sitcoms...Friends, House, Masterchef, HIMYM, Boy Meets World...a few that I loved...
65. Watch a few popular Indian ones...Tarak Mehta ka Olta Chasma...a great one ...so different form usual Indian serials though even some of those were pretty good...like Jassi, BALH...
66. Lose weight...did so many times ! However I did start some healthy habits finally.
67. The perfect Mehendi party...
68. Wear a Sari on your own
69. Experience the perfect marriage moment...
70. Sweetheart on knees to propose
71. Stay actively part of parents life after marriage also
72. See your parents dote their grandchild as the baby grows
73. Bike riding....it's fun from the back seat also :)
74. Dance with the love of your life
75. Dance with your child....(also the love of your life...)
76. Create sandcastles again....did it all...sand castles, sand mermaid, doodle of names with hearts, collecting shells...

Travel Diary would include (20 year onwards)

India : Mussourie, Bangalore, Hubli, Mumbai, Chennai, Jodhpur, Jaipur, Lucknow, Alwar,kosi

Thailand: Phi phi Islands, Krabi, Phukhet

From Childhood:

Canada

South Africa: Durban, Johannesburg,  Cape Town

Mauritius 

Here are some which I would probably add for later on...

• PhD degree
• Job
• Visit Italy
• Disneyland
• Listen to/read news
• Complete that book
• Publish it
• Read some religious books
• More swimming
• More beaches
• Make enough space for your entire novel collection
• Exotic teas...try
• Keep trying different looks...its fun
• English tea...proper...at England..? At other places. 
• Keep increasing your travel diary....create one....
• Also add Goa, Andaman, Pondcherry, Northeast for India
• Keep dreaming................

It's been a while

Ok so it's probably been more than a while. An entire year without blogging and then some more. So much has changed since I last wrote, the night before my wedding. Marriage. A child. A whole new world. The outer world, the situations have changed beyond recognition but the essence is still the same and I am glad for that. One gets less time but it doesn't change who we are and it doesn't (shouldn't) change what we need to do, not just for a living but also for a life. There can be add-ons and there can be reductions but some things constitute the basics for a "happy me". Writing is one of them.  To know what they are for you,  just think of what keeps coming back to you. Things that make you feel alive instantaneously. What do you desire to do when you think ahead of the that "someday" when you will be free. Those somedays never come if we wait for them. We have to call them. Oneof those "somedays" has to be today. Make it that guilt-freely. Even if it is only a few minutes. Even it is only for a short blog.

The blushing bride

Shimmering in the pink of her dress and blush

she walked along

Her eyes moist, her lips quivering

she walked along

“It’s a big step in life, marriage is” , she thought

as she walked along

As the distance reduced

slowly she walked along

Her heart heavy, her hands unclasped her family

as she walked along

Closing the doors of childhood

she walked along

Her eyes hopeful with love in the new home

she walked along

“This is it”, she thought  as she reached the One

in his eyes she saw home as she walked along

As finally towards her true love , she walked along

Marriage

(Warning: This is strictly from an Indian girl's perspective!)

Marriage. One word which changes your entire life. Suddenly all sorts of cliches which you have heard a millions of times and which never fail to make you cringe actual seem true. Like it being a new life entirely, especially for a girl.
It's not just another chapter, it's part II of the book of life.

It's the first biggest change most people undergo. And only in some cases do you find the prefect match and actually know that beforehand. Yes, that simplifies things a great deal.  Well! marriage and simplifications don't really go hand in hand! I may be the first one to say this but I feel that may actually be good for everyone concerned. And I have gross example to clarify  the same. A doctor gives you an anesthesia before operating to numb your sensations during an operation. You wake up the next morning realizing the change but not feeling all of it. In the same way, these preparations will numb all sense of feeling while you are really into it. And before you know it, the change will have occurred. And then, because it had happened, it  just may feel a little less huge. Because it's also true that sooner or later we all get used to any kind of change.

Don't get me wrong, I am in favor of marriage despite the way it unravels your world for a while. To me it seems the next logical step for most of us (I agree there might be exceptions). And even that is only true when we are actually ready. Yes, there does come a time when you are ready for your entire world to change.
Why? Because it's the next step. It may happen because you suddenly want some special to hold a bigger place in your life. When you actually want to spend a lifetime with them, live with them, instead of just dating. (or looking for them ). Or it may happen when you realize you have already reached all your childhood dreams which were achievable and now are ready for new dreams. A new beginning.  You become a "we" from a "me". It changes your thinking in all multitudes. You get ready for a whole different set of dreams and experiences. It's certainly the biggest kind of adventure.

And here come the preparations which gear you up for it. The shopping...new stuff to make fresh start. All kinds of ceremonies  from prayers to warding off evil spirits. The best way is to just go with the flow, let it all happen. The people who do it, do it because you actually to them and they want this change to  work out well for you.  You may not follow or like everything they say but listen all the same. It kind of makes one feel special:) Every one from that neighborhood aunty you avoided to far off relatives to virtual strangers, will have something to say, some advise to give.People will call you just to ask how the preparations are going and if they can help. And they actually will help if you ask for it. Partly because for many of them, it will be chance to relive their special moments and for others, a glimpse at what future holds for them. It's something which unites people all over. It's gonna be the only time when you will be made to feel that special by everyone.  You will adorned to the hilt. You will be discussing makeup, hair styles, jewellery and of course dresses for months to follow. Accept it. A cracking of a nail will actually mean something to you even if you were supposedly a studious geek. Add a new wardrobe to it and well you know what will occupy most of your time. You will remember cards, menus and your trousseau like they are your thesis. And it's required because more people will query you about that than will ever read any of your papers. Honeymoon destination could be the open elective which you choose. At first you may want something very unique with all these but what I realized was there's something very special about being absolutely traditional. And it's possible to do that and still retain your style. Like choosing some kind of red in your wedding dress. Like buying some of those "heavy" saris and suits. Wearing lots of red.Wearing a chuda for an adequate amount of time. Even taking a few days off work. A few days before the wedding will seem like board exams all over again as people guard you against all kinds of mishaps...and soon you will also start doing that. You will have your manicured fingers and toes crossed at all times! You may even let some guy ward off evil spirits with a feather! Participating in all kinds of Pujas and ceremonies with a gusto! Like a mehendi with all females surrounding you and having all those weird bridal songs. You will actually like them this one. Watch out, you may even blush!

What I mean to say is that if taken in the right spirit, this time can actually be the best way to bid a goodbye to single life. Wedding preparations can be fun. Yes, they will get stressful. Very. But the best advise is (see now I am giving advise :P): "Over-prepare and then go with the flow". Things will go wrong. But if you have enjoyed the preparations, you won't mind that much.

Remember, no matter what little preparation goes haywire, you will get married. And that thought will scare you, no matter how dreamlike the new life seems. (A bit like PhD!)

But like a friend said, if you take one step at a time, you will be enjoying the process till that day and then everything will be new and special. So by the time you get to routine life, a different kind, you may be half settled.


Ok, back  to preparations! Remember to smile even if you have butterflies in your stomach!

PG Express back again!

 PhD is like an infinite candyland, there is so much to try that it gets you excited but as you start one, you get tempted by another.

It's been over 2.5 years now into PhD. I have moved on from the lonely phase.  Have seen the ups and downs of it a few times. I have gone from the one-track to this project done to there's more to life then just this. It happens to all of us at times. We expand our lives. As did I. But with it, the clutter in your mind increases. There seems so much to think about, and thus write about, that at times you just feel like shutting out for a while. Life is so very big (no I don't mean long, I mean big) that little blossoming thoughts get lost in it while big rude loud ones dominate. But all we need is those little ones. Simple ones. Not the day to day complexities which will keep changing. But the reasons behind those complexities. The reasons behind joining PhD for example. Yes, there comes a time in every grad students' life when you wonder why you ever did this to yourself. For me those reasons had always been very clear: there was nothing I wanted to do as much as this. And that still holds. But even this simple thought can get lost as life expands. As can other  important ones about not just PhD but also life. And one day, you know you just have to go looking for  them all.

It reminds me of this childhood prayer, though there's nothing "gloomy" about life


"When the world all around you looks gloomy
And all your dreams go astray
There's a still small voice  within you
To show you the sunlit way

Lend an ear to the words it's saying 
You'll find you never go wrong
For the still small voice within you 
Will show you the way to be strong

Whether you're alone or in a crowd 
It will guide you wherever you go
It can be heard above thunder
Tho' it's silent as new falling snow

It's a gift handed down by the angels
A treasure of love you can share
And the still small voice within you 
Will always, will always be there"

Well I am back now. 

Another change

At times thoughts become too much of a jumble to express in words but express we must. So here's where you will find me if at any point of  time I seem "away" Capturing Life.

Of course this blog is too dear to leave but life changes and with it so must we. Blogging is easy that way. It is possible to come back anytime you want. So I leave now with the hope of coming back later.

Well, if the workload gets heavy, it may happen sooner rather than later!

Loving another is a lot like horse-riding. You have to let go of the reign and forget the fear of falling down. Only then can you truly enjoy the ride.

It will happen:)

It will happen rarely when all pieces of your life will fall in place....
when all weathers will seem equally delightful,
the sun will give comforting warmth and the cold winter chills pleasure,
the rains will exhilarate and winds will tickle,
the bloom will bring a spring in your step,
and the fall will cushion your souls with the crunch of  its leaves.

When all music will seem as if made for you,
when all dance steps will seem as if made by you, 
when art will flow out of your fingers onto the canvass so bright
when ideas will write themselves into words so right

When you will wake with a smile
to start another day so beautiful 
but never be ready to sleep
to end a day so dreamy and full
when life will seem complete
and with the present, no past will be able to compete

A smile today, an eager step towards tomorrow
Secrets to share, dreams to borrow
leaves no place for sorrow

Advisees beware!

Here I am back again to write at yet another ungodly hour with deadlines hot at my pursuit. Of course, the more the mind if is asked to concentrate, the more it wonders. Right now I am wondering what gives people the right to ask just about anything? What happened to respecting the others rights to privacy? Does that even exist? And it need not always be strangers or even acquaintances, it could  be  well wishes or even friends. Yes, that's what makes it tough. You can't just ignore them. But yet you wish they would take a hint and stop. So what happens if they don't? Either you ask them to. Or being non-confrontational, like me, you may feel the easiest way to get out of the situation is answer them.  Do NOT fall into that trap. Because then they will start pouring their words of wisdom which may frankly feel like nothing more than showers of saliva! And then of course they make you pour out  your poor disturbed thoughts at such times of deadlines....:P

Another definition of love..

Everyone has their own unique definition of love!

Poetry

Poetry only seems to come (at least to me) when it is required. When prose cannot replace it. It is about writing when we want to express but not explain. Like when we need to generalize, blur the reality, create a veil. And sometimes, through that veil, we see a new perspective. Blurring removes the unwanted details while leaving the important parts clear. In that way poetry even helps draw new conclusions, find hope which may have got lost otherwise.

Love-a paradox

Writing a poem after a long long time so it's bound to be a bit rusty.
Here I try to define the "undefinable"....

What is love?
A feeling of stages, oh! so many,
Starting with the first crush,
moving along to the unrequited love,
learning to forget and move on,
tiring of the "it's better to have loved and lost",
shunning it and going through the not required love
curving along to the glassy eyes,
to the "oh so beautiful" new love,
waking with a smile,
jumping along a mile,
all to be with someone for a while.
No dependence, no expectation
only with hope and desire,
until the heart perspires,
wondering if you can depend,
if a lifetime together you can spend.
And we go on to the continual to love,
the day to day smiles,
the talks and the walks,
the sharing life both in joy and strife,
the peace to have succeeded at last.
And then along come the demands
the requests turn into commands,
followed by the expectations and the reprimands
the battles and the "making up".
As cross eyes dissolve to fun sighs
you decide not to command
not to depend, not to demand
until you remember what love to you meant...
...having someone to depend,
while now love also means not to command,
but not to depend, not to demand, 
to loosen the hold,
and yet not to let go.
For love is a seesaw where balance is rare,
a paradox where all seem to define the undefinable,
where all seem to count the uncountable,
And as the moments of angst join the moments of care
we move onto the commitment of love
you realize love is to give,
love is to understand,
to let the other depend,
on being cared even when not able,
to care each time you depend.

Why do I push you

why do i push you

when I wana come closer?

maybe it's bcoz you seem to push too

and i am afraid to pull and fall

But when I push, I bang into the brick wall

of your dwelling, your interior

of which i am kept away and out

maybe you fear i would change it

 maybe you just don't want anyone to be a part of it

or maybe i am just plain wrong

maybe this is not an entrance wall

but an exit to which you escape

maybe its just not a wall at all

but your boundary , your abundance

available to all

but which to me feels a wall

maybe there is  no hidden interior

but there is still hardness which hurts when I push

why do I push?

one day the balance may stumble

and weakened I would crumble.

why do I push?

maybe bcoz that’s what you expect

and that’s how I get you  to react

The post that never was....

I strived to write a post twice. Last night, when I truly felt it, a phone call prevented me from writing. The person was like "I will not let you write it now.." jestingly. It just added to my determination. So this morning, I again got down to it. I felt it less now, a good night's sleep,a steaming cup of tea, a  lavish breakfast will do wonders in changing your perspective. It was going to be the most cynical post written by me till now, you see. And all the more cynical because I was not cribbing. No, I was writing it when I was happy with my life in most respects. It was about oldage and associated misery, middleage and associated responsibilities, changes, lost dreams of childhood, selfish dreams of youth.... I mean what right did I have to enjoy myself  when there was so much misery? You get the idea...the general theme of the post.

And won't you know it? It got deleted this time! I couldn't recover it. I tried to undo but it was gone. And frankly, I could get into the mode to write it again either. By that time, I was in a good frame of mind. Then it struck me that maybe it just wasn't meant to be written. Maybe that's what Discovering Life is all about. You discover a lot but there's no need to share everything, especially  things you yourself don't like it.

Yes, I can still see the miseries as they were. Yes, I still feel bad about them. But that's no reason to feel guilty when a simple joke or a piece chocolate cheers you up. If we were all miserable, who would get us out? Maybe all of us can't do the big things we thought of in childhood about "making the world a better place", but we can make a difference by bringing some smiles. Maybe there are joys lurking for everyone; and when we can't find them for them, maybe it's just because there was joy in not being alone but  having someone look for them with you. And maybe, just for those few moments, that's enough. For us and for them.

A new year, a new winter:)

These days all my posts seem to start with "It's been a while since I last wrote"...blogging is decreasing with time. I observed this trend in the gradual decrease in number of posts since 2008. Maybe there are less thoughts, less time. But I don't think it will end. It's good to have a  space to come back to.  

A new year brings about many changes with it, the first one happening today itself. I started appreciating winters. A casual comment by a friend stating that she had never experienced winters, made me realize how lucky I am to live in a place where I truly experience all seasons.  And I am a convert now! I used to detest winters but this time I felt a charm in the foggy days and even foggier misty nights...

A hot cup of tea, maybe a bite of chocolate or two, a warm 
quilt, a good book and off you go to the wonderland again....
A cold walk warmed by the hands of a loved one...
A bike ride through  foggy misty lights making the world seem as if it belongs to just you two...


Be in it in isolation or be it in company,
 winter certainly seems the way to be...


Many others also seem to share this view.....


There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.  ~Ruth Stout


Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:  it is the time for home.  ~Edith Sitwell


Winter is the time of promise because there is so little to do - or because you can now and then permit yourself the luxury of thinking so.  ~Stanley Crawford




....... winter is certainly all about poetry!
Life changes our perspective. I, who comes alive in sunshine, now enjoy winters also:)

Switch off

There so many situations in life on which we have no control at this stage, changes waiting to happen, life resisting them and it is human tendency to have the self "what if..." discussion.


"What if when I look for a job, there is recession again?"
"What if after I get married and have kids, they hate me because I am too busy for them?"
"What if I get pimples by this chocolate?"
"What if I smile at that guy person whom I know remotely and he doesn't?"
"What if I meet my boss about a doubt and he cancels my leave?"
"What if I buy this color and regret it because the other may look better if in the future I get some other accessories?"
"What if my plane is hijacked?"
"What if I enter the contest, win a prize, and fall flat when going to collect it on stage? "

And no this is not all me, I am just trying to cover the different possibilities.

So what!! 90% of these will probably never happen/not affect us for long if they do/ will happen when we are in a position to handle them.  And  in 99% of the cases, we can do nothing in the present to prevent anything, or actually DO nothing to prevent it. So the only action towards prevention is inaction. But Life can't stop due to fear. So inaction is out the question. Hence the need to switch off. Delay. Especially if it's a long term worry. You will still have time to worry about it in the future but you won't have this present moment back to live then. Take some worry-free time periodically. And throw out some worries periodically. Put them in the "to be handled later" tasklist.

"Life is what happens to us while we are busy making plans."

So lets take time to experience it.

So now I better get back to planning my tasklist!:D