Grieving

When you lose a parent it's almost like a physical loss of a part of yourself. The grief is there to stay though it will hit harder in the beginning then the frequency may taper to more bearable hours and that may be days much later on. That later on varies for everyone. Here's my take on the grief:

1. The first few days you feel a huge loss of even physical strength that it's tough to even get up.

2. Being alone can be very tough in the beginning. Even a few moments.

3. Walls can seem to close in.

4. You may have huge bouts of crying and it seems unstoppable. Days and days this can continue.

5. Or can't seem to cry at all for a while

6. The same last scene can keep recurring in your mind

7. And then one day it goes out such that you can't see it again at all.

8. You may dream of the lost loved ones a lot

9. Or can't seem to meet them even in dreams.

10. You may have palpitations or other stress related physical symptoms

11. You may want to be busy all the time

12. Or not at all want to be too busy

13. Or there are times when you can't do anything

14. Tears can fill your eyes suddenly when not expected

15. You may cling to old albums

16. You may find each new thing a huge ordeal, not to be able share with those loved ones. So that entire first year is going to be extra hard.

17. You may get a little better and then slip back again remembering any little moment.

18. You may want to talk a lot and build up a huge support system

19. Or may want to withdraw much more or with specific people

20. Random moments will remind of your lost loved one and how your life changed

21. Even seeing that relation, for example, parents with  their kids in a random place or even on the TV can tear you up

22. You may keep getting hit by the realization again and again each time you wake up initially. You wish it was a bad dream. But it doesn't go away. And then with time the frequency changes a but. Instead of many times a day, maybe the realization hits you just once or a few times every day. 

23. You may eventually turn spiritual or  perplexed by questions of life and death

24. A particular time in the day may be much harder for you for the void will remain.

25. Sleep patterns may change

26. So can food habits

27. The same physical space may seem very confining suddenly

28. Yet, you may be wary of any variability in the routine or that same physical space.

29. You may take a shaky step ahead and fall back two steps.

30. And it feels like a huge abyss.

Then, just hold onto yourself. Hold onto anything that gives a bit of peace to you. One small step to the next. It happens. It is toughest part of life, at least so far. It will take time. But one day it will be more bearable, you will be better. Though you will miss but slowly you will take good memories in your heart and remember that horrible moment when you lost your loved one, less. The realization will set in. But it will never be the same again. It will change you iŕrevocably in many ways. It will age you irreversably. The pain may go to the background for a while but it can pop up anytime. You will learn to live with that much pain and sense of loss. But you will be functional and will live life fully again someday. And it will feel wrong also at times. But remember it is not. Because your life is linked to other loved ones also who are there. Because life is too precious to be frittered away. It needs to be lived every single day.