A flutter

Life is really like a book. You may not turn back but your past will never really go away. It will remain engraved in the pages of your life. Sometimes a gust of wind will flutter the pages and take you back in time whether you want to or not. You can only watch it, can't get into it. So it's upto you to move forward again.

The Velveteen Rabbit

Such a beautiful story and makes so much sense in the "real" world also. Here a few quotes from the same...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit ........"Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." (Isn't that what love is about universally! )

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." (so true...at least in case of true love)

"Once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." (Replace real with really loved...so true, love is the greatest beauty ever, so one who is loved is always beautiful)

aashayein

aashayein aashayein aashayein
aashayein aashayein aashayein

aashayein khile dil ki
ummedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kuch bhi, nahi kuch bhi
aashayein khile dil ki
ummedein hase dil ki
ab mushkil nahi kuch bhi, nahi kuch bhi

Perceptions

There are so many perceptions to life. What may be right for one can seem completely wrong to another.
Wow! It's difficult to actually accept the fact that many times all opposing views can be equally right. But the only person who would know this is an outsider, hearing all points of views.

Life goes on.

Nothing lasts forever

Tan man dhan sab kuch hai tera
Swami sab kuch hai tera
Tera tujh ko arpan
Tera tujh ko arpan
Kya laage mera

Nothing lasts forever though it's still hard to believe this basic fact of life.
It haunts us off and on in different ways as we learn about the fragility of life itself.

Rat Race

I withdraw from the rat race where noone gets time for anyone and everyone just wants to push the other down to outshine.
It's all so pointless when at the end of the long day all of us will lose each other into the same heap of ashes.
From now on I WILL slow down. I will not let this pace affect me. I will not let it make me hyper, "too busy" , angry, self-centered and whatever more it used to.

Kabir- eternal pearls of wisdom

These are some words which may have been heard many times but hold new meaning for me.

Dukh Mein Simran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Simran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye
[In anguish everyone prays to Him, in joy does none
To One who prays in happiness, how sorrow can come]
..........
If we remain connected to God then we would not lose peace of mind, nor would we be agitated enough to be in anguish. But unfortunately during good times we remain too busy to remember Him. It's only in sadness that we recall this fact ........

Sayeen Itna Deejiye, Ja Mein Kutumb Samaye
Main Bhi Bhookha Na Rahun, Sadhu Na Bhookha Jaye
[Give so much, O God, suffice to envelop my clan
I should not suffer cravings, nor the visitor go unfed]
............
We don't need a lot of money. We just to need to subsist. If we have enough to subsist independently and enough to help anyone in need then we need no more
............

Kabir Man Nirmal Bhaya, Jaise Ganga Neer
Pache Pache Hari Phire, Kahat Kabir Kabir
[Kabir Washed His Mind Clean, Like The Holy Ganges River
Everyone follows behind, Saying Kabir, Kabir ]
....................
Make your nature good. Don't get angry, jealous or greedy. Don't speak ill of anyone. It's not a to ask but it is required greatly.
....................
Aisee Vani Boliye, Mun Ka Aapa Khoye
Apna Tan Sheetal Kare, Auran Ko Sukh Hoye
[Speak such words, you lose the minds Ego
Makes one composed, Others Find Peace ]
..........
It doesn't take a lot of effort to speak nicely with someone., to tell someone that it will be ok instead of blaming them for cribbing. And it gives peace of mind
..........

Kaal Kare So Aaj Kar, Aaj Kare So Ub
Pal Mein Pralaya Hoyegi, Bahuri Karoge kub
[Tomorrows work do today, today's work now
If the moment is lost, how will the work be done?]
............
Never put off anything important for later. You may never get a chance. Adn this is not just for work but anything in life. We get "too busy" for important parts of life thinking we will get back to them later.But sometimes that "later " never comes.
............
Maya Mari Na Mun Mara, Mar Mar Gaye Shareer
Asha Trishna Na Mari, Keh Gaye Das Kabir
[Neither Maya(illusion) Died, Nor the Mind Died, Die and die again People/Bodies
Hope and longing have not died, so said Das Kabir and left ]
..................
We live and die and this continues forever but what doesn't die is hope. Our soul lives on. And that is the essence of being even though the body dies.
..................

Khwabon Ki Ye Duniya Hai, Khwabon Mein Hi Rehna Hai
Khwabon Ki Ye Duniya Hai, Khwabon Mein Hi Rehna Hai
Raheen Le Jaaye Jahaan, Sung Sung Chalna Hai
Waqt Ne Hamesha Yahaan Naye Khel Khele
Waqt Ne Hamesha Yahaan Naye Khel Khele
Kuch Bhi Ho Jaaye Yahaan, Bas Kush Rehna Hai
Kuch Bhi Ho Jaaye Yahaan, Bas Kush Rehna Hai
Manzil Lage Kareeb Sabko Yahaan Pe
.................
manzil pe aakar thame
tab socha to jana ki
kimti the vo raste ke lamhe

Yahaan Sabhi Apne Hi Dun Mein Diwaane Hain
Yahaan Sabhi Apne Hi Dun Mein Diwaane Hain
Kare Wohi Jo Apna Dil Theek Maane Hain
Kaun Kisko Poochein, Kaun kisko Boley
Kaun Kisko Poochein, Kaun kisko Boley
Sabke Labon Par Apne Taraane Hain
Sabke Labon Par Apne Taraane Hain
..............................................and that includes me. Selfishness seems to have a Gaussian membership for an average person.

One doesn't realize it until there's jolt. But even then we are so much like robots that no matter what happens, after sometime we go back to our routine unthinking ways .....and get too busy to live with people. A numbness sets in. There seems to be no other way to live.
Example :Ironically it's often the case that one will be too busy to visit a sick person but not for a funeral.

What should one strive for?

Adult life sucks!
As a student, you don' have to worry about what happens "ahead". Only on how you can make "future" better.
Suddenly you realize this is future. This is your career.
OK , I love what I do. It's what I wanted to do since childhood, it' my dream come true. And STILL I am miserable! And I used to be the optimist!

It's just that you come to a stage of your life when you don't know what is right.

Before you all get impatient, the reason I miserable is because of stress. And stress is not even work related. It's more like finding gold mines after coming a long way in space and time , and not having sacks to fill the gold in...because of administrative difficulties or because your company is too poor to produce that many sacks. What do you do?

1. Leave it?
2. Unclothe yourself to make sacks?
3. Go back and waste time and opportunity

Is there any choice which will not give you stress/frustration?

The rollercoaster continues.....

Again it's been long since I wrote. Well for once there was nothing to write. I am still stuck in the PhD Rolllercoaster. Technically, I took the infinite ride so stuck may not be the right word.To be exact, it seemed as if I am in the down phase of it. But luckily that changes every few days. I make lists of things to do and get frustrated when some of them never get done. But then not everything is within my control even if it is priority to me. I try different things but none work for long. It gets discouraging, then there is a glimmer of hope, my heart soars with it to fall again and the cycle repeats. It's exciting, but it gets a little frustrating to say the least.

What really helped was a conversation I had with a friend. I experienced this saying:

"A friend is someone who sings your heart's song
back to you when you have forgotten the words."
~ David Coppola

.......and it felt great. It helped me realize what was missing. Made me realize that I needed to feed my soul at regular intervals. It's ok to do that. It's necessary to do that.

But the "me time" works only when you are stress free. And that couldn't happen till I had got "proper" work done and not just "everyday" work. Don't ask me the difference!

To sum it up, I took time off to get some work done and suddenly felt whole and relaxed again, at least for a few moments...

Facts of life-Kabir

Kabir gave pearls of wisdom ages ago but they are still so valid...

Chalti Chakki Dekh Kar, Diya Kabira Roye
Dui Paatan Ke Beech Mein,Sabut Bacha Na Koye

Translation :Looking at the grinding stones, Kabir laments
In the duel of wheels, nothing stays intact.

Pothi Padh Padh Kar Jag Mua, Pandit Bhayo Na Koye
Dhai Aakhar Prem Ke, Jo Padhe so Pandit Hoye

Translation :Reading books everyone died, none became any wise
One who reads the word of Love, only becomes wise

Bada Hua To Kya Hua, Jaise Ped Khajoor
Panthi Ko Chaya Nahin, Phal Laage Atidoor

Translation :In vain is the eminence, just like a date tree
No shade for travelers, fruit is hard to reach

PhD -The Rollercoaster Begins

This is going to be a tough. PhD does try its best to turn you into a geek. It's almost like a physical transformation and each day, I see it in amazement and then I revolt!

Let me give an instance. It's been a little over two weeks since I got back from a 10 days intensive workshop. And today I felt frustrated because I haven't done any concrete research till now! It's not as if haven't been working but at the same time it's not as if I have either! There's a lot " extra work" which doesn't really fall under any concrete category. What's weird is how I secretly felt glad and proud to have been given it so I could have a chance to "learn" instead of resenting the take over of my free time.

It's been the other way round. I resent free time in a way. I go out to enjoy and I come back and feel guilty and upset that I didn't give that time to work when there's so much I "want" to do. One (or rather any geek) would wonder why I go out then at all. Because I want to. I want to remain NORMAL and remain ME.

And what I see around me people enjoying their lives. And I realize that I can't just wait because by the time I am out of here , I will be ancient. Already I feel old. Recently I saw a typical MBA group working. In the field where they went so that they could "make noise" and discuss. And that was their assignment. Sometimes that is it. With no exams!!!

And here I snap if anyone gets me a little late. I seem to make life hell for close ones. This is now. What happens later? I see married people giving "home" priority over work. And sometimes I just can' imagine myself doing that. Study is not just work. It's a form of meditation. It's sometimes even sacred. And it takes over life.It's like being married to work. And I feel guilty for what this would do to someone close. Is the only alternative to remain alone? I don't want that.

For a few moments I wondered why I am doing all this. Then I realized..I enjoy it. Hell! Heaven! It's all here. It's my life. It's the only place I belong. I could never exchange it for any amount of "fun" or any high paying job.

But yes, I do also want to enjoy, love and relax. And I WILL.
So..................................
.....................................as minors and deadlines get nearer...............I blog! And look for time management techniques! Maybe the best one is not to think at ALL.

Tag....Five things on my mind just now.....

I am finally taking this tag of Geetika's. Maybe that I will also get to know what is in my mind.
Hmmmm let's see...

1) I want to go out with friends. More specifically, I want one more day to hang out as we did in B.Tech and at the same place. I still miss that.

2)I want to have a week full of good soulful thought-provoking conversations that were "common" when friends were near.

3) I can see things changing. I know they have to. But I wish they won't all of the sudden.Just because I may remain a student doesn't mean everyone else will but it doesn't stop me from missing company.

4) I wana be better. I don't want to hold onto close ones so tightly.

5) I wana really get started with work properly and really get into it(weird!!!)

I tag Taps and Ash.

A new year and a new PG Express

It's been a long long time again. And this has marked a brand new phase in my life.
Yes, I have taken the next step in post graduation.PhD.

Finally all confusions and cryptics end here with this one word which will now define maybe the next many years of my life. It' s exciting and it's scary. At least it's a little less lonely. But that will keep oscillating as people come and people go and I become a fixture in the lab.

If I go in order to list the steps I took/ or life took for me for the past year it would this way:
1)Clarity-Jan
2)Clarity-Feb
3)Confusions-March
4)Confusions galore! -April
5)Action-May
6)Relaxation-June
7)Look busy , do nothing. "Chakkar kaatna"-July
8)Nostalgia-August
9)Independence -September
10)Busy bee work-October
11) Why me work-November
12)All pieces fit in place-December

All this has been followed by "B" part in this this year so far :

B part
1)Relaxation-a week off from the mobile , computer and work in pure fresh air with loads of walk, novels and family time-perfect!
2) Chakkar kaatna
3)Why me work
and moving onto ....
4)Independence at a price.

Wow! No wonder I feel at the end of each day as if I have lived a week! What with an entire months emotions getting covered each day!

BTW HAppy NeW YeAr to all.

My resolutions? Skip top busy bee phase or even work phase!

P.S : I am not a geek , I am not even dignified or "grown up" , I am not brilliant. I even get lazy and am not always hard working.

But I just wanted to do this. I am stubborn, lucky sometimes and very much loved. So maybe that way lucky always.

:)

Hai Khoobsurat Yeh Pal
Sab Kuch Raha Hai Badal
Sapne Haqeeqat Mein Jo Dhal Rahe Hain!!!!!

Hide me :(

Wordless

It's certainly been a long time...again. I guess I just don't have words.
It's like I had taken time off "normal life" for these 6-7 months. And now I am soon going to find out where I stand in the real world. But no matter what the judgment, the experience has been worth it. I have learnt a lot more than I expected. And it's been an enriching time. Some may say it was somewhat like a break. It was in the sense that I didn't have as much stress about everyday stuff. But I probably worked even more than before. I definitely had more responsibilities than ever before. And yet I got a chance to explore life and be spontaneous. And some of those decisions actually paid back well. In other cases, well at least I tried and enjoyed!

I also got a chance to think a bit. The things which would have earlier affected me a lot suddenly aren't as important. Yes I can still be a baby about some small issues but I don't mind admitting what I believe in. I don't mind admitting my weaknesses. At the same time, I was able to assess my strengths.

Just when I need to work the hardest, blogging comes to my rescue like an old friend. Somehow high pressure work and blogging just do go hand in hand.

Well of this is just random thought scrunched up together like my jumbled up hair.
Make sense out of it if you can!

I guess the gist is just "I took the road less traveled and that has made all the difference........................................................................
........................................................
........................................................
.........................................................
...........................................................but I don't know yet in what direction!

Fun or the usual ?

A month or so and I feel as if I have ripped myself out of the bloggerworld forever. Strangely enough, there was no reason. Life was the same. Mundane. Well not even mundane because exciting things also happened and they continue to keep happening. But something seems missing. Life seems boring despite changes. After a while, the usual fun activities aren't fun anymore. They become just that-usual. They eat up out time and yet give you no real pleasure. Like watching any series or playing games like "Farmville" or even going out to the same place always. Life needs novelty. Like reading or watching a movie. The good thing is that they end. They don't possess you for very long. Few days at max. But these other activities don't go away. They possess you and drive you away from activities which are actually fun. They eat up your time.

Same way, eating same thing everyday, even if you love it, will make you lose its flavor after a while. And all you will gain will be fat.

Same reason why people generally don't take up their hobbies as work because after a while someday, work will just work. Whereas hobbies will retain your passion because of their very irregularity.

And in the same, people probably tend fear marrying the one they love or loving their best friend. Because as you move from one level to the other, the comfort increases but that also means the passion relaxes into its own comfort zone.

Comfort though does have its advantages but living requires much more. And so does writing. Writing and comfort do not go hand in hand.