Dos and don'ts when talking to a grieving person/family

Recently it has been of great comfort to talk to/message close ones. It is in these hard times that one either closes down completely or leaks words. For me it is the latter. The silence is still too scary.

I also noticed how uncomfortable it is for people to talk in such tough, grieving times. And I remember how it used to similar for me earlier. I used to wonder what to say to people when there are no words which can help. Well, being at the other end, I decided to form a list of pointers which may help those trying to make that phone call:

1. Do call them up if your hesitation is between calling and not calling. If possible, give a few days unless you are extremely close and needed by them.

2. Don't make them relive that moment  to satisfy your curiousity unless they seem to want to. It's ok to ask what happened but don't probe. They will have to repeat this over and over again and keep reliving those moments again and again.

3. Don't dwell into the why's of what happened. It's extremely painful. And it won't help anyone.

4. Especially don't dwell into what you feel could have been done. The grieving family would have done and probed every inch of possibility and its beyond aggravating to have to explain that to any third person. 

5. Do call back if they are not able to answer your phone. They are not ignoring you, just sad or busy in rituals or in another zone.

6. Remember any small help you can do is manifolds at that time. It could be simply the act of calling regularly while they stabilize or some small practical help.

7. Do share any good memory you have of the person. It provides a lot of comfort to relive memories together.

8. Don't freak out if they start crying. It is natural, they can't help it.

9. Don't try small talk. It's too early to hear about the world going by normally.

10. Instead try any words that give strength. Maybe remind them of any tough time you or they overcame. It tends to give a little hope.

11. Finally, don't worry if you don't have words. It's ok. There are no right words. Just being there and being kind is enough. Grief is a very lonely place. It helps to have a hand or some hands to hold onto, someone to talk to.