I guess what tells me that I must continue and keep trying is this which I read before entering this institute:

"Education is irreversible. Once you have tasted the pleasure and hardwork
of learning , the joy of knowledge , you cannot thereafter imagine yourself
without it."

Sometimes life is just tough and sometimes it's just meant to continue to be that way and there's nothing you can do as you keep falling into a deeper and deeper pit but it sure helps to have someone to hold onto while you wait to get bailed out...company matters ever then!!!

"There is effort involved in making any dream come true. Dreams are powerful, but only when they’re reinforced by research, study, and effort.If you do the work, you’ll reach your goals."
Usually the quickest way to attain any desire is to pay the full price. Do the work.
.......Chicken Soup


Thus dreams have a price.

If you don't pay it then you are punished.
To bear that required courage.

But nothing is the end of the world.

"Systematically going through a problem step by step and actually implementing what you know can lead to the solution of your problem."

PG express .......

No matter what , there is light at the end of every tunnel no matter how dark.

My faith in the above statement has been restored.
This was never meant to be a personal blog but sometimes there is no other way of explaining things except by sharing experiences.

Today I am glad to be part of PG,part of IIT.You might wonder who wont be?Well ask anyone who is there...most will complain. After a while the pressure gets to everyone.

I guess I have seen a lot in this first semester. First it was the emotional challenge of being away from closest friends....changes in life you move to different parts of respective lives is not easy.
Done.It became fine after a while.
Enjoyed my 1st TA experience a lot...enjoyed giving 1st minors,enjoyed all new methods of studying,enjoyed attending 1st seminar from here,winning in freshers,1st dinner at freshers enjoyed esp the way profs talked about us learning,getting tranformed here...felt as becoming a swan from an ugly duckling.

All this time heard complains all around but I persisted with faith...loved being here...loved the environment...

Then somewhere in between I realised things weren't stricking very well always...somewhere in between I lost my rule of "to each his own" and moved onto "share and care"...couldn't help it.
Suddnely I realised attending seminars was a luxury which we couldn't afford with assignments pilling up.....I must say I have always been secretly glad of being "herded" into the seminar hall by one prof who truly believes in knowledge for the sake of it... even in it was an hour or so before my demo!
Then came my nightmare...fibonacci heaps...seemingly a simplistic program...which never turned out that way for anyone...with it came alive my worst nightmares...
I literally lost sleep!
Then came resubmissioon...still not tooo great...
Then came...minor results....
Suddenly forgot why I was here...had it happened by mistake?Could I even think of doing a Phd?Why did I want to?Would get any kind of job at al?Would I fail?Would they kick me out?
Such thought haunted me day and night...
Then came tears and more tears....
Thne came helplessness...
Thne came part2 of that submission..the project..then came loss of confidence...a broken down spirit...3weeks no progress as too much fear.....
What helped was friends...in between even enjoyed staying up till late (night) there ....
being with frineds...having good weekends...the fest...(that was really cool)...wathcing movie in lab!

But the nightmare continued...increasing day by day...became snappy,irritable and "hyper" in short
seeing ppl breakdown after their "demo" when they seem so much brighter is anyday disheartening....
I became terrified.......shaking and wondering what would happen...all I knew was that I couldn't compromise on my values..I would be straight with the prof and own up just how little I had managed to do...

Kept remembering all the worst vivas I had given in my entire life...few in which ppl took pleasure in hurting selfpride of innocent minds.It had hurt then but that time I had a whole class almost backing me ,believing in me.
And now I didnt even seem to have myself on my side.
Tough.

Then the viva started....with general introduction...calmly enough...suddenly I found myself pouring out my fears,even saying" I like the system but don't know if the system will like me"...and felt being calmed by the teacher...being given hope...being told that marks don' t matter...that they just mean that you can learn that much more. The fact that I am here means I am good, I can only getter better...
if I am learning...if I am improving my process of thinking,if I feel that I getting all out of this system then that's all that matters.Suddenly I had hope...I could see my dreams again...I could feel my interest back,my passion back...

Then the actual viva....on confessing that I couldn't do the entire exercise,I found myself involved in a discussion about debugging techniques.And becoming so interested that forgot it was a viva...actually even being able to put forth my points without worrying whether they were right or not...

I went in tears and came back in smiles...after an hour!
Suddnely I am glad I am here..suddenly I know I will make it here and do well also...
And won't try to escape assignments but do them so as to learn and not fear them...
I may have lost marks allocated for particular points in today's viva but I gained back my hope, my confidence,my "selfsufficiency".
The journey continues.....

There's much more to life than just
increasing its' speed.

What is failure?
Does it really exist in truest sense of world of optimism?

IN DEEP WATER

Suppose a person is learning to swim and swims with some kind or protection or support...maybe a kicking board.Now he has no confidence that he can swim without the board also so has been using it for many months. So feels discouraged that maybe he doesn't have the necessary skills to learn "proper" swimming.

Suddenly one day he is pushed into the water(goes in by mistake thinking it to be shallow) without the board.Now if that is a sea where he can see no shore anywhere near then he may simply freeze out of fear and drown.But if he can see a shore,not very far away, or if he can see a lifeguard coming to his rescue and knows he just has to hold on a while,he will just kick out....and voila!!!(because when he has hope and he knows has to do something for survival ,he will his lack of confidence,and actually he can because he has done so for many months and knows what to do)He will be swimming.

And once he realises that he can swim, he will love it and be happy and never use the board again.


Well this seems to me very much like the transformation from being spoonfed as UGs and in deep water in PGs.Except that I dived myself thinking water to be shallow.
All there is to remember is that the last part of the story is also true.

People work so hard ,strive so much in different ways for EDUCATION........so why it is that when we get it easily, we complain so much...with all our hearts(not even superficially)?
And its not as if we aren't interested...people go for degree after degree if its like a dream....at least some do...then why its charm fades when we are there?
Why toughness of course alone is enough to shake us up to dreadfully???
Whatever happened to joy of learning for the sake of it?Does that never come and stay in its truest form?

"Relaxation is :letting go , trust, surrender, love, acceptance ,union with existence, egolessness and ecstasy"

(Read it in the paper.)

Well personal desires also get included in relaxation.For me spending time with loved ones, doing something truly productive...even writing ...even blogging would be included...as long as it is not enforced.

"Living totally in the moment and going with the flow are great virtues"

Well then whatever happened going to less travelled paths???I always believed that more.

A prediction:Taking one step at a time will let you achieve you goals sooner than expected.....

........lets see!!!

Tagged!!!

Hi I was tagged a long time back but somehow work schedule along with exhaustion,laziness and confusions prevented mefrom writing any posts at all....
This is the tag.....from her.

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"At this moment, I am so very stressed, exhausted, hurt and depressed; and this tag may actually help me realise all the good things that I have, and this may help me come back to normal. So here it goes.==================================This is one tag I think is really interesting to do. Maybe because it tells you how greedy you really are, inspite of howmuchever of a saint you think you are! It's called "Thoda aur chalega". The rules are simple. You got to write five things that you do have and are quite fond of/proud of because they really are good/feel-good (at least in your own perspective). These things can be anything...qualities, people, pets, clothes, goodies etc. Then you have to add one adjective to each, indicating what else you'd wish (dream, fantasise etc.) these things to also have. Like the extra free chocolate topping on a five scoop hot chocolate fudge with nuts, chocolate sauce, raisins etc. An example could be: My super cool super fast car....I wish I had a red-coloured super cool super fast car."
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THODA AUR CHALEGA.......

1) My parents and close ones....their love ,support and constant advice and a so complete belief in me and ability to hear me crib at anytime carries me through it all....
Thoda aur...I wish I didnt snap at them...I wish I had more to offer from my side in terms of happiness.....and I wish my 2 worlds would unite.......

2)My dream of "studying" here came true....it was a long cherished dream ,one for which I had truly strived.....
Thoda aur.....I wish I could actually enjoy studies now that here.I wish the constant pressure would ease such that I could work hard and actually understand what's happening....I wish so much I had work satisfaction sometimes at least. I am in depair for it.

3)Glad to be settled here at institute with frnds here also.......and to be in touch with few wonderful collegetime frnds.....
Thoda aur....I wish I didnt have to feel constantly like the dunce in group.I know I am not overall but still it's been happening too often recently....

4)For novels and diaries......my lifelong companions...to be give peace and hope always......

and also need to add....good food!!!..chocos,maggi,soups,tea,list goes on.....
Thoda aur......I wish I wasnt so obsessed with novels when underpressure.Same goes for food.If I had goodies a little less often I would appreciate them even more and everything wouldn't become routine.
I wish I would write my diary more often ,openly again....need weeks since I did that I think...too lazy!!
I wish I would write poetry ,blogs,stories again,........
miss that part of my life which has been more or less dormant since "she's" been away...one of my very closest frnds...who used constantly inspire me to write by writing herself and telling me she liked me my pieces also...who used to pester me night and day to write a new blog....
along with her msgs at midnight to see and comment on her posts "or else...."
...and of course the heartfelt discussions that gave food for thought...
I miss you taps...


5)My ability to spend time by myself,to enjoy nature,to contemplate ,to draw a line when I need to relax.....to enjoy the little joys dat life offers with true childlike excitement...
Thoda aur....I wish I would work with true vigour and not laze so much when frustrated....


This was supposed to be a happy blog and its turned out to be a "venting machine".

It's a crazy world

WARNING::Post Grads would agree!

Sometimes I think.....

OHH its all sooooooo funny,
like a facepack of banana and honey
its not about the money,
its about being crazy like bugsbunny,

Work is not about work, its about sticking,
OHH like a chewing gum,
Only you can be dumb,
but must satiate your tum ,
even if have rum,
no need to be glum,

Coz, hectic means fretting
free means boring
challenge means betting
book means poring
Then what is rain?
Its riding in an empty lane.

Lain means tired
but tired means fired
fired means going to mommy
where all is sunny
OHH its all so funny!!!!!

Some known but lesser stated facts

• The best time to write blogs:one day before exams.....!!!

• The best time to think of life and everything else onder the sky:same as above

• The best time to write poems:same as above but also when in agitated state of mind. So most poets must be the most frustrated ppl on earth!!!

• The best way to remove agitations:.....tell me!

One would be to think simple thoughts,escape for a while into pleasures,like some song,dance out ,simple discussions, to live in the moment and not worry about how changes would affect the future.As changes are to be experienced in that moment ..not in future.Some things as simple as watching birds can be refreshing.
But what's most important to have hope and maybe a smile.Well that leads to reasons to smile....so you its cycle....but wont call it vicious...

LOST

Going going ,going down and under,
Oh what blunder!
Oh why wonder!

Fighting fighting, fighting in life,
Oh what strife!
Slicing through me like a knife!

Crying crying,crying to me,
Take me!
Hold me!
Rescue me away from me.

Fear engulfs me here,
Getting hard to bear,
Reach out to me,
As can't see thee.

Memories are ghosts I hold onto,
Scared of darkness to plunge into,
Resisting lonliness calling,
Afraid of falling

Falling falling ,falling to eternity,
Nothing's a certainity
Situations not such a severity but shocked by my temerity
Lost,seeking that same security,


(To be continued.....)

Expressionlessness

There comes a time when writing gets stunted, there comes a time when dreams come true but further ambitions get stunted,there comes a time when all is good but growth is stunted,when you happy but feelings get stunted,when life itself seems stunted,halted...

All this is described so well in a friends blog....here are some lines in continuation to it...........
Ek safar ek dastaan ki talaash hai"(her line),

Bahut kuch paaya ab kisi naye khwab ki talaash hai,
manzil to mil gayi par fir kisi raah ki talaash hai,
Humsafar se zindagi khili hai par thamein haath saath chalen jo un yaaron ki bhi talaash hai,
Zindagi tham si gayi hai,kuch naye khayalat ki talaash hai
Muskaan to hai par fir kisi naye jasbaat ki talaash hai
Aansu to hain par ghum ki talaash hai
Haasil to bahut kiya par ab aur maangne ki "chaah" ki talaash hai
Soch ke shabdon ki talaash hai
kisi geet ki in labzon ko talaash hai

Give changes a chance

Life changes a lot and very often.........
and at times changes can scare a lot also......
they can make us grumpy as we are used to being in our comfort zones.....
but once there is no growth in them,changes are necessary....
there is a need to explore and widen our horizons .....
And if we are too lazy or too fearful to do so...God pushes us towards them.......
Just like with baby birds...when they first fly......
The best tihng is to accept them...open our eyes and look at the beautiful world around us...enjoy our being.....make the most of those changes and really live...
Sometimes even when dreams come true,we get more afraid than excited....afraid of how it be now....but we must remember that we have been rewarded for something we truly believed in so it can only be good:)

The extent of severity of any situation depends on the person ,the way of living , the attitude.
A mild form of severity can also feel equally harsh to someone not used to it.
It doesnt necessarily depend on the strength of the person....
But what IS strength?To endure unfavourable circumstances well.But what does "well" mean? I mean one aspect caters to how the person manages his/her duties and maintains an equilibrium during sucha situation.But another aspect also exists...
What we make easier for ourselves by escaping the situation partly and escaping well....and also without any negligence.Is it good?Don't know 'coz sometimes it makes you feel like a machine ...sometimes it seems as if you arent allowing yourself to feel the full extent of grief even when you care simply because you tell yourself you need to manage well.Is that ok?It doesnt change anything except that despair comes in glimpses rather than continuously.

Stolen moments

Stolen moments like a treasure
Moments of pure pleasure.

Yet they bring a fear
Now parting’s too hard to bear.

When near all worries cease
Into the magical moment we freeze

Yet moments borrowed
Moments soon escape

Stolen moments of pleasure
Will they ever be ours forever?
………………..
(based on same theme but yet to decide whether to take them as 2 separate poems to be completed or as a single one)
........................
Hold onto to you I do,
Faithful I am,
Yet will destiny allow this dream to come true?
Positive I am,
Yet, can this moment be sealed eternally wonder I do,
Scared I am,
Distance is easy to bear,
Partings’ all I fear.

Though in different directions we may at times fly
Yet no need to cry
Fulfilling duties, staying united under the sky.

Give me magical wings to fly
To be near you, never to say bye.

So at each dusk in peace we lie
In relief we sigh.

Novels, the storybook land of wonder leave a part of themselves within us.
But in music we leave a part of ourselves
Ultimately going back to those phases whenever we read or hear that piece.
Or get transformed by mood, thought or action in first go.
Such is the magic of creativity
At times to me it surpasses even beauty

In life people don't really need help,or
encouragement, or support , they just need to be loved truly. They need to
be cherished and valued.That's why sometimes it helps so much to hear "all will be ok" when said and meant. Sometimes it helps so much when dear ones persist inspite of telling them that you want to be alone.