Marriage

(Warning: This is strictly from an Indian girl's perspective!)

Marriage. One word which changes your entire life. Suddenly all sorts of cliches which you have heard a millions of times and which never fail to make you cringe actual seem true. Like it being a new life entirely, especially for a girl.
It's not just another chapter, it's part II of the book of life.

It's the first biggest change most people undergo. And only in some cases do you find the prefect match and actually know that beforehand. Yes, that simplifies things a great deal.  Well! marriage and simplifications don't really go hand in hand! I may be the first one to say this but I feel that may actually be good for everyone concerned. And I have gross example to clarify  the same. A doctor gives you an anesthesia before operating to numb your sensations during an operation. You wake up the next morning realizing the change but not feeling all of it. In the same way, these preparations will numb all sense of feeling while you are really into it. And before you know it, the change will have occurred. And then, because it had happened, it  just may feel a little less huge. Because it's also true that sooner or later we all get used to any kind of change.

Don't get me wrong, I am in favor of marriage despite the way it unravels your world for a while. To me it seems the next logical step for most of us (I agree there might be exceptions). And even that is only true when we are actually ready. Yes, there does come a time when you are ready for your entire world to change.
Why? Because it's the next step. It may happen because you suddenly want some special to hold a bigger place in your life. When you actually want to spend a lifetime with them, live with them, instead of just dating. (or looking for them ). Or it may happen when you realize you have already reached all your childhood dreams which were achievable and now are ready for new dreams. A new beginning.  You become a "we" from a "me". It changes your thinking in all multitudes. You get ready for a whole different set of dreams and experiences. It's certainly the biggest kind of adventure.

And here come the preparations which gear you up for it. The shopping...new stuff to make fresh start. All kinds of ceremonies  from prayers to warding off evil spirits. The best way is to just go with the flow, let it all happen. The people who do it, do it because you actually to them and they want this change to  work out well for you.  You may not follow or like everything they say but listen all the same. It kind of makes one feel special:) Every one from that neighborhood aunty you avoided to far off relatives to virtual strangers, will have something to say, some advise to give.People will call you just to ask how the preparations are going and if they can help. And they actually will help if you ask for it. Partly because for many of them, it will be chance to relive their special moments and for others, a glimpse at what future holds for them. It's something which unites people all over. It's gonna be the only time when you will be made to feel that special by everyone.  You will adorned to the hilt. You will be discussing makeup, hair styles, jewellery and of course dresses for months to follow. Accept it. A cracking of a nail will actually mean something to you even if you were supposedly a studious geek. Add a new wardrobe to it and well you know what will occupy most of your time. You will remember cards, menus and your trousseau like they are your thesis. And it's required because more people will query you about that than will ever read any of your papers. Honeymoon destination could be the open elective which you choose. At first you may want something very unique with all these but what I realized was there's something very special about being absolutely traditional. And it's possible to do that and still retain your style. Like choosing some kind of red in your wedding dress. Like buying some of those "heavy" saris and suits. Wearing lots of red.Wearing a chuda for an adequate amount of time. Even taking a few days off work. A few days before the wedding will seem like board exams all over again as people guard you against all kinds of mishaps...and soon you will also start doing that. You will have your manicured fingers and toes crossed at all times! You may even let some guy ward off evil spirits with a feather! Participating in all kinds of Pujas and ceremonies with a gusto! Like a mehendi with all females surrounding you and having all those weird bridal songs. You will actually like them this one. Watch out, you may even blush!

What I mean to say is that if taken in the right spirit, this time can actually be the best way to bid a goodbye to single life. Wedding preparations can be fun. Yes, they will get stressful. Very. But the best advise is (see now I am giving advise :P): "Over-prepare and then go with the flow". Things will go wrong. But if you have enjoyed the preparations, you won't mind that much.

Remember, no matter what little preparation goes haywire, you will get married. And that thought will scare you, no matter how dreamlike the new life seems. (A bit like PhD!)

But like a friend said, if you take one step at a time, you will be enjoying the process till that day and then everything will be new and special. So by the time you get to routine life, a different kind, you may be half settled.


Ok, back  to preparations! Remember to smile even if you have butterflies in your stomach!

PG Express back again!

 PhD is like an infinite candyland, there is so much to try that it gets you excited but as you start one, you get tempted by another.

It's been over 2.5 years now into PhD. I have moved on from the lonely phase.  Have seen the ups and downs of it a few times. I have gone from the one-track to this project done to there's more to life then just this. It happens to all of us at times. We expand our lives. As did I. But with it, the clutter in your mind increases. There seems so much to think about, and thus write about, that at times you just feel like shutting out for a while. Life is so very big (no I don't mean long, I mean big) that little blossoming thoughts get lost in it while big rude loud ones dominate. But all we need is those little ones. Simple ones. Not the day to day complexities which will keep changing. But the reasons behind those complexities. The reasons behind joining PhD for example. Yes, there comes a time in every grad students' life when you wonder why you ever did this to yourself. For me those reasons had always been very clear: there was nothing I wanted to do as much as this. And that still holds. But even this simple thought can get lost as life expands. As can other  important ones about not just PhD but also life. And one day, you know you just have to go looking for  them all.

It reminds me of this childhood prayer, though there's nothing "gloomy" about life


"When the world all around you looks gloomy
And all your dreams go astray
There's a still small voice  within you
To show you the sunlit way

Lend an ear to the words it's saying 
You'll find you never go wrong
For the still small voice within you 
Will show you the way to be strong

Whether you're alone or in a crowd 
It will guide you wherever you go
It can be heard above thunder
Tho' it's silent as new falling snow

It's a gift handed down by the angels
A treasure of love you can share
And the still small voice within you 
Will always, will always be there"

Well I am back now. 

Another change

At times thoughts become too much of a jumble to express in words but express we must. So here's where you will find me if at any point of  time I seem "away" Capturing Life.

Of course this blog is too dear to leave but life changes and with it so must we. Blogging is easy that way. It is possible to come back anytime you want. So I leave now with the hope of coming back later.

Well, if the workload gets heavy, it may happen sooner rather than later!

Loving another is a lot like horse-riding. You have to let go of the reign and forget the fear of falling down. Only then can you truly enjoy the ride.

It will happen:)

It will happen rarely when all pieces of your life will fall in place....
when all weathers will seem equally delightful,
the sun will give comforting warmth and the cold winter chills pleasure,
the rains will exhilarate and winds will tickle,
the bloom will bring a spring in your step,
and the fall will cushion your souls with the crunch of  its leaves.

When all music will seem as if made for you,
when all dance steps will seem as if made by you, 
when art will flow out of your fingers onto the canvass so bright
when ideas will write themselves into words so right

When you will wake with a smile
to start another day so beautiful 
but never be ready to sleep
to end a day so dreamy and full
when life will seem complete
and with the present, no past will be able to compete

A smile today, an eager step towards tomorrow
Secrets to share, dreams to borrow
leaves no place for sorrow

Advisees beware!

Here I am back again to write at yet another ungodly hour with deadlines hot at my pursuit. Of course, the more the mind if is asked to concentrate, the more it wonders. Right now I am wondering what gives people the right to ask just about anything? What happened to respecting the others rights to privacy? Does that even exist? And it need not always be strangers or even acquaintances, it could  be  well wishes or even friends. Yes, that's what makes it tough. You can't just ignore them. But yet you wish they would take a hint and stop. So what happens if they don't? Either you ask them to. Or being non-confrontational, like me, you may feel the easiest way to get out of the situation is answer them.  Do NOT fall into that trap. Because then they will start pouring their words of wisdom which may frankly feel like nothing more than showers of saliva! And then of course they make you pour out  your poor disturbed thoughts at such times of deadlines....:P

Another definition of love..

Everyone has their own unique definition of love!

Poetry

Poetry only seems to come (at least to me) when it is required. When prose cannot replace it. It is about writing when we want to express but not explain. Like when we need to generalize, blur the reality, create a veil. And sometimes, through that veil, we see a new perspective. Blurring removes the unwanted details while leaving the important parts clear. In that way poetry even helps draw new conclusions, find hope which may have got lost otherwise.

Love-a paradox

Writing a poem after a long long time so it's bound to be a bit rusty.
Here I try to define the "undefinable"....

What is love?
A feeling of stages, oh! so many,
Starting with the first crush,
moving along to the unrequited love,
learning to forget and move on,
tiring of the "it's better to have loved and lost",
shunning it and going through the not required love
curving along to the glassy eyes,
to the "oh so beautiful" new love,
waking with a smile,
jumping along a mile,
all to be with someone for a while.
No dependence, no expectation
only with hope and desire,
until the heart perspires,
wondering if you can depend,
if a lifetime together you can spend.
And we go on to the continual to love,
the day to day smiles,
the talks and the walks,
the sharing life both in joy and strife,
the peace to have succeeded at last.
And then along come the demands
the requests turn into commands,
followed by the expectations and the reprimands
the battles and the "making up".
As cross eyes dissolve to fun sighs
you decide not to command
not to depend, not to demand
until you remember what love to you meant...
...having someone to depend,
while now love also means not to command,
but not to depend, not to demand, 
to loosen the hold,
and yet not to let go.
For love is a seesaw where balance is rare,
a paradox where all seem to define the undefinable,
where all seem to count the uncountable,
And as the moments of angst join the moments of care
we move onto the commitment of love
you realize love is to give,
love is to understand,
to let the other depend,
on being cared even when not able,
to care each time you depend.

Why do I push you

why do i push you

when I wana come closer?

maybe it's bcoz you seem to push too

and i am afraid to pull and fall

But when I push, I bang into the brick wall

of your dwelling, your interior

of which i am kept away and out

maybe you fear i would change it

 maybe you just don't want anyone to be a part of it

or maybe i am just plain wrong

maybe this is not an entrance wall

but an exit to which you escape

maybe its just not a wall at all

but your boundary , your abundance

available to all

but which to me feels a wall

maybe there is  no hidden interior

but there is still hardness which hurts when I push

why do I push?

one day the balance may stumble

and weakened I would crumble.

why do I push?

maybe bcoz that’s what you expect

and that’s how I get you  to react

The post that never was....

I strived to write a post twice. Last night, when I truly felt it, a phone call prevented me from writing. The person was like "I will not let you write it now.." jestingly. It just added to my determination. So this morning, I again got down to it. I felt it less now, a good night's sleep,a steaming cup of tea, a  lavish breakfast will do wonders in changing your perspective. It was going to be the most cynical post written by me till now, you see. And all the more cynical because I was not cribbing. No, I was writing it when I was happy with my life in most respects. It was about oldage and associated misery, middleage and associated responsibilities, changes, lost dreams of childhood, selfish dreams of youth.... I mean what right did I have to enjoy myself  when there was so much misery? You get the idea...the general theme of the post.

And won't you know it? It got deleted this time! I couldn't recover it. I tried to undo but it was gone. And frankly, I could get into the mode to write it again either. By that time, I was in a good frame of mind. Then it struck me that maybe it just wasn't meant to be written. Maybe that's what Discovering Life is all about. You discover a lot but there's no need to share everything, especially  things you yourself don't like it.

Yes, I can still see the miseries as they were. Yes, I still feel bad about them. But that's no reason to feel guilty when a simple joke or a piece chocolate cheers you up. If we were all miserable, who would get us out? Maybe all of us can't do the big things we thought of in childhood about "making the world a better place", but we can make a difference by bringing some smiles. Maybe there are joys lurking for everyone; and when we can't find them for them, maybe it's just because there was joy in not being alone but  having someone look for them with you. And maybe, just for those few moments, that's enough. For us and for them.

A new year, a new winter:)

These days all my posts seem to start with "It's been a while since I last wrote"...blogging is decreasing with time. I observed this trend in the gradual decrease in number of posts since 2008. Maybe there are less thoughts, less time. But I don't think it will end. It's good to have a  space to come back to.  

A new year brings about many changes with it, the first one happening today itself. I started appreciating winters. A casual comment by a friend stating that she had never experienced winters, made me realize how lucky I am to live in a place where I truly experience all seasons.  And I am a convert now! I used to detest winters but this time I felt a charm in the foggy days and even foggier misty nights...

A hot cup of tea, maybe a bite of chocolate or two, a warm 
quilt, a good book and off you go to the wonderland again....
A cold walk warmed by the hands of a loved one...
A bike ride through  foggy misty lights making the world seem as if it belongs to just you two...


Be in it in isolation or be it in company,
 winter certainly seems the way to be...


Many others also seem to share this view.....


There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.  ~Ruth Stout


Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:  it is the time for home.  ~Edith Sitwell


Winter is the time of promise because there is so little to do - or because you can now and then permit yourself the luxury of thinking so.  ~Stanley Crawford




....... winter is certainly all about poetry!
Life changes our perspective. I, who comes alive in sunshine, now enjoy winters also:)

Switch off

There so many situations in life on which we have no control at this stage, changes waiting to happen, life resisting them and it is human tendency to have the self "what if..." discussion.


"What if when I look for a job, there is recession again?"
"What if after I get married and have kids, they hate me because I am too busy for them?"
"What if I get pimples by this chocolate?"
"What if I smile at that guy person whom I know remotely and he doesn't?"
"What if I meet my boss about a doubt and he cancels my leave?"
"What if I buy this color and regret it because the other may look better if in the future I get some other accessories?"
"What if my plane is hijacked?"
"What if I enter the contest, win a prize, and fall flat when going to collect it on stage? "

And no this is not all me, I am just trying to cover the different possibilities.

So what!! 90% of these will probably never happen/not affect us for long if they do/ will happen when we are in a position to handle them.  And  in 99% of the cases, we can do nothing in the present to prevent anything, or actually DO nothing to prevent it. So the only action towards prevention is inaction. But Life can't stop due to fear. So inaction is out the question. Hence the need to switch off. Delay. Especially if it's a long term worry. You will still have time to worry about it in the future but you won't have this present moment back to live then. Take some worry-free time periodically. And throw out some worries periodically. Put them in the "to be handled later" tasklist.

"Life is what happens to us while we are busy making plans."

So lets take time to experience it.

So now I better get back to planning my tasklist!:D

The wait

It's been over a month but the procrastination hasn't ended in many ways. There are times, when we know we are at the end of another chapter of life, at the corner of the road, with or without knowing which way it leads. And it makes us want to wait. Makes us just want to get started on it NOW. Just to know how it is.  It's like when you are a few hours/a day before exams. The preparation may or may not be complete but you are waiting for them to get over. What happens then if suddenly you are told that it has been postponed indefinitely? Or that it may well be a surprise quiz instead of an exam? Unless you are grossly unprepared, you will not like this announcement. You will hate the burden and you will hate the surprise element. The freedom from exams will there and yet not enjoyable because you know it is lurking there somewhere.

And so the procrastination just continues. It may be in the form of  having more experiences, more time for oneself or trying something new.  And that may be good. To have the time to just be.To be able explore your potential, to able to widen your horizons, to be able to get to know yourself better for a change, or even make a few changes. And to keep doing something new means that the spark of excitement burns cheerily in life. But it doesn't change the underlying wait. The need for peace and stability. The need to just know.
And yet, once we do know, all we would want would be to have the excitement back!
It's a vicious circle. What do we humans really want in life, I wonder.

A new start

With this new blog theme, emerges a new hope for a new better, start.
Procrastination has reached highest levels when you ....

• spend more time on your template than actually writing 
• read away old novels not as a break but as the main activity of the day
• when you get stuck but don't think of a way out, but take a break instead
• when you get tired of those supposedly "refreshing" break
• when despite all that, on Sunday night , you start waiting for the next weekend

Of course this list can go on and on....
But that would just increase the procrastination. Sometimes writing helps you get out of that. So lets start with a few random food for thought and see it progresses in the next few posts. These are some quotes from recent readings..newspapers, internet, novels...(sorry too many sources to mention!)....
  

1. It's not a miracle if it doesn't happen when you least expect it. 
 
2. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you have to make it.
 
3. Follow your bliss, don't be afraid and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
 
4. Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent
 
5. Sometimes, you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too, even when you are in the the dark, even when you are falling
 
6. It you allow yourself to dissolve for others, you will be transformed
 
7. Boredom, fear and anger are the reasons a gull's life is so short and with these gone from his life, he lived a long fine life.
 
8. My best friend is one who brings out the best in me
 
9. Too late we learn that a man must hold his friends unjudged, accepted and trusted to the end.
 
10. Good friends must not always be together, it's the feeling of oneness when distant that proves a lasting friendship
 
11. You can always tell a real friend when you've made a fool of yourself and he doesn't feel that you've done a permanent job!

 
12. Freedom is the very criterion that tests whether love is real or not. If love destroys freedom, it is not worthwhile.
 
13. Him that I love, I wish to set free, even from me.
 
14. If equal love there cannot be, let the more loving one be me!

 
15. I believe love and life can't be explained through logic and reason. They just can't. What the heart desires has no reason behind it. At least often not one that can be expressed in words

 
16. The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the others good qualities.

17. Don't be so busy capturing the moment that you forget to live it.
 
18. Great opportunities to help other seldom come but small ones surround us daily

 
19. Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you
 
20. Key to not getting bored is doing things as differently as possible
 
21. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up!

 
22. Dance for yourself. If someone understands, good. If not, go on doing what you love.
 
23. The difference between "ordinary" and "extraordinary " is just a little extra

 
24. The reason why great artists to scientists will work day and night neglecting to eat or sleep is because they are driven by a vision, something just beyond their reach that will not let them rest until they have brought it into reality
 
25. The secret to a rich life is to have more beginning than endings!

As a child I used to cry when someone close left while they would go away sometimes laughing, sometimes with a sympathetic look which felt far worse. Nothing has changed in all these years.  I don't know why. Maybe life is supposed to desensitize you as you grow and when that doesn't happen you get left behind and are kept wondering.

People in our lives

Some changes just creep into you. Others, you just notice much later. 

As browsed through my phonebook today, I realised just how much life has changed. There were of course some random people whom I couldn't place at all. But there were others. There people who had been sort of good friends once at a time and I suddenly realised that years had passed since we talked. There were people, who had once been pretty good friends, what with all their home numbers, parents number stored away so meticulously. In some cases physical distance changed relational distance also. And maybe at some level it was expected. There are people with whom you share  great time but somehow you know it wouldn't last outside the given environment. It can make you feel nostalgic but it won't hurt much.

But there were people with whom friendship itself changed. Our opinions about each other changed. Values changed. And suddenly in our respective new lives, there was no space for the other. Happens. But didn't know it could.  And each time you wonder about the whys and hows.

I felt strange as I deleted all those contacts, knowing my heart already had, years ago in many cases. Yet I felt at a loss knowing I was closing doors.  Even if they had already been shut.

Sure, I may hear about these through friends, social network sites etc but that doesn't even make them  "contacts".

And then I browsed the remaining contacts, ignoring "work related" ones. I found those who had grown active after my previous such perusal, knowing that they were the ones to hold onto, even with the distance. These numbers may not have been used that often but it was reassuring to know that good memories are created whenever they are.

There were those who are still uncategorised and haven't stood the test of time yet.

There were those whose numbers need hardly be stored because they are embedded permanently. And those whose numbers may not be used for months simply because of the distance but there are still embedded out there.


And then there are, the lifelines....

Reminds of the concept of reason, season and  lifetime.

Life, a cake.

If life is a cake, then work is just one piece of it. All the time.
So that makes...."work, a piece of cake!"

Ok ok, I won't try my hand at comedy now:)

But it IS only one piece. Each aspect is . Expect love maybe which makes the cream, character which makes the crust and the excitement which makes the icing. Materialistic Success/Fame is just a cherry on top.

The sisterhood of travelling pants

This has been  a wonderful feel-good series about friendship, love, families, life and how they all come together. Feels magical. Written in a playful manner yet as you brush it's surface , you realise it's deep enough for you to be touched, to learn about life.

I won't add much more except this one quote which I loved in the 3rd book. It is sprinkled with this and many more:

".....This was the future. Life would get busier and more varied, populated both by beautiful things and unfortunate circumstances. If their friendship demanded exclusivity or solitude, it couldn't work. If it required that everything go as planned, it would turn brittle, and ultimately it would break. On the other hand, she knew that if they could be flexible and big, if they could encompass change, then they could make it....... "

This is true for every relationship nowadays. and that's good but also kind of sad, even if  illogically so. 

Sleepwalking

It's been a while since I wrote. I don't know what's happening , whether it's just me or in the air. But it's like I am sleepwalking, or rather sleep living. Just living each day, taking it easy. Not in a rush but also not pausing long enough to actually experience, reflect or even think about much. As if bidding my time. Waiting . But don't know for what. Maybe it's laziness. Maybe it's all the activity (not necessarily work). Maybe it's the in-between phase, when you know change is gonna happen but you can't see it yet.

It is said that you can't remember what you don't give your brain the time to process in the first place. Maybe that's it. The brain doesn't process life right now. So it's tough to remember what happened a few days ago. What I was busy with.

A kind of numbness sets in. You get used to everything with time, true.But I think I have got used to change these days. People come and go and it's normal. Routines change. Situations change. People get busy. I myself get busy. Yet it's normal. It doesn't affect as much. Life just keeps on moving.

Some might say it is good. Good to be stable. Good to be on the plain road. But I miss the rollercoaster.

I have got trapped into a lake. Scenic though it might be but I miss the powerful sea with it's bubbling waves. They may crash but they also take you high up, for a great ride. And it's worth it.

Maybe the only thing to do is write. Maybe this is what happens when you suddenly don't pen down stuff. It gets lost. Maybe to really experience things, you need to share them with yourself and writing helps in that.